He sat beside me on the stone floor, which always felt comfortably warm from the eternal flame.
“You talk with Nyx?”
I brushed back my hair and studied him. “Yep. Don’t you?”
“I pray. Or just sit in her temple and hope she knows I’m here.”
“She knows you’re here.” As I spoke the words, I felt the truth in them.
“Good. Then she also knows how sorry I am,” he said softly.
“About?” And then I realized how intrusive that question was and quickly added, “Never mind. That was rude of me. Not my business what you apologize to Nyx about.”
He ran his hand through his hair and looked so much like my Warrior that it made my stomach flutter.
James sighed heavily. “No, that’s okay. It’s not like you don’t already know. I’m really sorry that I supported Neferet.”
“What do you wish you would’ve done?”
He answered immediately. “Stood up against her. Spoken out.”
“Then you would’ve had to join the Resistance and hide from her, or she would’ve killed you. Either way, you wouldn’t have been where you were that day at the stadium. The only reason you were able to stop the Red Army from following her command to kill all those humans was because the soldiers trusted you. They listened to you. No one else could’ve done what you did. And because of that, you gave Kevin and me the time we needed to get the sprites involved.”
He met my gaze. “You sound just like your brother. I try to tell myself all of that, but I still feel like I let Nyx down by being on Neferet’s side for so long.”
I remembered that he’d even been Neferet’s lover, and felt a weird stir of jealousy, which I quickly squashed like the stupid, hypocritical bug it was. Instead, I drew a deep breath and let my gaze turn upward to the Goddess. Then I spoke the words that drifted through my mind like the scent of lavender and vanilla perfuming the air around us.
“When you stood up and spoke out, you did exactly what we needed you to do when we needed you to do it. You honored the Goddess. You didn’t let her down. You didn’t let your House of Night down. Stop beating yourself up for not doing something sooner.”
I could feel him staring at me, so I turned my attention from the statue of Nyx to him. Tears welled in his familiar brown eyes and his nose started to turn pink. My heart squeezed, and I reached out and took his hand. “Hey, it’s okay. You can forgive yourself and move on. It’s what our Goddess wants you to do.”
“For real?” He wiped at a tear that escaped down his cheek.
“Absolutely, for real,” I assured him.
And then, before I could say anything else, he leaned forward and kissed me. It was the strangest thing that had ever happened to me—and for the past year and a half my life had been totally filled with strange. It was physically like kissing my Warrior. His lips were the same. The arms that came around me were the same. But his touch was hesitant, not strong and sure and familiar. I’d kissed him once before in his world, but that had been fast and impulsive.
This was a real kiss.
I didn’t return it, but I also didn’t pull away. It was the most neutral kiss of my life. Not unpleasant. Just not right.
James eventually stopped and sat back. He stared at me through tear-glossed eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he blurted.
“Don’t be. I’m not mad at you. But, James,” I took his hand in mine again, holding it gently. “I am not what you need to fix your conscience.”
He pulled his hand from mine. “I didn’t kiss you because I want you to fix my conscience.”
“Then why did you kiss me?”
“Because I feel connected to you! There’s something about you that makes me want to be close to you.”
As carefully as I could I said, “James, that’s because there is something between you and Zoey. Or rather, there could’ve been something between you and Zoey if Neferet hadn’t killed her—but that Zoey isn’t me. She’s dead. What you feel for me is more an echo of what you could have felt for her than real attraction.”
He attempted the signature cocky James Stark smile and said, “I dunno, Z, you’re really hot. I’m pretty sure I’m actually attracted to you.”
I wanted to roll my eyes at him and conk him on his thick head, but I figured that would be counterproductive. Instead, I said, “You’re mistaking physical attraction for something a lot deeper, and that something is what I have with Stark.”
“It’s hard to understand.”
I nodded and laughed softly. “I know, right? Here, maybe this will help. Think about Kevin. You know he and the Aphrodite from your world were in love.”
“Yeah. I just saw her in Nyx’s Realm. They’re still in love.”
“Right. And you’ve seen this Aphrodite. Are they the same people?”
“No. I mean, they’re similar, but our Aphrodite didn’t have friends like this one does, and she’s obviously with that big Warrior.”
“Darius,” I said.
“Yeah, him. And in this world, she is different—more confident. She’s nice to Kev and all, but she’s not—” his words broke off as he got it. “Oh. She’s a completely different person and that person is not in love with him.”
“Yeah, and while she feels something for him because in another world they were lovers and together—”
He finished before I could. “In this world their relationship isn’t the same because even though they’re versions of the same people, they aren’t actually the same.”
“Now you’re getting it.” I squeezed his hand. “In the presence of Nyx, I want to tell you what I wish for you. I wish that you will find your love—someone who makes your heart fill with joy just by looking at her—someone who you don’t just want
