“You’d better be cooking,” Mom replied, and Dad laughed.
So did I. Our family was weird, pretty much the opposite of a Greek myth. No poison fruit, no thunderbolts, no curses or spells. All the grown-ups were friends—Mom and Dad, Mom and Nicole. However it had happened (and it must have been sometime when I wasn’t looking), I was really glad about how we were all getting along.
Also about Mom’s new job, and the fact she’d be living close by. When Dad brought out a bottle of wine and the grown-ups clinked glasses, I clinked my water.
“Here’s to only good things from now on,” Dad said. “For all of us.”
“Only good things,” Mom agreed, glancing at me with wet eyes.
“Only good things,” Nicole repeated, smiling at everyone.
But that’s impossible, I thought. You can’t have only good things.
And that was when I had my speech. It came to me at the dinner table fully written, like a gift from the gods.
OMIGODS: SPEECH DAY IN MS. FARRELL’S SECOND PERIOD ENGLISH CLASS
Cait (speaking while signing in American Sign Language): “Hello, my name is Echo. I’m using sign language because Hera took away my ability to speak my own thoughts. But I still have opinions, and there are a few things I need to say.
“First, to Hera: I’m sorry I distracted you when you came to the woods looking for Zeus. I now know he was having an affair with one of the nymphs, but I swear to you I didn’t know it then. I didn’t distract you on purpose, I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut. Not being able to speak my own thoughts anymore is a terrible curse—and honestly, I don’t deserve it. If you would let me speak my own words again, I’ll praise you all day long, I’ll tell you stories and jokes, I promise not to make bad puns or waste my breath on silly comments or gossip. Please, please lift your curse and let me speak like myself again. Repeating other people’s words all day is driving me crazy. I bet it’s driving everyone else crazy too.
“Second, Pan: I like you as a friend. But only as a friend. Please respect my feelings and BACK OFF.
“Third, Narcissus: You are the earth’s most beautiful male creature, and I’m madly in love with you. Why won’t you even look at me? I’m not ugly—ask Pan, who won’t leave me alone. It’s so unfair how you never notice me, even though I’m always right behind you. I know I may seem like a creepy stalker—but maybe if you’d stop looking at yourself for just one minute and notice me, I wouldn’t need to follow you around, repeating your words. Anyway, if I don’t get my own voice back, maybe we can sing love duets together. You have a nice voice—so that means I have a nice voice too.”
Malik (carrying a beachball): “You know who I am? I’m Sisyphus, the guy rolling this rock uphill every day. Every night it rolls back down and then I have to start over, so you’re probably wondering why I bother. Believe me, a lot of the time so do I. I’m told it’s a punishment for my days as King of Corinth, when I was mighty and powerful and kept on tricking the gods. Whatever. I’m hoping that one day I’ll be King of Corinth again, but until then, I try to stay positive. At least I have this busywork to keep me in shape. Beats working out on a treadmill, right?”
Harper (covered in fake Halloween-decoration cobwebs): “My name is Arachne. I know the story you’ve heard about me: I’m this obnoxious mortal girl who went around bragging about being the best weaver on earth. But that’s an exaggeration. I never said I was the best; I just really, really love to weave, and I’m incredibly good at it. There’s nothing wrong with taking pride in your work, is there? But Athena is so bossy and stuck-up, and she always overreacts whenever she feels someone is challenging her powers, which I would never do. Because (hello!) she’s a goddess—so when she challenged me to a weaving contest, I had no choice. (Yes, I know you probably heard that I challenged Athena, but why would I? I’m not an idiot.) Anyway, it was so unfair how she ripped up my tapestry just because she didn’t like the scene I wove. Maybe she didn’t like my choice of subject (and I admit depicting Zeus’s twenty-one infidelities was a bit edgy on my part), but that didn’t mean it was bad! And turning me into a spider? Total overreaction.”
Silas (strumming a guitar):
“Eurydice, my beautiful wife
This is Orpheus singing
To guide you back to life.
Don’t think about our wedding
When you got bitten by that snake
And had to go to the underworld
Instead of eating wedding cake.
You are my one true love,
My soul mate and my double—
I’ll follow you even if
It gets me into trouble.”
Aria (in camouflage vest and orange hunting cap, carrying bow and arrow): “Yo, Actaeon, I’m talking to you! This is Artemis! I don’t know how you didn’t get the message, but everyone else on earth knows that I’m not into boys. Or girls, for that matter! I’m totally focused on my career as goddess of the hunt, so get over your infatuation NOW. And stop staring at me, because it’s really creepy! Oh, and another thing: If you ever spy on me again when I’m bathing in the woods, you’re going to be frolicking with Thumper full-time, get it?”
Addison (wearing tiara): “I’m Hera, and I want a divorce.”
Kylie (with smashed-up wings made out of pipe cleaners, and wet hair): “Hey, guys, it’s Icarus, and yeah, I know I screwed up. My dad Daedalus (who I call Daddalus) made these really cool
