When they announced Tuc as winner of the contest, the crowd roared as loud as thunder, which almost made her and the child fall into the water.
“You are indeed Tam, with hundreds of magical talents. You’re not a flesh-and-bone being.”
It was Hao who said this. As Tuc made her way through the crowd, he followed a few feet behind. The way he moved seemed sluggish and full of sorrow, as though he were an abandoned person. Tuc felt somewhat sorry for him. But why hadn’t he joined the military? Back then, this was a dangerous question for any young man who had been “left behind.” Was he afraid of death? Or was he ill or disabled?
Now, out in the middle of the deserted rice paddy, under the bright moon, Tuc felt nervous and annoyed that Hao had surprised her.
“Why did you follow me?” Tuc asked, lowering her voice.
“Finally my patience is rewarded,” Hao said.
“Nobody is forcing you to be patient and stay in one place, just waiting,” Tuc said gently.
Hao picked up immediately on what she meant. He replied quickly, “Don’t think that I am afraid of death. Tomorrow morning I will put on my rucksack and go to the battlefield. Only tonight …”
A cold shudder ran up Tuc’s back. Hao moved toward her.
“The moon is so lovely tonight,” Hao said, inching even closer. “But why is your soul as cold as ice?”
“Watch your mouth, or I will take you to the village authorities,” Tuc said.
“Tuc, why won’t you give me a chance? Do you know why I haven’t left yet? Because I love you.”
“Don’t be ridiculous!” Tuc said. “Aren’t you ashamed to talk like that?”
“I’m not going anywhere before you tell me that you’ve never loved anyone,” Hao said, suddenly insistent.
“I would appreciate it if you only cared for me as a friend,” Tuc said, still trying to be gentle but also firm now.
“Why are you so cruel? You know very well that I love you and cannot live without you. You know that my life would be meaningless if I didn’t include you in everything I do. Go ahead and curse me, scold me like a dog, but please don’t be cruel to me.”
As a woman, Tuc suddenly felt sorry for Hao. She could see that he was indeed a very lonely man. He was an attractive, elegant person who could get a wife easily, especially when all the other men were gone. She pitied him.
“I need to be honest with you,” Tuc said. “My heart is already devoted to someone else. There is no room for your affection, though I believe it is sincere.”
“Don’t lie to me!” Hao screamed, acting all of a sudden like a petulant child. “I beg you! Tell me that you love me, and tomorrow I can leave for the battlefield with no regrets. I will make great contributions, I will …”
Hao stopped talking when he noticed the distant stare that had come over Tuc’s eyes. He did not understand it. He did not know that there was only one person, and that person wished to see her holding a bunch of flowers tied with a blue silk ribbon as she stepped out from the moon. Hao was merely someone who evoked this other person’s image.
Tuc’s eyes grew even more distant. It seemed like she was contemplating the very mystery of the universe.
Then all of a sudden she felt a sensation of falling, as if she were tumbling down into a dark abyss. The starry night sky spun around her uncontrollably and she heard the sound of grass crunching under heavy footsteps. She was on the verge of screaming out, but Hao’s hand already covered her mouth. Like a giant reptile, he crawled over her body, his hands clawing wherever they could. Tuc felt like she was suffocating. She wanted to throw up. She felt her body curling up into itself like a piece of dried fruit left too long out in the sun. She felt the moon in the sky above breaking apart and starting to bleed. But in that moment, she gained a kind of power she’d never known before. Righting herself underneath Hao’s weight, she managed to pull back and then kicked him with all her strength. Hao screamed like a beaten dog. Tuc grabbed her rifle and stood up.
“Is that how you express your love to me?” she demanded, her voice like fire.
Hao held his stomach, where she had kicked him, and rolled on the ground in agony.
“You avoid death just so you can do more terrible things!”
“All I wanted was to show you my love,” Hao said pitifully.
“It’s an evil kind of love.” Tuc raised the rifle to her shoulder and pointed it at Hao. “Get lost before I pull back the bolt.”
Hao stood up clumsily. His clothes were all disheveled. With his head bent, he walked past the barrel of the rifle. Then he stopped and said, “You’re just playing hard to get,” before running off into the night.
Tuc bit her lip and followed Hao’s black shadow with her rifle. She aimed directly at his back and closed her eyes.
No, she thought finally, her hands loosening their grip. Let him live. People like him suffer more in life than in death.
I don’t remember exactly how many military units stayed in our village during the war. Probably at least a couple dozen. The young soldiers always promised that they’d return one day. The war back then was at the height of its cruelty, and that “one day” seemed very uncertain. As the years went by, we didn’t see any of them return.
But our village did receive letters from the soldiers. Some were from the North, which meant the sender was already dead. Other letters were only a few scribbled lines, as if these were their last words
