“You could’ve told me.”
“I should have. I should’ve explained everything to you that first day you came to my house without him, because by then I no longer wanted you to be part of this. I would have released you from our agreement. There was a part of me that hoped you’d tell me to go to hell and never come back, but you were stronger than that. You weren’t going to break. That only made me want to know you more. It only made me crave you more.”
Instead of softening some of the woundedness I see in her, my confession seems to build a wall inside her. “You had so many chances to tell me everything, but you didn’t, Jared.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you.”
Her answering laugh is a choked, bitter sound. “What do you think you’re doing now? You lied to me. You used me. You’re breaking my heart.”
“Nothing between us is a lie. Nothing. Daniel Hathaway may have been the start of this fucked-up situation, but he’s got nothing to do with us, Melanie. He’s got nothing to do with how I feel about you. I care about you, more than anyone I’ve ever known in my life. Melanie . . . I love you.”
“Don’t say that.” She closes her eyes for a moment, exhaling a shaky breath. “Don’t you dare say that now.”
“It’s the truth.”
“How do you expect me to believe that when everything we’ve shared has been built on your lies? How do you expect me to ever trust you again?”
“You can start by giving me a chance,” I suggest solemnly. “I know I don’t deserve it—”
“No, you don’t.” She takes a step away from me, folding her arms in front of her like a shield. “I can’t give you another chance to break my heart, Jared. I don’t want to hear any more. I don’t want to be here. I’m going home.”
“I’ll take you.”
“No.” The word is crisp and final, as sharp as a slap. I feel it inside me, the sting of her disappointment in me flaying me alive. “You made me think you cared about me. You let me tell you things I never told anyone but my most trusted friends. Just like with your paintings, you peeled me open to my soul, Jared. And now there’s nothing left.”
“Melanie.” I hold my hand out to her. There’s a tremor shaking my fingers, but I don’t give a damn. I thought she’d already seen me at my weakest the day she learned about my disease. I was wrong. I’ve never felt more useless or broken. “Please, come home with me. Let me try to make this right between us.”
She glances down, mutely shaking her head. When she looks up at me again, I know I’ve lost the battle. Even worse, I’ve lost her.
“I’m leaving,” she says softly. “Don’t come near me again, Jared. I don’t ever want to see you.”
She pivots away from me and starts walking into the departing crowd, a red dress in a sea of black. I drift after her, hanging back several paces only to avoid the urge I have to physically keep her with me.
As soon as she’s out of the club, I see her hand go up to hail an idling taxi at the curb.
She gets in, then the car speeds away.
30
MELANIE
It’s been a month since I walked out of Muse in pieces.
One month, but to my broken heart it feels like a century. I’ve carried on with my life and school, with my family and friends. Thank God for my friends.
I’m only half-listening to Evelyn seated across from me for lunch at a table in Vendange, one of our favorite places in the city. Despite my inattention, I’m grateful for her company and conversation. Her excitement for her lingerie shop’s soaring success helps distract my mind from all the things I can’t avoid thinking about when I’m alone.
Especially at night, when my longing for Jared and my pain for what I’ve lost—for what I possibly never had with him to begin with—is at its worst.
My friends have held me together when it feels like I’m comprised of a million fractured shards, kept in place by sheer will alone.
I’m surviving without Jared these past weeks because I have no other choice. I told him to stay away from me, and he has. Evidently, he’s handling our breakup with a lot less anguish than I am.
Eve takes a sip of her iced tea and waves her hand in front of her. “Blah, blah, blah. Enough about me. Congratulations on getting that job offer from the firm in Midtown. I’m so happy for you!”
“Thanks.”
“When do you start?”
“I go in for a day of introductions and training next week, but I won’t officially start until my classes are over and I graduate with my degree at the end of the semester.”
Eve raises her glass to me. “Here’s to getting your MBA. You did it, girlfriend.”
I smile as we clink our iced teas in a toast. Although the full-time accounting job will help pay the bills the way none of my other work could, I’m not as excited about it as I should be.
At one time, landing a safe, long-term position with a stable company was all I wanted. Now, I can’t think about it without hearing Jared’s advice to aim higher, do something more challenging, more rewarding to me personally.
Someday, maybe I will. And someday, maybe I’ll make it through an entire day without looking back in regret or yearning on our brief time together, too.
I hope that day comes soon, because so far it feels like a hurt that will never fade.
Eve swallows a bite of her sandwich, looking at
