Of course, I don’t know where I’m going. I’m just wandering around in the heat with blurry vision, stumbling across the cobblestones, and I’m reminded of something I said to him once, that if we’re all lost and stumbling, I wanted to be lost and stumbling with him.
Suddenly I feel a hand at my arm, pulling me to a stop with a strong grip.
“What’s happening?” Luciano yells at me, turning me around to face him. “Why are you running again?”
I look around, my hands at my mouth, shaking. We’re in the middle of the small square, some people staring at us as they pass by.
“Ruby,” he repeats.
I just shake my head, the tears spilling down my cheeks.
Shit.
Shit.
I try to turn away, to look away, but now he’s grabbing my other arm, pulling me around so I have to face him. “Ruby. Ruby. I’m sorry. Okay? I didn’t mean to say that.”
I know he meant to say it. The worst part is that I can’t blame him.
“I know how it feels,” I manage to say, my words thick with tears. “I know how it feels.”
“Do you? I spent years wondering what happened to you, years worried about you,” he says, nearly yelling now. “Why can’t you just be honest with me?”
“Why does it matter?”
He processes that, eyes blinking hard. “It matters, okay?”
“What do you want from me?”
“What do you want from me?”
“I just wanted an interview,” I say meekly.
He lets go of my arms all at once. “That’s it? Just an interview?”
I shake my head.
Because the lies are wearing me down.
“I wanted to see you.”
“Oh you did? So, you thought dating my brother would be the way to go about that. Again.”
“It’s not serious. I haven’t even slept with him.”
“You’re planning on it.”
I give Luciano a look. “He’s supposed to get me closer to you. I just thought a few dates would be…easy. I need a friend, okay?”
“That safe fucking bet again, huh?” I can tell he wants to say something else, but he swallows it down, his jaw clenched.
“Well I knew you hated me!”
“How can I not?” he yells, arms going out. “You broke my fucking heart, Ruby! I fell in love with you. I was in love with you and you tore it all to pieces!”
My hands go to my chest, as if to keep in my own heart.
I didn’t know.
How could I have known?
“Luciano,” I whisper, my words broken and bare. I try to reach for him, but he shrugs out of my grasp.
“This was a mistake,” he says, hands going into his hair. “Meeting with you was a mistake. I knew it. I knew I was setting myself up for a big dose of mindfuckery, or however you say it.”
I stare at him, numb.
“I didn’t know you loved me,” I say softly, my heart making leaps and bounds inside my chest. It wants to soar. It wants to soar so high.
“What difference would that have made, huh?” he says, turning his back to me.
Maybe it would have. Maybe I would have made the right choice, knowing I had his love. But I can’t say that. I can’t put the blame on him, as if his admittance would have changed our fate.
I clear my throat. Take the plunge. “What if I told you that I loved you?”
He stops moving. His hands come off from his head. Slowly looks over his shoulder to look at me, his expression torn. “Why would you even tell me that now?” he cries out softly.
“Because you deserve to know the truth.”
He looks up at the sky, shaking his head. “So much talk of the truth, such little truth to be seen.”
“I loved you,” I whisper. “That’s my truth.”
He whips around, his face crumbling. “How could that be true when you left me?!” he booms, words breaking into shards as he slams his fist into his chest. “You left me! How could you say you were in love with me and do that?! Tell me how! Tell me why!”
“He made me!” I scream, the truth ripping right out of me before I have a chance to put it back. “Your stepfather made me!”
Luciano’s face pales like I’ve just slapped him.
His mouth opens. He blinks.
“What?” he manages to say, his voice hoarse.
I close my eyes, breathing in deep.
It’s time. Now it’s time. Let this burden go.
When I open my eyes again, Luciano looks a little unsteady on his feet, his gaze locked to mine, holding me in place.
“Your stepfather made me leave you,” I say through a ragged breath. “He was at the game. I ran into him. I…I did something really fucking stupid. Really stupid.” I press my fingers at my temple as if that will rewind it all. “I fucked up. I saw him and I was so mad, I was so goddamn mad over what he said to you, how he treated you, that he called me a whore I…”
I trail off, swallow the tears in my throat. My heart is thumping so hard I can feel it in my eyes.
“Ruby,” he whispers. “What did you do?”
I moan, my face in my hands. This is the part where I realize it was all my fault all along.
“I threw a beer in his face.”
“What!?”
My hands fall away. I stare at the bewildered expression on his face, the line between his brows becoming a chasm. “I threw two beers in his face and told him what an asshole he was. I couldn’t help it. I hated him so so much. Then I ran away. I ran back up into the stands to be with Elena and then we left early. We left the game early hoping to get out, just in case he was waiting for me, just in case he called the police or something.”
Luciano looks absolutely
