“I am the luckiest man alive,” he says against my mouth. “But—”
I still his mouth with a kiss and begin to undo the button of his jeans. His breath catches as I slide my hand beneath his boxers, closing my fist over him.
“Oh fuck,” he says, releasing a deep sigh.
His shaft is already large, but as soon as I touch it it begins to grow. He wrenches down his jeans with a sharp tug, and by the time he finishes kicking them off, his hand has slid between my legs.
He’s gentle at first, rubbing slowly on top of my wet panties. My hips begin to gyrate—I don’t remember telling them to—trying to create more friction. My hand grabs his shaft and I give him a small stroke. I want to make him feel good, too. I just wish I knew whether I was doing it right.
It takes us a little time to figure out the give and take. When his hand touches down there, it takes all my focus to keep stroking him. Suddenly I can feel my body shake, and Sterling stops to check on me.
“You alright?”
“Yes. God yes,” I say. “It’s just the cold.”
“Here.” He helps me off the bed, and when he turns around to pull up the covers, I slide my panties off. Somehow, it’s easier to do it when he’s not looking.
He slides into the bed and holds the covers up like the flap of a tent. “Come here.”
I climb in quickly, aware that I’m standing in front of him naked. It’s the first time he’s seen my whole body. It’s the first time any guy has seen my whole body. Sterling wastes no time exploring the new territory. A fingertip presses past my seam, centering over the pulse there, and I jolt. Every sensation in my body feels like it’s been turned up. I didn’t know anything could feel like this, and I wonder if it’s always like this, or if it’s just this way with us.
Sterling takes his time, allowing me to adjust to the new sensations. Then a finger coaxes inside me and he begins to gently massage.
“Please,” I moan. Ready for more. Ready for him.
“We need to take it slow,” he whispers. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
He rolls on top of me, still watching me like a hawk. I bring my knees up and open as he leans down to kiss my breasts. I hear the foil wrapper on the condom tear, watch him reach down to put it on. He moves between my legs, positioning himself carefully, but then he stops.
“I love you.”
His words sink in slowly past the haze in my brain. He loves me. I try to find my voice, but there’s a knot of emotion where it should be. My whole world revolves there on a tiny dorm room bed with a beautiful, broken boy. I’m being swept away to somewhere new—and it’s terrifying and exhilarating all at once.
And then I finally find the right words. The ones I’ve been holding back. The ones he’s given me. “I love you.”
Impossibly, his answering smile is shy, and I realize that this is his first time, too.
Not with a girl.
With love.
He props himself on the same arm that gathers my shoulders. His other hand carefully guiding himself inside me. He watches me, careful but relaxed, as his tip pushes inside me. I feel pressure. Insane pressure. It feels like I’m being split open, and I gasp.
Sterling freezes, and I clutch his shoulders, worried I’ve done something wrong.
Stop it. You’re ready. You want this.
I hook my heels around his waist and try to force him deeper, but he resists.
“Slowly,” he warns. “It gets easier, but the first time…Just trust me, okay?”
I bite my lip and nod.
He slides in more and the pressure increases, a searing pain growing until he begins to move. Each stroke draws a line of pain in its wake, then erases it, until the pain fades to a dull throb. I close my eyes and cling to him.
Sterling pauses. “You alright, Lucky?”
“Keep going,” I whisper.
He begins with slow, steady thrusts. I’m so full of him there doesn’t seem to be room for the air I need to breathe. And always he watches carefully, like he’s holding his needs at arm’s length. Slowly, Sterling destroys me and rebuilds me, until I’m no longer the girl that walked into this room. I’m someone else entirely.
When his breathing becomes ragged and uneven, he kisses me, and I hold on as his body tenses and spasms.
“That was amazing.” He says, brushing my lips with his thumb.
I can tell he’s waiting for me to say something, but I can’t find the part of my brain that speaks. Everything is new and raw and possible.
“Yuh… yeah,” I fumble, and the only words I can find are the only ones that matter. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
He wraps me in his arms, holding me close as my body shakes. When it quiets, he kisses my neck. “Be right back.”
Sterling returns with a washcloth and runs it gently between my legs. I sit up on my elbows and spot a crimson stain on the sheets.
“Oh my God.” I stare at it in horror. “I’m so sorry.” I flop back and cross my arms over my face, willing myself to be invisible.
“Hey.” He pries them away, but I refuse to open my eyes. “That’s normal. You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I wrecked your sheets,” I say.
“You can buy me new ones for Christmas.”
I lift one eyelid. “So was I terrible?”
“Honestly?” He pauses, and I wish the bed would swallow me up. “Nothing has ever felt better than being inside you. I just wish you enjoyed it more.”
“I did!” For some reason, this sends me shooting up in bed.
