We didn’t say much on the way back to my apartment. Grim told me they’d snatched him coming out of the Academy library. His answers were brief, his thin shoulders hunched over. He seemed to be looking away from me. Like he was afraid I’d hit him.
I’m not my father, I told myself. I’m not my father. I’m not that monster.
Autonomy. It’s a classic human issue that’s been repeated ad nauseum by stormtech: how much are you to blame for your actions when you have non-human biotech manipulating every element of your behaviour? I’d seen it during the war, convicted Reapers blaming stormtech for their war crimes, including the torture of Harvesters. Denying all responsibility. Saying the drugs had morphed them into bloodthirsty, rabid dogs. It wasn’t until I’d been in the battlefields and mud pits and then the barracks afterwards that I fully understood how the stormtech ravages your thoughts, twists your body into something you’re scared to live in. I’d never known where my instincts and emotions ended, and where the borders of stormtech’s manipulation began.
I’d heard similar excuses before. Like when I was twelve and sprawled out on the floor, my body striped with belt lashes, warm piss trickling down my leg, my father standing over me. You provoked me. You brought this on yourself. It wasn’t me. It was never me.
I never imagined I’d one day be making these same excuses to a friend. Was the stormtech really turning men into monsters? Or was it just nurturing the evil rooted deep inside us all? Would the stormtech have killed Grim to survive, or would I?
When we got home, I got in the shower and set about cleaning out the fistfuls of sand caked under my armpits and thighs that had been grinding the whole walk home. The water turned muddy around my feet, layers of grit and grime and blood washing away. The stormtech was livid now. The bands thicker, the colour brighter, the movements faster. I traced a ripple of them down my bruised ribs with scarred fingers. It was hot to the touch. I felt it knocking and jarring against my bones, hungry for more.
What had I been opened up to?
I shut the shower off and rested my head on the fogged-up glass. Breathed in the steam. I had this under control. I had this under control. I hadn’t killed Grim. I hadn’t ploughed into the audience.
I so easily could have.
I heard footsteps as Kowalski arrived and guessed I’d better face the music.
‘Are you okay?’ she asked. ‘Are you hurt?’ She placed her hand on my shoulder. ‘Do you need autosurgery?’
‘I’ll live,’ I said.
‘Just as well.’ Katherine leaned against the wall and crossed her arms. Weirdly, I felt guilty for rebuffing her question of concern. ‘You’d better explain.’
I did. And by the time I was done she looked ready to throttle me. Probably would have if Grim hadn’t been there.
‘When you agreed to work with Harmony,’ she said slowly, each word carefully measured, ‘what part of our agreement did you not understand?’
‘I never agreed to work as a team,’ I said.
‘You really don’t understand, do you?’
‘I didn’t have a choice—’ I started before she cut me off.
‘No. You could have contacted me at any time. Before you stormed their hideout, before you started your book hunt. Before you went to the Collective and got yourself get captured. I trusted you, Vakov.’ In a flash, I saw the disappointment beneath her fury. Disappointment not just in what had happened, but in me. ‘I trusted you enough to give you the space you insisted you needed, and you threw it in my face. After you promised we’d investigate this together.’ She poked me hard in the chest and began pacing around me, making no attempt to hold back her anger. ‘Your heroic stunts might have worked in the Reaper War, but they don’t work here.’
‘Because Harmony’s been making such great progress,’ I said. ‘You don’t even know what’s been going on. These aren’t petty stormdealers looking to make an extra buck. This is a cult, Kowalski. Crazy zealots determined to find the Shenoi, murdering Reapers to burn your credibility into the ground.’
‘But you still disobeyed us. There’s a chain of command, Vakov. I’d think a Reaper would get that. We follow procedure to get things done.’ She blinked heavily and I saw her exhaustion in her eyes. This was the last conversation she wanted to have. ‘And procedure sure as hell doesn’t land you in an arena about to kill your best friend.’
I knew she had a point. But my body was still livid from the fight and I wasn’t in any frame of mind to back down. ‘You wanted answers. You got them. We know Sokolav’s alive, and we know who we’re dealing with. Or would you rather not know, and let them continue playing you?’
‘Discretion, Vakov. Discretion. They know we’re onto them now. It’s not a matter of dragging them out onto the streets; we have to build a case in order to tear them out by the roots. Do you know how we found you? Remember Hausk? That fellow we captured at the Suns’ compound, down in the Warren, told us they operate in the Pits. The moment our backs were turned, he slit his wrists on the edge of his chair.’ She looked me straight in the eye. ‘We work together, or we’re going to lose.’
‘What makes you think Vakov wants your help?’ Grim had been silent this entire debate. Now he was by my side, his fingers clenching into a tight fist. ‘He cares about saving his brother. He’s had enough help from the likes of you.’
‘Since when are we the enemy here?’ Kowalski actually recoiled, as if she couldn’t believe he was speaking. ‘He agreed to help on our terms, not the
