His voice is distant and very unlike the Brooks I know.
“Even if you found someone serious, what would you do with them?” I ask, cringing.
He pauses, seemingly contemplating his answer. “I don’t know. People like us… we don’t do commitments and the big, happy families. I mean, it works for a rare few, but let’s face it. People on the outside don’t get what we do.”
I stay silent.
“I guess you and Clara are starting to see the realities of all this.”
I sigh. “I missed Jacob’s game, and we had a big fight last night. Now, she wants to talk.”
“Ouch. Did you tell her about Ed?”
“Yes.” I scratch my chin. “I started to, anyway, but I don’t know what to say. How do I explain this to her?”
He rounds his desk and places his hand on my shoulder. “I don’t know the answer, but I do know you and Clara are great together. If anyone deserves to find happiness with commitment and a family, it’s you.”
“But how do we make this work?” I pace in front of him.
It’s a question I’ve repeated in my head. One I wish I could ask my dad. I wish I could get a clear answer—if he even had one.
I’m starting to wonder if one exists.
My dad showed up for us when he could. I don’t remember him and Mom ever arguing when he couldn’t, but it doesn’t mean they didn’t.
I just remember how happy he was when he was with us, even when I’d overhear him tell my mom it had been a hard day.
Brooks smiles wistfully. “My mentor during my undergraduate career got engaged halfway through his residency. I asked him how they made it work since, hell, I saw him more often than she did. He said, ‘It’s not about the time you don’t have together. It’s how you spend the time you do have together.’ Said when he was with her, she made him have faith in the world. It wasn’t all death and blood and paperwork. You know, he was ancient, so they still worked with hard copies back then.” He smirks. “But his advice was good, nonetheless. When it came to his relationship, he was just a man with a woman, and they were in love.”
My throat clogs with emotion. It’s exactly how I feel about Clara.
She offers me peace and relief. A break from the stressful reality of the clinic.
I stop pacing, and Brooks claps me on my shoulder. “Guess I hit the right chord?”
I give him a small smile. “You did. Thanks.”
“Don’t thank me. Thank the bastard who let me shadow him and didn’t kick me out when I got too obnoxious.”
“True. If he was still able to have faith in the world after spending even one minute with you, that’s impressive.”
“Get out, fucker.”
“I have a date tonight, anyway.” I place my hand on the door, then pause. I turn to him, and he’s staring at the ground. He’s smiling, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. He’s seemingly lost in the square tiles on the floor like they’re a puzzle. “You should tell her how you feel.”
His smile falls like it melted off and fell to the ground. He takes a step forward, and I imagine him crushing that smile beneath his Italian loafers. “I don’t know what you mean.”
I tilt my head. “Staci. Don’t wait until she moves away and fifteen years have gone by. You should tell her how you really feel before it’s too late.”
He grinds his teeth like he’s chewing on my words.
I leave him to his own thoughts and head to Clara’s for my own confession. I won’t let her go without a fight.
Using a key she gave me, I let myself into her house, ready to stand my ground and convince her I’m in this for the long haul. That it won’t always be easy, but I’ll do everything I can to make it work.
I find her in the kitchen. There’s no sign of Jacob, but he’s probably asleep since it’s past nine o’clock.
She turns to me, and I speak first. “I won’t lose you. I want to be with you because you make me forget the bad. You make me see the beauty in the world.” I hold her stare for a moment. “But my job is also important to me. I can’t put it on the backburner, and I can’t promise the hard days won’t get to me. But I’m sorry I took it out on you last night. You don’t deserve that.”
She bites her lip like she’s contemplating her next words.
My stomach lurches.
I hate that I don’t know what she’s going to say. I used to know her next sentence even before she did, but this is more new territory for us.
I take a tentative step forward. “You said it yourself—you want a new normal. We still haven’t figured it all out, but I want to. I want to make this work and move forward, but I want to do it together. What do you want?” I hold my breath.
She moves forward, her lips twitching with a watery smile. “I want that too,” she whispers. “I want you. I know it won’t be easy, and you’ll have to be patient with me too, but I want you.”
I exhale with a whoosh.
“But that’s not all we need to talk about.” She fidgets with her hands, making me hold my breath again. “Mitch didn’t want any more kids. It’s why we didn’t try again after Jacob. But I always wanted more. I want a girl I can play dress up with. Another boy to play sports with Jacob. I just want more kids, whether it’s one more or three, and I need to know you’re on the same page as me.”
I clutch my chest, feeling a heavy weight lifted. My smile spreads slowly, like the warm honey my mother used to put in tea. It used to soothe me,
