And I was going to use this secret tunnel and Lucielle’s Beauty Mirror to get into the castle.
“Alas,” the actor said once I’d finished questioning him, “my time upon this rock is done; dispense thine justice, m’lord!”
“Sure, I’ll kill you,” I said, “but I’m not running you through or cutting your head off. I’m thinking maybe slow roasted over a fire, starting with your feet, until the flesh literally melts off them. Then, we’ll lower your legs in, nice and slow, and—”
“No, Vance, please!” he shrieked, dropping down onto his knees and wringing his hands and dropping the pretentious act. “Not like that, man, please, no, please, I’m begging you, I’m fucking begging you!”
“Stand up. I’d never actually kill anyone like that. Except for my uncle, maybe.””
“Ahh, apologies for that, er, undignified outburst, m’—”
“Say ‘m’lord’ one more time, and I might just change my mind about slow-roasting you.”
To tell the truth, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with this idiot just yet. Until I did, the best option was to tie him up and gag him.
“Sit down against that tree trunk,” I instructed.
Too intimidated to do anything else, he did as he was told. I then tied him to the tree, making sure his knees and ankles were well-bound, and shoved the rag back in his mouth.
“Keep quiet back here, don’t try to escape,” I said.
“Mmf, mmf,” he mumbled, nodding vigorously.
I left him there and went to gather my people together. Everything was now in place for the invasion of the castle.
Chapter Thirty-Three
When everyone was gathered around the main bonfire in the camp, I stood on a rock and spoke.
“My friends,” I said, “here we are, on the outskirts of Brakith, at the edge of my destiny. Some of you have been with me since I was a mere assassin and crypt diver,” I continued, giving Isu a nod, “while others have only recently joined this party.” When I said this, I looked at Rollar, who bowed slightly.
“But what I know about every single one of you, regardless of how long you’ve been with me, is that I can trust you completely. I’ve interrogated the actor I abducted from the ruins, and he told me that there’s a secret way in. According to him, the tunnel is very narrow; only one person can go through at a time. It comes out in the castle crypts. Once we get into the crypts, I know ways of getting around the castle unseen. The key here is stealth. I’ll use the Beauty Mirror to pretend to be the actor, coming in for a meeting with my uncle.”
“Doesn’t he look just like you?” Rami questioned. “What would be the point of the mirror?”
“He doesn’t talk like me,” I explained. “At all. His mannerisms are very different. The mirror can mimic speech patterns, facial expressions, all that.”
Rami nodded in understanding.
I continued addressing my party. “The actor said that there are guards posted at various points in the tunnel and in the crypts. I’ll take them out one by one and make sure that none of them raise the alarm. Once that’s done, you can all come through the tunnel. Then, we kick some fucking ass.”
“What about your army?” Elyse asked.
“They’ll need to stay here for now,” I said. “I’m not ready for open battle yet, and if I can take my uncle out without a battle, all the better.”
“What if you can’t?” Isu asked.
“Then battle it is,” I said, grim and determined. “There’s no way I’m running from my ratfuck uncle. But I’m going to try everything I can to defeat him without a full-scale battle.”
“Who’s going into the castle then?” Rollar asked.
“All of you,” I said, “plus a small contingent of undead troops. I’ll bring Captain Jandor and a few zombie Crusaders, my zombie snipers, and Sarge and a few skeletons. Fang, your bear, and Talon the harpy, will have to stay here with the rest of the undead troops. They simply won’t be able to fit through the tunnel.”
“Drok cannot wait for fight,” Drok growled, beaming out an eager, gap-toothed smile. “Drok go berserk!”
Everyone smiled politely, but wrinkled their noses. I briefly considered sending Drok into the tunnel alone; his stench would probably knock out any guards in there long before they saw him. No, no, the Beauty Mirror was the best way, as tempting as the “stink bomb” method was.
“We strike before dawn,” I said. “In the darkest hour of the night.”
“When will we know that it’s safe to enter the tunnel?” Rami asked.
“I’ll fly Talon across the sky, so keep your eyes on the moon. When you see the silhouette of the harpy flying across it, you’ll know that the time has come.”
Everyone got some rest in preparation for the predawn invasion of the castle, while I sat up most of the night, thinking and strategizing and sharpening my weapons. Then, around an hour before dawn, I woke everyone, got my undead troops in order, and began the march through the woods to the entrance of the secret tunnel.
We stopped in the shadows of the trees around 50 yards from the tunnel entrance. As I’d suspected, there were two guards posted there, and the entrance was chained and barred shut.
“Remember the signal,” I whispered to everyone. “I’m going in.”
I gripped the Beauty Mirror, picturing the actor’s face in my head. Sure enough, his face showed up on the mirror as a ghostly reflection transposed over mine. It was very similar, but there were a few freckles and a slight angle to his nose that I didn’t share. With the mirror’s magic working, I tucked it into the belt and walked out of the trees into the clearing.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” one of them asked me. “We weren’t told about any upcoming meetings.”
“And the boss hasn’t
