“I’m sorry. I couldn’t tell you before. If I hadn’t asked her to come jump with me. If I didn’t need the rush. You told us so many times that it was dangerous, that it would kill us and it did. It killed her. I killed her. I’m sorry.”
The torment of my heart comes out with tears of desolation and gets deeper once I hear the pain I caused through Sue’s lamentation.
I broke her heart and will never forgive myself.
Entangling their arms from mine, I stand and start walking toward the door.
“Where are you going, Son?” Pat asks.
Son. Will they ever stop?
I halt and turn around, still looking at the floor. I will never be able to look him in the eyes. I lied to him and Sue. I covered it up. I was on autopilot and never said a word to anyone. I’m a liar and a coward. “Come back here and let us heal you. What happened is as much your fault than it is ours. We could blame ourselves for not insisting more on you two stopping this crazy life you had. We could feel guilty for never giving her enough so she needed more adrenaline and more danger in her life. But truth is boy, she died doing what she loved. She died in an accident. She died having a thrill. It’s not your fault more than ours. It’s hers. She knew she was pregnant, and she could have said no. She didn’t. She jumped. And as heartbreaking as it is for us to think we lost a daughter and a grandchild to be, we won’t lose a son to guilt. You’re part of this family, and I’m sorry you had to go through this alone.” His words are like a thousand spears against the false armor I wore the last five years.
Wounded, I fall on my knees, and as my head touches the floor, I lose myself in a sea of tears.
Exhausted, I let out every sob I’ve held on to since she died, everything I hid under my compulsions and fears, every thought that I was to blame.
“You don’t hate me?” I finally ask them, more afraid of the answer than I thought I would.
Sue smiles and shakes her head.
“If you would have told us the truth five years ago, while we were grieving, we might have reacted differently. But we grieved. It was hard, losing you both, but we worked on our loss, went to church, prayed, talked to people and worked hard. Sue even helps others dealing with grief now. We moved on. Not that we forgot, but we moved on. I feel a little mad you didn’t tell us, but I can understand why you didn’t. And now it’s time for you to grieve and move on. You have to for your son. I presume that’s why you came here?”
My first instinct is to nod, but I know I didn’t come here for Aito. Thinking of her, I smile.
“I think I’ve met someone,” I answer.
Sue’s face lights up and drying the tears of her cheeks, she says, “Let me put some tea on and tell me everything about her. Also, I want to see pictures of my grandson.” She stands and walks toward me. Her hand reaches my shoulder and squeezes it in a loving way. “Go sit next to Pat. He needs a hug too.” She softly says before disappearing toward the kitchen.
Still a little ashamed of myself, I sit next to who I’ve considered a father figure for years. Wrapping his hand around my neck, he brings his forehead to mine.
“If you disappear again, Oliver, I’ll come find you and kick your ass. Don’t think the former Marine that I am is afraid of a SEAL turned barman. You have us. We’re family and nothing will destroy our connection. Don’t forget it.” He slaps my cheek in a loving way and stands to join Sue who’s asking for help from the kitchen.
Sighing with relief, I look at the mantel and smile at Elaine. “Sorry, babe. It took me so long, but I finally did what I had to do.”
I know it’s the product of my imagination, but I see her wink and I feel lighter, almost floating on a cloud of forgiveness.
Exhausted, I lay back on the couch and close my eyes.
And in a matter of seconds, I’m asleep.
Chapter Twenty-Three
TESSA
I’ve checked my phone more than an addict looking for her next dose.
No news from Oliver.
We were supposed to spend some time together after I was done talking shop with Dereck at the track, but he disappeared again.
It’s something he does a lot.
When we aren’t together, I have no clue how he occupies his time.
I don’t think he hangs out much with Mark, and he can’t always be working.
As I’m still without a car, I call the guys for a ride, but none of them answer. I’m about to call for an Uber when Dereck comes out and sees me.
“Need a ride, kid?” Kid. I smile at the memory of my dad calling me so.
“Do you mind? My friends took my car away. They want me to go to therapy a couple of times before I can drive again on public roads. Something about being sure I won’t try to kill myself again.” I shrug to try to dismiss my words. I’m not sure
