She is being watched by a face that is bigger and wider than she ever imagined. There is no specific twist or grimace or red-scaled skin. She is being watched by something that holds all skin colours and creeds and religions and there is absolute chaos in the universality, in the possibility of him being anyone. Of his having ebony eyes or snakeskin covering him or a long body or short legs or no hair, a waxy head, an inked head, one of those faces that can look at one moment awful in a photo and at another time beautiful. A son or father or brother or criminal.
He has become everyone.
There will be no more justice deferred to cling to; she has lost that today. The dock is empty. And yet Maisie lives.
Chapter 25
When she returns home, Adam is still in the clothes he slept in, his boxer shorts and a frayed Ramones T-shirt. ‘There you are!’ he says. ‘I thought you’d gone to work.’ He ruffles his hair, still bleary with the morning. ‘I’d have saved you some pancakes if I’d known. Maisie took the rest of them for her lunch. She’s gone in for a revision session thing.’ He pauses. ‘Hey, are you OK?’
She walks a few steps and collapses into him. He pulls her close to him, her ear to his chest. She can hear his heart beating.
‘What’s happened? Are you all right?’
Adam walks her through to the living room, his arm looped loosely and carefully around her waist. He sits her down on the sofa and drapes a tartan blanket around her shoulders, as if she has been in an explosion and is recovering on the kerbside. He kneels down opposite her and she follows his gaze as it checks her hairline, eyes, cheeks, ears, neck, shoulders for signs of damage and distress.
‘I’m not hurt,’ she says. ‘I went to see Scott this morning.’
Adam knows what this means. He is very still, listening to her.
‘I couldn’t take it any longer,’ Becky says. ‘I had to know why he did it. But he didn’t do it. It wasn’t him.’
‘How do you know that?’
‘He’s gay. And I could tell as soon as I got into it. For him it was just some party. He thought … Oh God, he thought I was angry because he tried to go to second base with me.’
‘What would have happened if he’d admitted it?’
‘I’d have had an answer.’
‘He might have wanted a relationship with Maisie. Did you think about that?’
‘I wasn’t thinking about that.’
‘Well, we have to. Imagine finding out your father was … someone who did that. It’d completely and utterly destroy her, Becks. I know this means a lot to you but we have to weigh these things.’
‘I know.’
‘Does he know about Maisie now?’
‘He won’t say anything. I know he won’t say anything. He’s a nice guy.’
‘What’s going on? I mean, confronting Scott?’ He holds her face in his hands.
‘I know, I know, I just wanted to know …’
‘After sixteen years, does it really matter? Like, enough to jeopardize everything else you’ve got? Look at your life. I know there’s been some shit, but there’s also you and me and Maisie. You’re making a film. You’re loved.’
‘Maybe it was that boyfriend of Mary’s. Brendan? He was always a bit weird with me, even when Mary was around.’
‘He’s been dead four years. You’re not going to get answers from him now, are you? I know it’s hard. I know it’s not fair. But if it’s a toss-up between letting one bad moment destroy the rest of your life, against trying to let it go?’
‘It didn’t happen to you.’
He takes his hands from her face and rests them lightly on her hands.
‘I could track down the people who were playing Spin the Bottle in that room,’ she says.
‘How would you even do that? Did you know who they all were at the time? And if Maisie ever found out. If she ever heard even a vague rumour …’
‘I know, I know. I know I can’t.’
Her breaths overlap and she is beginning the sky-high tumble into a terrible panic.
‘This is about Amber, isn’t it?’ he says.
‘Yes.’
‘Is it … what’s the word they use … “triggering”? Has it stirred stuff up? Because you were doing so well. You were off at Cannes, conquering the world.’
‘I had a panic attack on the beach, Adam.’
‘You were managing all right. Mostly. So what changed? And how do we get you some help so we can get you past it?’
‘I was the woman in the kitchen. At Matthew’s house. I went there to deliver a present. I was there. I saw them. I’m the person she asked to come forward, and I haven’t done that. And I think it’s a problem for me. I mean, I think I know it’s a problem for me.’
Adam sits back, taking his hands away from hers. He’s a smart guy. Becky can almost see him crunching this new information, trying to make the best plan for them.
‘This will be OK,’ he says.
‘What should I do?’
‘Can you be sure of what you saw?’
‘No.’
‘So you’re not much help to her as a witness. I don’t mean that nastily. I just mean in practical terms, in terms of a possible prosecution, you not coming forward wouldn’t change much. Given you’re not even sure what you saw.’
‘But she asked for that person to come forward.’
‘I know that. We’re just trying to weigh it all up, Becks. The other thing is, you’ve denied it was you,
