I laughed. “I really had fun last night,” I said. “I didn’t think I was going to ever go out with you again, but I remembered why I liked it so much. You’re fun.”
“That’s one thing that hasn’t changed,” he said. “I suppose.”
“See, not that much has changed,” I replied, looking him up and down.
He stared at me for a second before his gaze fell. “Don’t,” he said. “That’s not fair.”
“It might not be fair,” I replied. “But you know that it’s on my mind.”
“I want you to be part of my life,” he said. “Not just… not just dating or whatever, but you know, anything that is part of my life. I want you to be part of it.”
“Seriously?” I asked as I raised my eyebrows.
“Yes,” he said. “Seriously. If you want me to, I’ll do it.”
“I… yes,” I said after a second. “That’s what I want. I just…”
“What?”
“You seemed really hesitant to allow me back into your life,” I said.
“Because it could put you in danger,” he replied, looking right into my eyes. “This isn’t about what I want, Jess. This is about what is good for you.”
“And you’re saying you’re not good for me.”
He nodded. “Exactly,” he said. “They are not good for you. Being with me would not be good for you.”
“What do you think is going to happen?” I said, leaning forward and putting my hand on his. His skin was cool, and even from where my hand was, I could feel how accelerated his pulse was. He was nervous, more nervous than he had been during our date, which was somewhat baffling. Given what he was saying to me, I supposed I could see where he was coming from, but it was still hard to wrap my mind around it.
“I think—something bad,” he replied. “Something bad could happen, and I don’t know, if it did, I would never forgive myself.”
“Can you be a little more specific?”
He shook his head. “No,” he said. “I would rather not.”
“Try.”
“That’s okay,” he replied. “I’m good.”
“Okay,” I said. “I want to be part of your life again, and all of your life, but I can’t do it if there are going to be conditions like this.”
“My life is complicated,” he said. “It could make you vulnerable.”
“So change your life,” I replied, looking right at him.
He looked a little taken aback, then smiled. “Yes,” he said. “Okay. I will.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
2019
I wanted to stop thinking about him. I wanted to stop thinking about the night that we had spent together, about the way I felt when I was in his arms. He had made me feel so beautiful, so safe, so… Powerful. Every time that he looked at me, I felt my entire body tremble. It was as if the spell he had on me couldn’t be broken, and there was a part of me that wanted to keep it that way.
I thought about him a lot. I didn’t want to, but every time I had some downtime he was the first person that would pop into my thoughts. I could tell that he was thinking about me too, from his text messages, from the fact that I didn’t go more than a few hours without hearing from him. We were both falling for each other again. And it would have just been sweet if it didn’t feel scary because despite my best efforts, I was terrified.
My first fears were no longer relevant. The trauma of him denying that he knew who I was, and was involved with me, seemed very small in comparison to our current problems. I understood that he talked around being a criminal. He never admitted it, but he never had to admit it. I had seen him with a knife sticking out of his arm, and seen him as he had brought his friends--if he could even call them friends--into the ER.
The truth was that I didn’t ask questions because I didn’t want to know the answers. There was an unspoken agreement between us that things couldn’t get to that point, that it was better for me if I didn’t know anything. I could’ve pushed, but I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to know about him putting his life at risk, I didn’t want to know what he did to earn money, and I didn’t want to know where he was if it was going to worry me.
Instead, I operated through heavy denial, telling myself that he was doing other stuff like gardening and going for long walks.
I didn’t actually know what he did during the day. Whatever it was, it was probably not good. He seemed to be able to match my schedule, though, which was nice. The majority of other men I had dated were not on a crazy nocturnal work schedule, and he seemed pretty happy to accommodate my needs when it came to my day-to-day routine.
I was thinking about that when the phone rang. It was Jody.
I picked it up, almost immediately. My heart still fluttered in my chest every time I saw his name come up on my phone screen. “Hello?”
“Hey,” he said. “Are you busy?”
“No, but I have work in a little while, so I wanted to catch some sleep before.”
“How about I bring you some dessert?”
“What makes you think I want dessert?”
“No, you misunderstood me,” he said. “I want dessert. I wanted to know if you also wanted dessert, but if you don’t, that’s no skin off my nose.”
“Fine,” I replied. “Bring me
