“Brain-what-ing?” Nessa was sitting in her favorite chair beside the open window, working on her embroidery.
“Brain-storming, ye ken? ‘Tis one of my mother’s words. Floofing a bunch of thoughts together in yer mind like a storm and seeing what comes out of it.”
“Ah.” Nessa nodded, her attention on a particular stitch. “Like Malcolm’s idea of ‘throwing a bunch of ideas at the wall and seeing what sticks.’”
Leaning back on her stool, Lara tried to maintain her balance as she stretched. “But that bit of nonsense made less sense. Have ye ever thrown bread dough at a wall? It sticks, and ‘twould no’ be a good idea to use it afterward.”
Her best friend looked up long enough to cock a brow in Lara’s direction. “Oh?” Nessa hummed. “And how often have ye wasted perfectly good bread dough to test this theory?”
“Have ye met me? I dinnae waste food at all.” Lara patted her curves good-naturedly, then shook her head. “ ’Twas my mam doing the throwing, and my brother doing the ducking.”
“Brohn?” Nessa’s question was a little too high-pitched, a little too fast. She ducked her head once more, but Lara saw her friend’s blush.
She’d known Nessa since they were both wee lassies. Lara’s mother had come to the keep as the housekeeper and worked beside her husband, the steward. Lara’s father had died shortly before her first birthday, and Moira had raised her and her older brother, Brohn—and most of the Oliphant bastards and Nessa too—alone.
Although Nessa was a result of the laird’s only marriage, neither Lara nor Nessa remembered Glynnis, Lady Oliphant, but there were enough stories about the sharp-tongued harpy to make them both glad they’d had Moira instead. The housekeeper could be a terror when riled, but she cared deeply for her own children and Laird William’s children as well.
Brohn was close friends with the Oliphant bastards and had recently been made Rocque’s second-in-command and was given his apartment in the barracks when Rocque moved in with Merewyn in the village. Lara’s brother was crowing about his good fortune, but Nessa was moping about it.
Hmm.
“Aye, Brohn,” Lara said slowly, straightening once more and placing the slate down on the table in front of her. “He’d been teasing Mam and Cook about something.”
Nessa sighed, her gaze on her embroidery, even though she didn’t make a stitch. “He used to be such a horrible tease.”
There had been a time when Brohn had teased Nessa as much as he’d teased his own little sister. But that was before he realized Nessa had grown up. Lara knew for a fact her brother one day looked at Nessa—gorgeous and vibrant and giving absolutely zero fooks about what everyone else thought was proper—and saw not just his little sister’s best friend, but, well, Nessa.
And Nessa had always been half in love with Brohn, the same way Lara was half in love with one of Nessa’s brothers.
Damnation. She’d doodled tiny penises all around the slate’s border again.
In order to distract herself as she hurriedly wiped away the chalk marks, she blurted, “So…any updates on the no’-wanting-to-get-married situation?”
She could hear the scowl in her friend’s voice when Nessa said, “Da is working on another marriage contract.”
“Already? Henry Stewart isnae yet cold in his grave.”
Nessa scoffed and stabbed at the linen in her hands. “Think that matters to Da? He’s determined to marry me off to some distant Henry. He’s already had Alistair send a letter to the Campbells.”
“I thought ye’d already been betrothed to a Henry Campbell?” Lara asked, as she dusted off her hands.
“Aye, but apparently there’s another Henry Campbell the family doesnae like too much, since they’re willing to marry him off to me.”
Lara shook her head and stood. “Dinnae say that. Eventually ye’ll catch a Henry who doesnae die before the wedding ceremony.”
But Nessa only mumbled, “I dinnae want a Henry,” as she squinted angrily at her embroidery.
“Aye, I ken,” Lara murmured sympathetically as she sank down to the bench next to Nessa. “I’m sorry.”
Her best friend harrumphed, and Lara sighed. The laird had gotten it into his head he needed to marry Nessa off, despite her protests. This would be her sixth betrothal contract, if the second Henry Campbell was willing. The first five had also been Henrys…and all had died before Nessa had even gotten the chance to meet them.
‘Twas becoming a bit of a curse.
“Bah, let us speak of something else!” Nessa declared, dropping her embroidery into her lap.
“Aright.” Lara nodded to the pile of threads. “What are ye working on?”
“This? ‘Twill be a pillow cover or some such.” Nessa gestured dismissively. “I thought mayhap ‘twould be educational.”
Lara leaned over to peer at the embroidery. “Verra educational.” She hummed and pointed to one part of the artwork. “Is that a leg?”
“Nay, that is his leg.” Her best friend smoothed out the linen to point to the entwined figures. “That is his penis.”
Lara could only blink. “ ’Tis…a big penis.”
“Aye, ‘tis allegorical.”
Twisting her head to one side, Lara squinted. “Och, aye. An allegorical penis. Do all allegoricals have two penises?”
“What? Nay, an allegorical is no’ an animal. ‘Tis a human penis, both of them. Both men.” Nessa was frowning down at her design.
“Oh, that’s where the extra leg comes from. I thought it belonged to the woman.”
“Nay, see? She’s attached to this harness with a leather strap.”
Lara hummed. “Verra clever, if such a thing existed.”
“I dinnae see why it wouldnae. It makes access much easier.”
The two friends met each other’s eyes, then burst into giggles. “Verra educational,” Lara managed to gasp.
“Allegorical!”
The friends’ laughter slowly turned to gasps, then heaving breaths as they slouched against one another.
“Speaking of penises,” Nessa began nonchalantly, “how’s Alistair?”
Well, that had Lara shooting straight upright once more. “What?” it was her turn to squeak. “He’s— I mean, how should I ken?”
“Oh, ye ken why I ken ye should ken.” Nessa smirked.
Blushing furiously, Lara turned her gaze to her lap. “ ’Tis too many kens in
