I yell to release it all, to hope everything stops, and I can let it go. I don’t see the landscape I know so well.
I’m on autopilot. Pain, rejection, shame, I know those feelings all too well. Everything I was after King’s death is so alive inside of me, it feels as if it happened yesterday. It’s still so real.
For a moment of peace hanging on Oliver’s lips, I’ve awoken everything I was able to bury.
My grief is eating me alive, and the only solution I see is leaving this world.
If you believe your loved one is waiting for you on the other side.
If you think there is life after death. If you feel love is more meaningful than anything else. Then King is there, just at the end of my life, waiting for me to love and be loved.
I speed a little more and curse my ability to drive so well.
Just a little mistake, and I could join him.
Just a loss of control, and I would be with him forever.
My body isn’t allowing my brain to do so.
I’m in total control of my vehicle.
I’m as safe as I always am.
I pray for my body to collapse, for my muscles to get tired, for anything to jump on the road.
I don’t hear the sirens behind me. All I hear is King’s voice, calling me to the other side. He’s there, smiling, waiting for me. But my body knows what it should be doing.
I don’t see the police car chasing me. I’m too close to the love of my life. At the end of the road, that’s where it ends — Thelma and Louise style.
Or so I hope.
King is in the car holding my hand. He’s standing in the middle of the highway, anticipating my death. He’s everywhere telling me we could be forever young and free.
I accelerate a little more.
The faster I arrive there, the faster I crash, the faster everything stops, the faster I’ll be with the man I love.
And then the ringtone I allocated to King resonates in my car, the one I haven’t heard since he died.
That’s when my body lets go.
That’s when it would be easy to lose control and perish, but all of a sudden, I don’t want death anymore.
King called me.
Maybe he’s alive.
Why would he have called me if he was dead?
I slow down, allowing the cop car to catch up to me, sirens blaring.
My mind explodes when I realize what I was ready to do.
Anger, fear, and sadness take over the humiliation, degradation, and disgrace, I felt only a few minutes ago.
I bring the car to a stop and wait for the officer to come to my window.
Of course, it’s Jenkins.
Because when Death plays with your destiny, she likes to fuck with you.
He knocks on my window for me to put it down.
“What the fuck, Tessa?” He screams. And all I do is shrug. “Step out of the vehicle.” I do and lean on my car, still shaken by what just happened. “What were you thinking?” Jenkins continues, pissed at me with reason. “And don’t give me any bullshit about the free highway and you knowing what you’re doing. You were going 125 mph in a 65 mph zone and didn’t show any sign of stopping when I started chasing you. You endangered your life and mine. That shit has to stop! I have to arrest you for reckless operation. And believe me, that’s nothing compared to what is going to happen to your ass once Quinn and Dixon find out about this. Dixon and Cole stuck their neck out for you last time with that psychologist shit. They did something nice, and this is how you prove them you’re all balanced and shit? I can’t believe this. What were you thinking?”
Looking at the tip of my shoes, I can’t stop the words coming out of my mouth.
“I wanted to die, but King called,” I tell Jenkins, not recognizing my voice.
Because King did call me and I need to call him back. Talk to him. Find him.
“Shit,” he says. “Look at me.” I slowly raise my eyes to his. “Is the bomb ticking in your head?” I nod. “What happened?” As if I was going to tell a friend of Quinn, I tried to put myself out there.
“Sometimes, it’s just too much.” I confess my deepest secret.
Jenkins nods as if he could have any idea what I feel like. No one in my entourage knows. No one but… I push away Oliver and the connection I still feel toward him even after what happened.
“So you were going to die in a car accident here. Kill yourself on the road, doing what you say you’re an expert at?” I give him a tight smile. “Have you thought of Quinn? Of what he would feel if you die when he’s been so worried for you for years? After he gave his word to his guy? After he did everything he could to help you and you keep biting his hand when all he wants is for you to stop treating life like a gamble? You know Tessa, I’ve been lenient, we’ve all been, but I can’t let this one pass. I’m so mad at you right now.”
“Call him,” I surprise myself saying it, knowing it will break Quinn’s heart but certainly save my life.
Truth is, I scared the shit out of myself. What would have happened if King wouldn’t have saved my life?
I smile. King saved me.
His phone call stopped me from spiraling.
It was him.
Only he knows about the song One by U2.
Only he knows the lyrics of our first kiss.
I can barely put the thoughts together.
King called.
King is alive.
My legs give up, and I fall on the asphalt. Delirious to the realization that I almost died when the love of my life is not dead.
“Tessa, what the fuck is happening now? Why are you crying and laughing
