“He hurt me first,” I tossed back sharply, glad to be able to say it out loud for once.
“I know,” Blake sighed, giving me a taut frown. “You might not like the truth, but I can tell you it if you wanna hear it.”
“I do,” I said immediately, my heart pounding harder.
Blake nodded, running a thumb along his stubble in thought. “Kyan has feelings for you, feelings he can’t even understand himself. It’s not that he’s told me that, it’s that I know him inside out. He’s my brother. Has been for most of my life. There’s nothing he can hide from me. Nothing either of them can. And he wouldn’t anyway, we’d stand by each other no matter what.”
I let that sink in, wondering if I believed him and hating that my heart was suddenly backflipping like it had just been given the best news of its life. Bad heart. Not cool.
Blake went on, “He doesn’t think he’s good enough for you. He doesn’t think he’s good enough for much in life to be honest. Which is total fucking bullshit, but try telling him that and you’ll get nowhere. The more I’ve tried to prove he’s worth something, the harder he acts out to prove he’s not. So when you told him he’s nothing…you confirmed everything he’s ever thought about himself. He won’t come near you now because he figures he’s doing you a favour.”
“Oh,” I breathed, my insides twisting up into a tight ball. “I thought he was just using me as a plaything. I thought he felt nothing for me, that he was laughing at me the whole time…”
“That’s doubtful,” he said. “He doesn’t fuck around with people’s hearts, that shit’s sadistic. He doesn’t normally go anywhere near people’s hearts if I’m honest. But with you, it’s different. I don’t wanna talk for him, but I don’t want you to think of my friend like that either. Because it’s not true. Kyan has one of the biggest hearts I know, he just doesn’t let that many people into it. He let you in, sweetheart. And then you carved him up. That’s why he’s hurting so bad.”
Ouch.
Dammit, I should have been happy I’d touched a nerve with Kyan, so why did it make me feel like utter shit? But I couldn’t apologise when he’d never offered me a sorry for all the hell he’d put me through. This was probably the least pain he deserved. So why did this news make me wanna run to him, wrap my arms around him and swear he was worth more than every diamond in the world? He wasn’t nothing. I just thought this was all part of his master plan to destroy me.
Why was this all getting so complicated? No confusing, that was the word. This was a headfuck of mass proportions. The fact that I was strolling along with my arm linked through Blake’s like he was some nineteenth century bachelor come to court me was a joke.
When did things stop being so black and white?
I tugged my arm free of his, combing my fingers through my hair instead while I felt his eyes on me.
I couldn’t let this new knowledge upset my plans. I needed them to stop all of this shit. This niceness. They weren’t good people with big hearts. They were monsters with barren souls.
I couldn’t stop punishing them just because they’d done the odd kind thing or because Kyan was experiencing the occasional decent feeling. That didn’t make this right. They still owned me. Had still tried to ruin me.
Saint had half drowned me.
Blake had put a gun to my head.
Kyan had disregarded my privacy, stood by and watched while Saint tortured me, then flirted with me like I was fair game. No matter what he may have felt towards me, I couldn’t let this change things.
My breathing evened out as I realised what I wanted. What I needed. They had to be humiliated like I had been. They had to be laughed at and shamed. And I couldn’t blink while I did it. I knew I was in deep, I’d always known it was going to be hard. But letting them get away with their crimes because I felt one percent sorry, or saw a glimmer of decency in them wasn’t good enough. So it was onto the next phase of my plan.
Humiliation.
***
I stood in a cubicle in the women’s toilets in Aspen Halls, refilling the toilet paper dispenser. I’d become a TP vigilante – not exactly what I’d hoped to be during the apocalypse, but there it was. The unit I’d unlocked to fill with toilet paper was being fiddly to shut, the catch not locking as I tried to close it. But nothing can stop the TP bandit.
A bang sounded out in the restroom and I frowned, turning my head as another bang made my heart judder. It sounded like someone was kicking the cubicle doors open, but why?
“Hello?” I called, slamming the dispenser shut with enough force to make it click into place at last.
No reply.
Another bang made my throat tighten then the sound of running water filled my ears. What the hell is going on?
I grabbed my bag from where I’d hung it on the back of the door and cursed as my lipstick came loose from a side pocket, hitting the floor and rolling out into the restroom.
I was about to open the door when someone started hammering on it and I stepped back on instinct. Their shadow fell beneath the door and I bent down to try and get a look at their feet.
“Who is that?” I demanded, refusing to be shaken. Maybe it was Pearl Devickers trying to wind me up. She threw insults at me
