I jumped my attention to Clay’s face. Which—again, to my point—was not beautiful nor fierce according to my brain, despite how many other parts of my body disagreed. The realization that I had begun treating my guys much the same way my mom had been treating me destroyed me.
The rage of emotions consumed me, overwhelmed me, and physically knocked me back. I stumbled and grabbed the chair behind me to keep me upright. “Oh my God. Oh my God! I’ve turned into my mom!”
“Mirror, mirror on the wall, we are our parents after all.”
I turned to the mirror, watching as the expression slowly melted from my face, followed by my color. When my mouth fell open, a little squeak escaped. What did you say when you wanted to apologize for everything you’d done since the day you’d first met someone? Sorry wasn’t enough.
“Is everything okay?” Clay stepped into the reflection and rested his hands on my shoulders. “Montana?”
“No,” I said quietly, my tone flat. This was the proverbial straw in my armor. Was that the saying? “Everything is not okay. I’m not okay. The way I’ve been acting… The way I’ve been treating you guys.” I dropped my head. “It’s not okay.”
“Look at me.” He waited until I did through the mirror. His beautiful green eyes pulled me in. His dazzling smile held me captive. He moved in, resting us cheek to cheek, and gently tickled my face with his beard. Chills danced across my skin. “I’m all in. All of us are all in. So, you’ve been a little distracted lately. It’s not like you’re out saving the world or anything.”
I laughed through the defeat crushing me and making it hard to breathe.
“How about we do a little exercise?”
“Exercise?” I wasn’t the type to wiggle into workout clothes and go bouncing around a gym. My workouts were more along the lines of training for the next attack. “Like jumping jacks?”
“No. Not physical exercise. Mental.”
If he was about to give me a pop quiz, I’d set the damn test on fire.
“Let go.”
I cocked my head to the side, frowning. “Huh?”
“You’ve got serious Mommy issues, Montana. Don’t look at me like that. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. That baggage, along with all the other things going on inside that beautiful head of yours that’s holding you back from being the prophecy I fell in love with… Let that shit go. Your mom is back, which is great. That doesn’t mean you have to change who you are to force a relationship with her. You are Katy fucking Reed, and you have zero fucks to give about the stuff out of your control.”
When I didn’t react to his pep talk, he turned me in his arms and pulled our bodies together, teasing me by biting at my lips without fully kissing me. “Say it with me. Zero. Fucks.”
I pulled back and searched his gaze. “You want me to say what?”
“Zero fucks. Come on, say it with me. Zero fucks.”
“Is this what you do? You blow off anything serious by convincing yourself you have zero fucks to give?”
He bit at my lips again. Instinctively, I bit his right back. He chuckled and sucked my lower lip between his teeth. “Zero fucks, Montana.” Nibble, nibble. “That’s how many fucks you have to give about everything else. Do you care that you and your mom aren’t besties?”
“Well, yes.”
“No,” he countered. “You already have besties. You have four besties. That’s three more than most people can say they have. She’s your mom, not your friend.”
“Can’t she be both?”
“Is she? If you two weren’t related, would you be friends with her?”
I didn’t want to admit it out loud, though I was pretty sure the truth had already settled into my expression. The short answer? No. The longer answer would require therapy and years of unraveling my Mommy issues.
Clay was right. I needed to let this shit go. If I didn’t, if I allowed the doubt and anxiety to continue to rule my thoughts, it would eventually consume me. I had enough on my plate. I didn’t need to invite more things to stress over into my life. Samantha Reed was my mother, and I was beyond thrilled she wasn’t dead. Maybe we’d eventually become friends again. Maybe not. But I couldn’t let the fear of her disapproval drive my actions.
There was still that other thing nagging me, distracting me from enjoying the moment. “What about the ward?”
“It will still be there in an hour.”
“But Cressida—”
“Will still be there as well,” he cut me off, trailing soft kisses along my neck. My skin peppered with goose bumps that tickled my scalp. “One hour, Montana. You don’t need to be on every second of every day. Let yourself go. One hour of zero fucks to give. That’s all I ask.”
It was wildly inappropriate for me to stop my search of the counter ward for a booty call, and it didn’t surprise me that Clay blew it off because that was what he did, but if I didn’t get a handle on my control, the instant I got anywhere near the barrier, my hand would light up like a Christmas tree. Clay was right. I needed to let go, if only temporarily.
“Zero fucks,” I said with conviction.
“That’s my girl.” He pulled back, and I caught that wicked glimmer in his green gaze, now darkening with the same hunger I had to have in my eyes.
It was so freeing to focus on something other than the doom and gloom I called my life. With a teasing smile, I purred, “I actually do have one fuck to give.”
I launched myself at him, the momentum propelling us backward.
