6
Carrigan
I don’t know at what point I fall asleep, but when I wake up my body feels sticky with a mix of dried sweat and the results of the sex I just had with Carson Windsor. The hot, strange, painful, wonderful, world ending sex.
I’ve known for years that I wasn’t going to get to have the casual sexual relationships normal people my age have. I’ve built up this idea of how my first time would be in my head; knowing that it was unlikely I’d be in love with the first person I shared my body with. I’d assumed it would be awful, that I’d be nervous and mentally distanced from the act, that it would just be one more thing to endure to get the inheritance.
But what just happened with Carson was nothing at all like I’d imagined. I’m not a total weirdo, I’ve touched myself, explored my own body to see what feels good. I’ve given myself orgasms, or at least I thought I had, but they were nothing like the way Carson made me feel.
This boy that I don’t like, who doesn’t like me, made me orgasm so hard my entire body shook, and he didn’t just do it once, he made me come four times. Four times! I’ve never even gotten close to twice in a row on my own and he just kept making me scream over and over.
The actual sex part hurt, at least at the start, but by the end it was amazing, so unlike anything I could ever have imagined and now my body feels sore and relaxed all at the same time. Closing my eyes for a second, I bask in the feel of his chest beneath my cheek. I shouldn’t be cuddling with him, this was just about ridding me of my virginity and breaking the will, but I can’t help feeling close to him right now.
I always assumed I could make sex just something else to deal with, like every other aspect of my great-grandfather’s will, but I was wrong. Even though he didn’t kiss me, everything about what we just did was intimate and I was an idiot to think it wouldn’t be.
Five more seconds and I’ll move. I’ll get up, take a shower and wash my body clean of him, then I’ll leave. Keeping my breathing steady and even, I try not to wake him. For at least the next few moments I need to pretend that he doesn’t hate me, that he doesn’t know how terrible a person I am. I need to pretend that we had sex, that I gave him my virginity, because we care about each other and not because I literally didn’t have any one else I could ask.
Sighing wearily I move, trying not to wake him as I peel my naked body from his. Wincing slightly as the soreness between my legs, my movements are slow and careful. When I glance down at the boy in the bed I’m surprised to find his eyes open and watching me, but he doesn’t smile and he doesn’t say anything when I grab my discarded clothes from the floor and cross the room to the bathroom.
The hot water washes away the blood and dried semen from my inner thighs and I cringe at how beat up I feel considering all I did was lie on my back and let him do all the work. A blush fills my cheeks as I remember the things he said to me, the things he said he wanted to do to me. I’ve never really thought about dirty talk, I guess I never considered the guy I would end up married to would be like that, but I can’t deny how much it turned me on.
Everything Carson did turned me on. Before my sister got involved with Arlo Lexington, I’d never said more than three words to Carson Windsor. I’ve always known who he was, his family are on the list. But either my parents decided they didn’t want his family or his family weren’t interested, because my mom has never even mentioned him in terms of a potential husband.
There’s shampoo and body wash already in the shower and I use them, skimming my hands over my skin and letting my mind wander to the way he touched me. He could have just got me naked and had sex with me, it’s what I’d been expecting, but he took care of me.
“I want to own you. Until this is over I want your soul to belong to me.” His voice drifts into my head and I have to swallow past the lump in my throat.
He warned me, but I was too far gone to heed his words. He did what he said he would, he owned me. The scary thing is that I think a small part of me will always be his now, that when he took my virginity, he took a tiny part of me with it and I’m not sure I’ll ever get it back, or if I even want to.
Turning off the water I search for a towel, eventually finding a pile of clean, black, fluffy ones in a closet and wrapping one around myself. I allow myself a moment to dwell on everything that’s happened so far today and how much more will happen before the day is done. Then I dry myself off, redress in the clothes Carson and I bought this morning, minus the panties that seem to have gone missing, and then walk out of the bathroom with my head held high.
The bedroom is empty when I enter it and I freeze, expecting to find Carson still in bed, his impassive face watching me. Scanning the space my eyes fall on the tripod. The camera has gone too and fear bursts to life in my stomach.
