“So, have you thought about what you wanted to do for Kate’s birthday? I’m great at last-minute party planning. I literally had three days to plan Ev—” I stopped myself before the rest of his name spilled from my lips. Why was it still so hard to say his name or to remember how happy we once were?
“Your husband?”
“Yes. I’m sorry, it’s still so difficult for me to talk about him. I feel like I don’t deserve to remember the happy times because I caused him so much pain.”
Theo shook his head. “You were part of those happy memories you made with him, so you absolutely do deserve to remember them. Everyone makes mistakes, Jillian. No one is perfect.”
“Evan was.”
Theo raised his eyebrow in doubt.
“No, he truly was. He put me on a pedestal, and I smacked him right in the face. I didn’t deserve him. From the day we first met, I knew I wasn’t worthy of him. If I had just listened to my inner voice that day in the coffee shop when he introduced himself, then maybe he would be alive right now.”
“Stop!” Theo raised his voice. “Why are you doing this to yourself? You’re a beautiful, caring, loving person who made a mistake. That doesn’t make you less worthy of anyone.”
I grabbed a napkin and dabbed my eyes, shaking off the emotion. Theo only knew the new me. The one who grief and guilt forced to grow up. Not the one who always wanted something that was so far out of her reach, blaming others, or shall I say Evan because of it. He would never understand that side of me, and if I was being honest, I didn’t either. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I didn’t want to have to prove to Theo my valid reasons for feeling so undeserving of Evan, so I decided to drop it totally.
“Okay, so…let’s get back on topic before I veered off path. What did you want to do for Kate’s birthday?”
“Jillian?” Theo clearly wanted to finish our prior conversation, but I didn’t.
“It’s fine. Really…I’m fine. Come on, tell me what you want to do for her party.”
“I don’t know. I was hoping you’d have some ideas.”
“Well, does she even like parties?”
“She does, but given the circumstances, I don’t think she’d be much in the mood for that.”
“Okay, so let’s see.” I broke off a piece of my sandwich and popped it in my mouth. “How about a show? They have Broadway-type shows in London, don’t they?”
He nodded.
“Do you think she’d be up for that?”
“She definitely would…if she was feeling better. I think that may be too long of a day for her, though.”
“Well, why don’t we ask her what she wants to do and plan it from there?”
“Sounds good to me,” Theo replied.
Thomas began to stir, yawning and stretching in his stroller until his eyes peeled open. He was even cuter in his sleepy state. “Tee Tee,” he whimpered, his little voice low and gruff. I thought it was absolutely adorable how he referred to Theo as Tee Tee.
“Wow, sleepyhead is awake. Are you hungry, buddy?”
“Mamma?” he asked.
“Mummy is home,” Theo said, handing him a sippy cup.
Thomas pushed the sippy cup away and cried, “Mamma!” His face reddened, turning down into a frown with tears spilling from his eyes. Theo reached into the stroller to take him out, and he stiffened. “Mamma,” he called once again.
“Thomas, look who came on our picnic.” I pulled his stuffed bunny rabbit from his diaper bag, momentarily halting his cries only to start up once again. “Mamma!” he wailed.
“Shhh.” Theo tried once again to pick him up and his crying turned into sobs.
“May I?” I asked Theo as Thomas flailed in his arms, continuing to weep for Kate. Theo eagerly handed him over to me. I held him and stood up, turning him around so he could see what was going on. “Thomas, do you want to go look for squirrels?” His cries stopped for a brief moment as his head turned from left to right. “Come on, let’s go for a little walk and find some.” I took a few steps to a big oak tree a few feet away and placed him down. “Are there any up there?” I asked, pointing up to the branches. Thomas’ mouth widened as he threw his head back, looking up at the tree, babbling something incoherent while he pointed. “Or are they hiding on the other side?” I asked, taking his hand and walking around the huge tree trunk. “Mr. Squirrel, where are you?” I called. Thomas mimicked me in jumbled words, totally immersed in his squirrel hunt and no longer crying for his mother.
“That was brilliant!” Theo complimented as he walked over to where we were standing.
“A little diversion works every time.” I laughed.
After a while we were able to coax Thomas to the bench to have some lunch. In between bites of his sandwich, he’d crawl off the bench and reach for my hand to walk over to the tree with him to check for squirrels. His determination finally paid off after the fourth time checking when two little chipmunks ran around the base of the tree next to the one we were checking before running up it.
Thomas squealed in delight, jumping up and down, calling, “Tee Tee!”
“Did you find the squirrel?” Theo asked as he approached us.
“Dis!” Thomas walked over to the tree the chipmunks had just run up, tapped on the trunk, and pointed up to the branches.
“They were actually chipmunks.” I giggled. “Same difference. One has a fluffy tail, one doesn’t.”
Theo chuckled, lifting Thomas on his shoulders so he could touch the bottom branches. Thomas’ smile melted my heart, it was
