“Snake’s got her all twisted,” Violet says.
She nods, raises her beer bottle to her lips with one tattoo-covered hand. Her arms are a masterpiece of colors and designs, tattoos done with skill that puts most other artists to shame. One of these days, I need to get her to sit down so I can photograph her. She’s so striking.
“You love the man, you love the club. And you accept everything that brings with it. Sometimes it sucks to share, but realize that, even when you’re sharing, you’ve still got a man who’s more loyal than most. It just takes some compromises to keep him. But do they ever make it worth it,” she says. “And the alternative — the other men out there — they do not come close.”
I nod. It’s what I’ve seen so often in my parents’ relationship, but it’s still something I need to hear from others just to have it sink in. And it’s a compromise that worries me. What kind of life can I make for myself independent of the club, if the club will loom over every facet of my relationship with Snake? I may have to make a terrible choice — the man only man I want, or the life that I’ve always wanted.
And, even if I should choose him, will Snake be willing to take me with all the sacrifices a relationship will involve? Taking me as his old lady means he will have a wholly different set of responsibilities — responsibilities that other couples in the club don’t have to take on; my father will always keep a close eye on him, and Stone is not a man you want to cross.
“How do you make it work?” I say. Just thinking about it all makes me feel like I’m drowning. There’s so much to consider, so much to worry about, it’s like the world is trying to swallow me.
“You fight for it. You fight every day. Because when it’s good, it’s so good. And when it’s bad, you think about how good it can be and you work your fucking ass off to get things back on track,” Sophia says.
“It isn’t easy, Addie,” Violet says. “It’s the hardest job I’ve ever had. But it’s the most rewarding one, too. There are times that Crash makes me feel so special, my heart is ready to burst. And he’s good to my friends, too. Kendra wouldn’t be here without him. And Josie would be such an undirected hellraiser — I mean, she will always be a hellraiser, but at least now she has a good group around her to keep her on track. It’s so worth it. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”
“You could always do as I do, dear,” Ruby says. “It took time to move on from my dear departed rascal of a husband, and I miss him every day, but I’ve learned to embrace my freedom and the modern conveniences that enable me to live a very full life. And very full evenings.”
“Ruby, have another drink. You sound thirsty,” Violet says.
“Oh, I certainly will, but this martini is not masculine enough for my needs.”
Slowly, I tune them out, let them continue their conversation on their own as I slip into my own thoughts. I see two paths in front of me, two paths that lead in entirely different directions; one leads to the man I want, one leads to the life I want, and never will those two meet.
Then the clubhouse doors open. And I see him; The man I’ve wanted since I knew what it felt like to want a man.
All five of them — my father, Snake, Axel, Blaze, and Mack — return with grim faces. Expressions grave enough to wrench my stomach upside down with worry. It’s hard to keep my distance right then — just seeing the look on Snake’s face makes me want to run to him — but I wait. I know better than to charge in and insert myself in club business.
I wait. Watch. See the men huddle in gloomy conversation, observe the white-knuckle grips on glasses, the deliberate way they chug their whiskey, as if trying to drown their agitation.
It’s a struggle to spend nearly twenty minutes watching him in dark debate with the rest of the club. To see that side of him he fights so hard to repress come to the surface, that part of him that suffers so much pain and so loves to inflict it.
When the club’s conversation finally breaks, I nearly fly off my seat and walk as fast as I can toward him without drawing attention to myself. Ruby, Violet, and Sophia might know how I feel about Snake, but they’ll keep my secret and I can’t risk anyone else finding out.
First, as the dutiful daughter, I go to my father. I give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek and he absentmindedly returns my kiss.
“I love you, dad,” I say. “You OK?”
“Love you, too, Addie,” he grunts in return. “You and your mother stay safe while I was gone?”
“We did. But she’s been nervous since you left. You know that one wrinkle she gets on her forehead when she’s really worried? She’s got that real bad right now.”
“She does?”
“She’d probably appreciate you taking her out back to talk in private for a bit.”
“That’s a good idea,” he says, giving me another not-quite-there kiss and a hug.
I think of telling him to wait — I can’t recall the last time I’ve seen my father this frustrated — but he’s heading toward my mom before I can react. Which is just as well. My mom’s always been the one to help him find his center, and he needs her now just as much as she needs him.
