“The first time he came here he baked me bread,” Cassidy said in a shaky voice. “He had the dough in a bowl right here in this room and he kissed me.” Tears sprang from her eyes. She remembered his soft lips, his laugh, his new stubble rough against her cheek, and how he smelled like yeast. A whimpering cry filled the porch and she covered her face with her hand.
“You’ll get through this, Cassidy,” Emily said, her voice firm.
“I won’t,” Cassidy said, brushing back tears. “I don’t know how. It’s so hard.”
“Maybe you need to go, like, on an expedition or something.”
“What?”
Emily’s lips pressed together. “Well, you’re always going a million miles an hour. Skiing big mountains and surfing or running.”
“I hate running.”
“Okay, but my point is that being outside and charging like that is who you are. Maybe climbing some big mountain somewhere would help you.” She sighed and crossed her free arm across her chest. “I don’t know.”
“Mark wants to head up to Baker to spread some of Pete’s ashes on Saturday,” Cassidy said.
“Are you going?” Emily asked.
“I’m not ready,” Cassidy replied with a violent shake of her head. She inhaled a gulp of air, clenching her teeth to hold back another sob. Skiing Mt. Baker, with its rickety chairlifts, the steamy lodge, the views from the top of Pan Dome, would bring the memories flooding back. I don’t have enough pills for that.
“Well, you have some of his ashes, too, so you can go when you are.”
Cassidy felt the room begin to spin.
“Come on,” Emily said. She extended her hand to Cassidy.
With what felt like herculean effort, Cassidy managed to rise.
“I’ll just use the restroom first,” Cassidy said, breaking from Emily’s hand.
“Want me to come with you?” Emily asked.
Cassidy shook her head, but it only made the room spin. She managed to grab the wall for support without Emily noticing.
“Okay, I’ll save you a spot,” Emily said.
Cassidy followed the wall to the small bathroom. Just as she reached to knock on the door, it opened, and Analeise Jewel stepped out.
“Oh,” she said, her eyes wide. “Hi, Cassidy,” she added, her voice high. She had pulled her reddish hair back into a messy bun so that the stray hairs looked like spikes.
Cassidy opened her mouth to reply but all that came out was a huff of air.
Analeise stepped away from the bathroom entrance. “I hope you don’t mind, but I wanted to come tonight,” she said. “And . . . I’m sorry for being such a bitch to you. I was just really jealous, you know? You deserved him, though. You guys seemed really happy together.”
Cassidy felt frozen to the wall. Enjoy your time while it lasts, Analeise had told her. This time, the words she tried to express came out as a bark of laughter.
“I’m so sorry,” Analeise said, pausing for a minute, as if waiting for Cassidy to reply. When she didn’t, Analeise slunk by her.
Cassidy stumbled into the bathroom and locked the door behind her. Slowly, she slid to the floor and cried.
When she finally rejoined the group in the living room, Mark was finishing a short speech about how they should feel free to jump in whenever they felt ready to talk. “It can be anything. A memory, a moment in time. Whether you’ve known him for decades or you met him in passing, this is our time to come together and share.” He caught Cassidy’s eyes and her belly quivered. The group on the couch made room for her. With Emily on one side and Tara on the other, Cassidy felt strapped to her own personal rocket ship of doom.
As individual people began to speak, Cassidy felt more and more drowsy. She tried to focus on the words, but her mind kept wandering. People told stories of Pete’s relentless curiosity, or of how his chronic lateness infuriated them, or about his superhuman endurance. Mark told the story of the avalanche, his eyes flashing with energy. Several times he made eye contact with Cassidy, each time drawing out that same feeling of longing.
“It was like it didn’t even phase him,” Mark was saying. “I mean, he’d almost just . . . ” Mark paused, biting his lip to hold it in. “ . . . died . . . ” He paused and wiped his cheeks. “And after, he was like, ‘Roar! Bring it on!’”
The crowd murmured. Sounds of sniffing and shuffling feet filled the room.
“He took life by the balls, man,” someone said. “That’s how he lived.”
There was a long pause.
“He really inspired me,” a voice from across the room said. “I mean, I didn’t know him that well but I feel so fortunate that I did.” Cassidy recognized the voice but couldn’t place the name. Wynn? Wren?
“He got in my face once about ethics,” a male voice she didn’t recognize said. “I’d fucked up and he knew it.” The man shook his head. “God, he was pissed.” The man shuffled his feet. “But he was right. He reminded me why we’re in this business. He always had such a high respect for our profession. It was humbling and a pain in the ass sometimes, but he’s left a giant hole and I don’t know how I’m gonna fill it.”
There was a long pause. Someone sobbed. The stories kept coming, from workmates, old and new friends. Her PhD advisor appeared out of the throng, but Cassidy’s attention drifted. Tara told a story, and because she was sitting next to Cassidy, all eyes turned her way. It made Cassidy feel disoriented and strange. Was she supposed to speak next? Her mouth felt dry and hollow and her head swimmy. She wasn’t sure she could form words even if she wanted to. The storytelling continued for what felt like years, Cassidy crying silently through it all and wishing for it to end so she could lie down.
Finally, Mark told a story about a practical joke Pete had played on
