I look down at my plate and push around the food she just cooked. “I just.” I look up at her and see the glistening of the ring on her hand. “I have to go and speak to my father.”
“I think that’s a good idea,” she says softly, coming to me now and sitting down beside me. “It’s time.”
“I know it is,” I say, my stomach turning. “I just, fuck …” I put my head down. “I said some shitty fucking things.”
“You did,” she says, putting her hand on my neck. “And a coward would walk away, but you are going to go over there and make things right with him. You have to, Ethan. He’s your dad.”
I nod at her, knowing it’s the truth, and when I kiss her goodbye ten minutes later, she shocks me by putting on her shoes. “Where are you going?”
“I’m not letting you go there all by yourself,” she says. Walking out of the house, she waits for me to walk out, holding up her hand to block the sun. “I mean, you have to talk to him by yourself, but I’m going to be there for you when it’s over.”
I don’t even tell her that it’s fine, and it’ll be okay. Instead, I grab her hand and bring it to my lips. “I love you.”
“You better,” she says, and when we pull up to my father’s house, my heart speeds up faster in my chest.
“Maybe we should have called before coming over,” I say, tapping my finger on the steering wheel. “We’ll come back,” I say, but she is getting out of the truck, waiting for me. I take a huge deep breath and get out.
“It’s going to be okay,” she says, grabbing my hand as we walk up the walkway. I look around to see if anything has changed, and it all looks the same. “Should we ring the doorbell or just go in?” she asks, and I swear I feel like I’m going to be sick. She leans over and presses the bell, and we hear screaming from inside.
The door opens, and Kallie stands there with her hair piled on her head, and when she sees me, a big smile forms on her face. “Well, this is a wonderful surprise.” She looks at us. “But why did you ring the doorbell?” She shakes her head. “Come on in.”
Emily walks in first, and I follow her. Looking around, I see that the pictures on the wall are still the same. More have been added, but mine stopped when I turned twenty. The last picture they have of all the kids together was two months before I left. The smile on everyone’s face is everything. “Hey, you guys.” I hear Amelia and look over at her as she comes down the stairs. “I didn’t know that you were coming over.”
“It’s a surprise,” Kallie says, smiling. “Come in and stop acting like strangers.” She looks at me. “This is your home.”
I look down, unsure as to what to say. “Is Dad home?” I ask, my voice low. Kallie looks over at me, and she has tears in her eyes.
“He’s in the shed,” she says. “They’re all going fishing tomorrow, so he’s making sure he has everything ready. Go out there.”
I nod and look over at Emily, who just nods at me. “You’ll be fine.”
“He doesn’t have his gun, does he?” I ask Kallie, and she just laughs. Yeah, he always has his gun on him. We were taught very young that if there was any danger, we had to run the other way while Dad ran toward the danger. I step out into the backyard and see the play structure he built for me when I was three. It looks like it hasn’t been used in years. I don’t have to walk far when he comes out of the shed, and when he sees me, he stops in his tracks. I’m suddenly back to when I was five years old, and all I wanted to do was hug my father.
“Hey,” I say, lifting my hand. He just looks at me, almost as if he’s scared to say anything to me. “I was wondering if we could talk,” I start. As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I say, “I can come back. It’s not that important.”
“Why don’t we go to the creek?” He motions with his head to the back of the yard, and I see the treehouse he built for me but then changed it into a real house for Amelia.
“It’s seen better days,” I say to him and walk down to the creek, both of us not saying anything. I swallow. “So how have you been?” I ask, making small talk, and it’s the most awkward fucking conversation we’ve ever had.
“You came all this way to ask me how I’ve been?” He cuts to the chase before I do, and I just look at him. “How I’ve been?” He shakes his head.
“This is harder than I thought it would be,” I say to him, and he looks down. “I’m sorry.” He looks up. “I figure before I start saying anything, I should just start with that. I’m so sorry.”
He laughs now bitterly. “You’re sorry?” He looks up at the sky. “You’re sorry.”
“I know, Dad.” When I say his name, his head snaps to mine.
“Oh, I’m your father now?” he asks, and he has tears in his eyes. “Now I’m your father. Five years ago, I was nothing to you,” he says, his voice broken. “At least that is what you said to me.” My eyes fill with tears as I see how much I’ve hurt him.
“I went to see him,” I tell him, and he looks at me. “Liam.” I don’t say
