“And you think I do? I thought I was coming for a complicated case where you needed my help. You could have sent me all the details by email, and I could have taken care of that shit from home with my son on my lap. I don’t ask for much Mark, but not coming to Virginia was one, and I showed up here for one reason and only one, because you needed my help.”
My chest tightens, thinking of the real reason I came here.
To free myself from the truth, to tell my once upon a time friends and Elaine’s family, I’m the reason she died, to rip off the bandage and let it heal once and for all. But if I was standing in front of two doors right now, denial written on one and truth on the other, I would choose denial and go back home.
Take my son in my arms and ignore the state of Virginia. Worked well enough for me in the last five years.
“Want to tell me what really happened to you, brother?” Mark says, handing me a tissue. Beads of sweat are falling on my lap, and I didn’t even realize.
It was easier to pretend in New York than here.
Maybe because no one really sees me there?
Because I’m mostly alone?
Because I’m not so close to the grave I never visit, to the life I used to live, to the people who used to know me?
Closing my eyes, I focus on my son, my sister, my bar, and let go of the rest.
Nothing else matters but those three things. Nothing else is important. Nothing else deserves to be.
I take a breath then another and let images of my son flood my brain—his smell, his hands, his soft little skin, and all the noises he makes when he sleeps. I find the strength to get up and walk.
Without a word, I leave Mark behind and get in the kitchen to call Naomi. As usual, she shoots straight forward when she picks up.
“What the fuck is going on, Ol? You’re needy and clingy. Much more than usual.” Her face fills up the screen, and I’m so glad we’re best friends. She’s beautiful, smart, loving with our son, and always honest. When I was too present during the pregnancy or too over-protective, she let me know. When she needed me more because Lars was on a European tour with the band and I had to be there for her, she asked.
“It’s harder than I thought.”
She smiles, understanding. She didn’t go back to Tokyo to see her father and promised herself she never will. The same way, I promised myself I would never set foot here again.
“So come home?” She simply says.
If only it was that easy.
“Na!” Lars interjects behind putting his head on her shoulder. I never was jealous of those two. I knew when I married her that I wasn’t the one she loved. That’s why I did it.
It was easy, comfortable, sexual, but it was no love like I had with Elaine.
It was a great friendship, but nothing heart-altering.
“Ol, buddy, you need to stay there and get your shit together. Our son needs the best father he can have, and as long as you haven’t dealt with your demons and haven’t stopped shoving your head in the sand like the ostrich that you are, you won’t be.” They are the picture-perfect of what I thought I would have.
“Talk to him, handsome while I go get our baby. You know he’s not calling to really talk to us,” Naomi says before leaving the room. And there I am left facing the stepfather of my son.
“Look, Ol. I’m not saying going over your shit is easy.” His hair falls into his eyes, hiding the understanding look he always gives me. Our relationship has been rocky, but since the pregnancy, we have developed a kind of friendship. Lars Trouble is an awesome man, a rock you can count on, a friend who will do anything for the people he loves. “But we all know you have more things going on than what you let us see. Anna is worried sick but doesn’t want to show you so not to upset you. She’s enabled a lot of your behavior and shit over the years, and marrying Na the way you did, without telling her, made her really worried about your abilities to ever be truly happy again. Dan is… well Dan. He won’t do shit if Anna tells him not to.” I nod, trying to keep my emotions in check.
Knowing I hurt my sister is hard to hear. I can’t stand having anything happen to the only person who was here for me all my life. My chest tightens again, and my leg goes back to bouncing. Nevertheless, because Aito is going to be on the screen any moment and I know Lars has the best intentions at heart, I let him continue. “Na and I, it’s different. You’re family because she chose to have a child with you. I chose to be in that life with you two knowing it would be complicated and shit. We’re a triad without the sexual advantage of it for Na. So… I’m going to say it once. You need to deal with the life you left behind in Virginia, you need to mend your wounds, you need to get your shit together. If you don’t want to do it alone, Na and I will come. Some things are going on with Art, but I will come to help you first because you’re the father of our son and the best friend of my girlfriend. But you’re not coming home until you have talked to Elaine’s parents and lift the weight off you’re carrying around. Is that understood?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Oh, hello there,” Lars says to someone behind me. I was so focused on
