‘I don’t flatter myself that she was in love with me, but I do think she needed someone. And she’d decided, just as I was pulling away, that I was the answer. I didn’t know all of this when I told her. Some of this came out then and there and, anyway, the upshot was she accused me of betraying her. Of lying to her. Leading her on and all that. I actually told her that I felt she needed some help and I offered to pay for her to see someone, a therapist, for weekly sessions. Not as a pay-off. I genuinely thought she needed that. And I have the money.’
Becky waits patiently for Matthew to refill his glass. She is careful not to move and she bids her breath be shallow and soundless, as if she were hiding from someone, or something. She doesn’t want anything to distract Matthew from telling her these things: these facts or jigsaw pieces or whatever. She must drink them in and commit them to memory with all the concentration she can muster.
‘She came to the office to try and see me,’ he says. ‘And at that point I was quite concerned, if I’m honest. Here is this very unstable girl, telling me that I have left her hanging, without explanations. That I have made her depressed. That she worries she can’t act any more and it’s all because of how I have treated her. Quite difficult stuff. And I was really on the spot then. You know how many people we know who work near our office. Actress with mascara running down her face, shouting at a producer? We know how that looks. If I had put her in something then I could have at least said she was upset about being left on the cutting-room floor but … Anyway. I told her we’d make time and I knew that Antonia and the kids would be away for a night in the next week so I told her, Come to my house then and we’ll go over everything. I’ll hear what you have to say and I’ll try to help you. But it wasn’t going to be a resuming of play. Nothing like that. Would you like a top-up?’
‘No, thank you,’ she says. She is struggling to keep a clear head, what with the effort of listening and committing to memory and the worry of hearing things wrong. And the heat. Oh, the heat.
‘I think I might.’ Matthew returns to the cabinet and drains his glass before adding another splash then taking his seat again. ‘Amber came over and she seemed rather sanguine about everything. We agreed that we had had some good times together but that it could never have gone anywhere. I told her that I thought she needed more than I could offer and she actually agreed with that. I made us some food, we had some drinks. And, God, I just felt so relieved about the whole thing. I’d really worried she was going to turn out like some kind of crazy stalker, hounding me, but she was very charming. It was like she wasn’t trying so hard any more. So I thought, well, let’s try and help this girl.
‘And we sat on the sofa and we drank some more and talked about movies and how actresses build their careers and what kind of opportunities there are out there. It felt constructive. It turns out I actually do know one or two things about the business and I was happy to share them. I don’t know how much we ended up drinking and I couldn’t tell you how long we sat there for. And then she made a pass at me.
‘If you’re going to condemn me, and look, I condemn myself, then that was the moment to have some backbone and say, No, we’re not going to do that. Sit and talk, yes. But the rest is over with. And I protested a little but not very strongly. Now, I have to ask a very awkward question. Because I’m committed to being utterly honest with you here about what happened and what was in my head, but equally I don’t want to embarrass you with the grisly details, so would you rather I gloss over things or can I speak freely?’
‘Speak freely,’ she says, because what else could she say?
‘OK. Well, what happened was, she got onto my lap
