No one called me at six in the morning, especially not when I was on night shift, unless it was a really big emergency.
I put the phone to my ear. “Hello?”
“Hello. I didn’t think you would answer,” Jody’s voice said. He sounded very surprised. “If I had thought that you would, I would have something prepared.”
“Don’t call me again—”
“Wait,” he said. “Before you hang up. Will you just give me a chance to explain?”
“You have two minutes. Which is more time than you deserve.”
“I know. I know that.”
“Great. One minute and forty-five seconds…”
“Wait, wait. Okay, so that guy, you know, the one who came up to us?”
“Yeah.”
“That guy is bad news. I didn’t want to introduce you, because I didn’t want to put you in danger.”
“You think that you introducing me to some random guy is going to put me in danger?”
He laughed, no humor in his voice. “Well, when you put it like that, it sounds a bit ridiculous. But yeah. Look, these guys, they don’t like me. They’re scary and they are big, and I’m happy to take a beating for the things I’ve done.”
I winced at that. “Sorry, what?”
“Because that’s what is going to end up happening with those guys,” he said. “It’s complicated, and I don’t want to bring you into it, but it’s also really simple. Ultimately, those guys don’t like me. Which is okay. I can deal with it. But if they don’t like me, and they know about you, and they know that I like you, that becomes a problem. Do you understand?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “We were just in a cafeteria together. It’s hardly like we were getting married.”
I heard his smile in his voice when he spoke again. “Yes, but I do make it a point in my life to have as few attachments as possible. They’ll find something to hold onto. Something to hurt me with. I actually care about you, and I don’t want it to be you.”
“So that’s why you denied ever knowing me?”
“Yes. And why I would always deny knowing you, to people like that.”
“But you hang out around people like that.”
“I know. Hey, if it makes you feel better, if we did start dating, I would be embarrassed to introduce my friends to you, not the other way around.”
I laughed, despite myself. “This does not redeem you. If anything, it just makes me worry about your well-being. Can you get out of that life?”
“Maybe. I’ve just never had a reason to.”
“Is your well-being not a good enough reason?”
“No, because it’s not like I can just go and get another job anywhere. I have a criminal record and no one’s interested in hiring a felon. Even if I started at the very bottom, they do criminal checks for that,” he said. “I have to make a living. I tried to make an honest living and the system was like, fuck you, so I’m doing what I have to do.”
I swallowed, sitting down on one of my dining room chairs. I topped against the glass as I thought about what to say to him. “That sounds really terrible.”
“Not really. I’m used to it,” he replied. “It is what it is. I’ll find a way to make park volunteer clean-up a job yet.”
“Is that what you do for fun?”
He laughed. “Fun is a strong word,” he said. “But I do like to do it. I feel bad for all the animals who choke on plastic and all that kind of stuff. Plus, I do find it relaxing to be outside, but doing it with a purpose. That feels pretty cool.”
“That’s really kind of you.”
He waited for a beat. “Does that mean you forgive me?”
“I guess. I want you to be able to introduce me to your friends.”
“If it makes you feel better,” he said. “Those guys are hardly my friends.”
I shook my head. “Whatever the reason,” I said. “I don’t want to go out on a date with someone who might not want me to be part of his life. Like, really part of his life. I’m not anyone’s secret. I refuse to be.”
He sighed deeply. For the first time since we had started speaking again, I thought I could sense actual fear in his voice. “I get it,” he said. “And I get why you wouldn’t want to date me. I just—I really like you. If you want to hang out, that’s totally fine. If you don’t, I promise I’ll leave you alone.”
I sighed. “Figure out how you can make me part of your life, and I’ll let you take me to dinner. How does that sound?”
“Totally reasonable,” he said. “When do you have time?”
“I’ll text you,” I said. “I’m exhausted. I need to go to sleep.”
“Sweet dreams, Jess,” he said. “Talk to you soon.”
“Yeah,” I said. “You too.”
When I hung up the phone, I was smiling.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
2019
It was later in the month that I finally managed to make time to go out with him. I kept canceling, because my schedule was so weird, and I was so exhausted, but I did want to see him, and the closer it got to our date, the more nervous I got.
I knew it was a little ridiculous. There was no need for me to be nervous, not about seeing him again. But I was. I was very nervous about seeing him again, I was nervous about dating
