“Back next week,” she says finally.
I won’t hold my breath for an invite over to meet them. “Do you think we would get along?”
“We’re not close, Spence. It’s not like it is with your family.”
“All right,” I say, shrugging. “You and me are all we need, anyway.”
The look she gives me, like I quite literally am all she will ever need, floors me. I will do anything she wants if it makes her look at me like that.
“You and me against the world,” she breathes. “No one else.”
Thirty-Eight
Indie
By December nineteenth, I have perfected my routine. I spend my days studying, I’ve worked one evening to cover sickness, and the rest of the time I’ve been attached to Spencer. It means I’m not spending as much time in an empty house.
We’re making the most of the time we have, and I love it.
I’m living in a bubble that will soon pop. Right now, though, it’s the perfect sphere.
I’ve not been alone without something to do. There’s no time to think or stress. I pushed back my sessions with Anya that should have been two and four weeks ago because I didn’t want to go back over anything then. I could allow myself a few weeks to do things my way and enjoy a slither of happiness.
I’m still not ready, but it all ends today. I’m about to get out of my car and finally see Anya. She confirmed the appointment three times this week. She’s been gentle but pushy. After therapy, I have a visit with Mum, and then I’m going out with Spence, Wren, Brody, and Mila.
It’s going to be an emotional day with lots of highs and lows. At least the good is at the end. Spence will put my heart back together the minute he looks at me.
Besides a few short conversations with Mum about the funeral, I haven’t spoken about Dad’s death at all.
Spencer thinks I’m at uni all day, locked away in the library. I’m sure he pictures me in the attic room there, sitting beneath cobwebs. It’s been a struggle catching up on missed work, but I’m there now. It’s one less thing I have to stress about.
I get out of my car and go to meet Anya. She’s standing in the little waiting room with her hair in a long plait.
“Indie, it’s wonderful to see you. It’s been a long time.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Never be sorry to me. Come on through.”
I sit in Anya’s office, breathe in vanilla, and debate whether or not I should just run back out of the door. This morning, I skipped applying make-up because I knew I would have to speak about Dad. I’ll have to go over it, how I found him, how frozen I was when I realised his chest wasn’t moving. How cold and stiff he felt.
“How was your holiday?” I ask as she takes her seat.
“Great, thank you.”
Anya grabs her notebook. I’m sitting upright with my lips pressed together like they’re glued that way.
I twist my hands in my lap.
Tilting her head, she asks, “Do you want to discuss something in particular? We haven’t met in a long time. Is there a reason for that?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Start wherever you want. In your own time.”
I nod. What if I don’t want to start at all? “Spencer and I went to his premiere in LA.”
“That sounds incredible.”
“It was. He was amazing, and the movie is great. We’re trying to figure out how to make a relationship work with him having to be out there for months at a time.”
She smiles warmly. She always was rooting for me and Spence. “I’m sure you’ll find your groove if you both put in the effort. Is he keeping in touch? I know that was an issue before.”
“He was calling and texting more than me while he was in LA. Now he’s back for Christmas. He’s honestly the best boyfriend.”
“But…?” she prompts, clearly reading between the lines.
“His life is so different to mine. There were reporters outside his parents’ house, and he gets stopped in the street for selfies and autographs. He’s all over social media and has about ten thousand messages to respond to every day… and he handles it perfectly. Eventually, I’ll have to deal with some of that stuff, too. You know, having people taking pictures and digging into my life. They’re always curious about the girlfriend. Is she good enough, pretty enough, perfect enough?”
“The only thing that should matter is how Spencer feels about you… and how you feel about yourself.”
Yeah, well she knows exactly how I feel about myself. We’ve spent hours over the years discussing that one.
“Are you worried information about your parents will be leaked?”
You need to tell her now.
I nod. “I don’t know how I would handle that. When I think about Spence, Wren, and Mila knowing, it makes my heart race way too fast. That’s only three people, and they’re the people I’m closest to. Imagine what it would be like to have the whole world knowing what you went through as a kid.”
“Indie, there are so many people who have histories similar to yours. Celebrities aren’t perfect people from perfect families. They’re a mixed bunch, just like the rest of us. Many of them will identify with you, as will others in the public. Your childhood isn’t something you should feel ashamed about. None of it was your doing, and no one would ever think less of you because of it.”
“I’m scared.”
“I know, and that’s okay. But don’t let fear keep you away from happiness. If Spencer is who you want, if he makes you happy, then you’ll have to be brave at some point.”
I clear my clogged throat. What she’s saying is that if I
