Tessa just grazed it, not even.
She wanted to get in as much as I wanted to let her in—not at all—but there she is. Subverting every one of my breaths. Perverting every one of my thoughts. Slowly making every memory of Elaine bearable. “Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison de connaît pas,” as I like to remind my sister when she began her story with Dan and she was overthinking.
The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing.
And my heart is gone for a blue-haired girl, even if I shouldn’t. So many reasons why I shouldn’t: my son, the people we loved, the digging I have to do on her stepdad, the protectiveness of the guys at Cole Security, our living arrangements.
I push it all away.
I still have a week or so working here, maybe more, and we’ll see then.
I need to learn how to walk before running. But I am so afraid to go back to the loss of control and the void inside of me, my brain is overworking to find a solution already when we’ve only had sex once and went on one date.
I’m a pathetic fool but she’s the only air I need to survive, and I am not ready to die.
Not anymore.
If Aito had given me the strength to go on, Tessa is giving me the hope I need to continue to live.
The hope that in the middle of the dark tunnel I’ve been walking through, there is a light that is able to brighten my path with just a smile and a strand of blue in her hair. And maybe I’m lying to myself, but it feels good to think this way and for once, I’m allowing myself to do so. I allow myself to think I can be happy after Elaine and I’m even feeling it.
Still grinning at the thought of seeing Tessa later, I answer the FaceTime call coming in. Naomi and my son fill the screen, making me smile even more.
“Hi guys,” I say, elated.
“Shit, Ol! Let me take a screenshot.”
“Why?” I laugh without knowing her reason. Naomi’s way to greet me is always different. She has been a tornado in my life, before being a rock. Her friendship means everything to me and I am glad to be forever part of her life with the baby we share.
“You’re fucking happy, man. That’s why!” Trouble says, appearing on the screen. “She needs to send it to Anna. So you got into the panties of the girl with the blue hair?”
“Tessa,” I grumble, not liking Lars Trouble describing her as if she was just any other girl.
“Tessa, got it,” he says with a smirk.
“I was going to ask if you wanted us to come by so you can spend some time with Aito, but I guess you’re good?” Naomi asks.
Images of my son and my girl spring into my mind and my heart wants to jump out of my chest. Tessa holding him, mothering him, being there for him… Shit.
“Would you come alone?” Naomi nods. I have no doubts she knows what happened. Anna might be her boss but they are friends and share almost everything. Well Anna does. Naomi isn’t one to open up easily.
“If you don’t want Anna to come, she’ll stay behind but she’s worried and it seems what you said hurt her. You haven’t talked to her since and she keeps asking if I got any news. I don’t want to get into your sibling business but, maybe send her a text or something?” Anna and I never fight, but after her showing up, I said some harsh things. Things only she could understand because I spoke in French and fast. But things I needed to say. For years, my sorrow was discounted because she was grieving a miscarriage and the end of a marriage, and it’s okay. I didn’t want the attention. I wore my mask, I didn’t want her to see me hurt. But now that she’s happy, it doesn’t give her the right to finally try to fix me.
So, I told her to go fuck off and to stay focused on her own shit like she did for years.
I was mad and didn’t want to see her worried eyes when I was doing my best to keep it together in front of Mark and Tessa, which was stupid as they know more than Anna did.
But I needed my sister to not be there. To disappear. To let me be.
“I know. I just need more time. She needs to let me breathe. Since Aito’s birth, she’s been… too much.”
“She’s worried, man,” Trouble, always the conciliator tries to help, “we all were...”
“Were? You’re not anymore?”
“Not with that smile. It’s the first time it’s reached your eyes since I’ve met you.”
“I almost regret the time when you couldn’t stand him, handsome,” Naomi tells her man, “you two are the cutest bromance I know.”
“Don’t tell Dan,” I laugh, “he might get jealous!”
“Speaking of… Should we ask him to officially be the Godfather of Aito?” Lars asks a little emotion in his voice. I nod. From kicking my ass, to helping Lars accept Naomi was pregnant with my child, he did more to help us navigate our situation than anyone else.
“And Anna the Godmother, of course.” I say. Even if I’m mad at my sister, none of us would have Aito without her. She’s the pillar of our lives. “How’s Sweet going to take it all?” I ask about the third member of the Darling Devils.
“That’s something else I need to deal with,” Trouble says scratching his head. “I fucked up somewhere and I don’t know what I did.” He seems pained by the situation. I know how he feels. Sometimes our smallest actions hurt the people closest to you. I
