I know what she means. “How is your mother? I had asked Marco awhile back and he said she was doing okay?”
Ruby’s bright expression dims and I feel bad for being the one to do that, even though I’ve felt myself slipping toward the dark ever since I left the bed.
Left the ghosts of what we were behind in my bedroom.
“She’s okay,” she says carefully. “If you can call being an addict in prison okay.”
“I’m sorry I asked.”
She shakes her head and gives me a quick smile. “Don’t be. I mean it. I don’t like to talk about her, but I don’t mind talking about her with you.”
“When your time is up in Barcelona, then where are you going? Are you going back home?”
I realize there’s still so much that I don’t know. I guess our bodies don’t tell each other everything.
Her shoulders lift. “I don’t know. I really don’t. I have the return ticket that I can use at any time but…who knows. I guess it depends on what happens in Barcelona. Maybe I can stay and make money and fuck the Schengen Visa.”
“That’s a dangerous game, Ruby.”
She rolls her eyes. “You don’t have to go all adult on me. I know that. But maybe it’s worth the danger.”
But in that case…staying here, with me, would be worth the danger?
Wouldn’t it be?
I shake that out of my head.
This is her life, it’s not based on what I want in mine.
“Anyway,” she says, taking a long sip of her coffee. “Maybe I’ll end up going home. Maybe I’ll get enough money to leave for a non-EU country and work there. I guess that’s the beauty of it, isn’t it? The sky is the limit. There’s nothing but unknowns. That’s kind of freeing, don’t you think?”
Sometimes I forget that she’s only twenty-two. That she’s fresh out of school. That she’s never traveled or been on her own before. This is her first chance to discover herself and I’m not about to judge her or get in her way.
I owe her that much.
“You’re going to thrive,” I tell her.
That brings a wide, genuine smile to her face. “You know what? I think I’ll thrive too.”
She glances at the clock on the microwave and makes a face. “But I won’t be thriving if I don’t get ready now. I’m running out of time.”
She takes a hurried sip of her coffee and sets the mug down. She quickly picks her lingerie and clothes off the floor, then scampers off toward the bedroom, her towel falling away at the last minute, giving me one last look at her body.
One last look.
I lean against the counter, trying to be okay with this, trying to focus on what she wants, but it’s not long before she’s coming back in the kitchen, dressed and ready to go.
“Okay, so I guess this is it.”
No.
It’s too soon.
“I’ll drive you to the airport,” I tell her.
She shakes her head, her expression wrought. “I’m not good at goodbyes.”
“No one is.”
“It will just…make things harder for me. I’m fine. I’m catching the airport bus. But I have to go soon. Like, now.”
“Let me at least drive you to the hostel.”
“I want to walk,” she says, her tone insistent. “I want to walk through Lisbon one last time. I need to say goodbye to this place too. I think this city has meant more to me than I realized.”
That I can understand.
And yet I can’t wrap my head around this being the end.
This.
I want to grab hold of the moment and make time bend to my will.
But I can’t.
She’s so young and she’s not yours anymore.
It was only for the night.
It was only so that the two of you could finally give in and see what you’d been missing.
Now you know what you were missing.
And you have to let her go.
I have to let her go.
“I’m going to miss you,” I tell her, my throat feeling thick, a pinch in my chest that I try to ignore, but fuck does it hurt.
“I’m going to miss you too,” she says softly. She stands on her tip toes and places a kiss on my nose.
And just like that, this is what we are now. One minute I’ve got my cock crammed so deep inside her that I’m seeing stars, the next she’s kissing me on the nose, telling me she’ll miss me.
Walking out of my life for good.
“Keep in touch, okay?” she says, giving me a sweet smile before turning to the door. Her hand goes on the handle and she hesitates for a moment before turning it.
Turn around.
Please.
Tell me you’ll stay.
We can make it work.
But both of us know that last part isn’t true. She was just dating Marco. There is no way that we would ever work now, not without bringing hell into our lives.
“Goodbye Ruby,” I manage to say. I can hear the pain in my voice.
She nods, still not looking at me.
“Goodbye, Luciano.”
Her hand turns the handle and the door opens. She steps out, eyes catching mine for a second before it closes.
And in that second I saw the future I could have had with her.
I think she saw it too.
I sigh and rest my head against the cool steel of the refrigerator, trying to breathe, trying to ignore the pain in my heart.
I suppose in the end, her leaving was for the best.
She probably saved the both of us by doing so.
She would have at least saved me from utter destruction.
Ruin.
And heartache.
She saved me from falling in love with her.
Part Two
Lisbon, Portugal Two Years Later
“If you spin your love around
The secrets of your dreams
You may find your love is gone
And is not quite what it seemed”
- “Thru the Eyes of Ruby” Smashing Pumpkins
Twelve
Luciano
I remember the first football match I ever helped win, the one where I scored the winning goal. I was young, I think eight years old, and on the team at
