The least effective means for managing others is to use tactics that will encourage them to despise you, for the moment they leave your sight, they’ll defy all that you say and stand for. Dictators almost always find this out the hard way, when the people they’ve abused rise up to threaten them in the same intolerable fashion in which they’ve been treated. Children who despise a parent similarly tend to emulate the hateful tactics to which they were subjected, or they detach themselves completely from that dictatorial adult and spend years attempting to heal the scars from the terrible treatment.
The enlightened leader trusts those whom he or she is in a position to govern. This view results in trust, as he or she who has faith in the people will be trusted by them in turn. Consequently, they’ll be able to say, “We did it ourselves.” So raise your children to be self-sufficient, to make their own decisions as soon as they’re able, and to feel pride in the decisions they do make. See yourself as an enlightened leader, and show the world a new type of leadership. Children who grow up with such a view will be the next generation of great leaders that Lao-tzu describes.
Here’s what I believe the esteemed master Lao-tzu is offering you today:
Instead of believing that you know what’s best for others, trust that they know what’s best for themselves.
Allow other people to share their thoughts about the path they see for themselves. Let your position be known, but also convey that you trust them to make the right choice. Then step back and peacefully believe that the way you look at this situation will change. Offer praise when those in your charge are making their own decisions, even when their behavior may conflict with yours. Trust yourself to give the best response by not seeing yourself as knowing what’s right. Remember this phrase from the Tao Te Ching: “When a leader trusts no one, no one trusts him.” The surest way to gain the faith of those you govern or supervise is to allow them to make as many decisions as possible.
Take pride in refusing to take credit for the achievements of others.
If you look at others’ accomplishments as a reason for you to be rewarded, promoted, or complimented, change your viewpoint. Let praise go to those who are the beneficiaries of your leadership.
Speak less frequently and suspend your self-interest—instead, allow everyone in your care to speak for themselves. Change how you see their performance from being a credit to your skill to the thrill they exhibit over their accomplishment. You’ll cease wanting credit, and alternatively feel the happiness and pride that they’re experiencing.
This is how Hafiz described it in his 14th-century poetry:
Even
After
All this time
The sun never says to the earth,
“You owe
Me.”
Look
What happens
With a love like that,
It lights the
Whole
Sky.
Love those you’re entrusted to lead, just as the sun loves our planet. Simply be there to serve, never demanding anything in return.
Do the Tao Now
Choose some situations with your children (or anyone you’ve been designated to supervise) to become an active observer. Nod, smile, frown, or gesture without saying a thing, where you previously would have readily interfered. Notice how your active observing impacts those you’ve been assigned to lead.
18th Verse
When the greatness of the Tao is present,
action arises from one’s own heart.
When the greatness of the Tao is absent,
action comes from the rules
of “kindness and justice.”
If you need rules to be kind and just,
if you act virtuous,
this is a sure sign that virtue is absent.
Thus we see the great hypocrisy.
When kinship falls into discord,
piety and rites of devotion arise.
When the country falls into chaos,
official loyalists will appear;
patriotism is born.
Living
Without Rules
Picture yourself in a world where rules and laws don’t exist, where everyone lives peacefully and harmoniously. There’s no anarchy, thievery, hatred, or war; people simply live, work, love, and play without needing to be governed. Can you imagine a planet where the need for codes of conduct and edicts to govern the populace are simply unnecessary? This is the sort of idealistic mental meandering that led Lao-tzu to create this 18th verse of the Tao Te Ching, in which he’s clearly stating that you don’t need rules to be kind and just.
I’m suggesting that when you change the way you look at the underlying reason for regulation, the organizations controlling society, politics, and the criminal-justice system will eventually change. (Need I add “for the better”?) When you alter your viewpoint to a Tao-oriented one, you cease to see your dominant reason for being and doing as being dictated by your nation, city, school, religion, or even your condominium association! Laws or rules are seen by many as solely responsible for effective kindness, justice, and love—but you can choose to live from your heart, viewing these virtues as individual responsibilities that you adhere to without a statute or convention telling you to. This is what I mean by living without rules: You can choose to see yourself in harmony with the regulations and laws of your business, government, family, and religion rather than because of them. I promise you that when you adjust rule-based thinking to a heart-based attitude, your life will change!
In the Tao orientation, unlimited joy, kindness, abundance, and well-being flow through all; seeing life in this way makes rules irrelevant. You can act in accordance with this munificence and beneficence, which are the essence of the Tao. Make love the bedrock of your family’s motivation to be loving, rather than just feeling obligated to be kind to
