She’s asking the cameraman. It’s him who is in control.
Archer might have taken advantage of my sister — there were countless movies of her and him in the shed — but the man behind the camera had started the abuse. He was the one to rape my sister when she was just thirteen.
I stop the movie.
I don’t need to see the face of the cameraman. I know who he is.
The room is silent, except for the beating of my heart. I look at the empty screen, feeling my sister’s pain. Chills, like a hundred spiders, crawl up my spine. I swallow away the bile scorching my throat.
I stare off into the darkness, blood whooshing in my ears, fighting off a panic attack.
Dig deep . . .
I pick up the Black Magic Box and take out another DVD. A familiar face of a sad little teenage girl stares blankly up at me.
Please don’t hate me, Shepherd. I’d die without you.
When you’re silent for so long, you lose your voice. But I can’t keep quiet anymore.
Memories where the lights went out, are now turning back on.
47
YOU
My eyes are like two thick raindrops. I manage to type a message and send it to Shepherd.
Can I come over? A
Door’s open, S
I remember the look on Shepherd’s face the last time he came to my room. How his eyes had been bottomless with hunger when he said, ‘Can't keep my promise, Amy.’
Unchecked. Unnoticed. Purely animal.
‘Hello . . . ?’ I say. I go inside his room. My ballet shoes sound like the light patter of rain on the hardwood.
He’s there in the dimly lit space, sitting at the table with his laptop in front of him.
‘This is a surprise.’ He doesn’t look surprised. He looks dangerous and it only softens a little smile. ‘You want some ice cream?’
‘You — have more ice cream?’
‘Got more in for you.’
Feeling his gaze on me, I say, ‘I'm not hungry,’ too nervous to be. My body sticky and hot.
‘So,’ he says when I go quiet for a moment. ‘You decide you don't hate me that much?’
‘I just wanted to see you.’
‘That wasn't really the question, was it? Sit down, Amy. We can't have a conversation with you standing there looking like you plan to run away.’
It startles me, to be caught out doing what I haven’t even realised I’m doing. I stand at the doorway, my back against the frame, my hands tight at my sides. Prepared for fight or flight. With three careful steps, I approach the table. I pull out the chair opposite him and sit down. Even then, I stay at the edge of the seat.
‘You still scared of me?’ he says.
Tell him, Amy. Tell him!
Dark whispers smother my head.
Let the monsters out . . .
I slam the door on them. Look down at my lap.
‘I still have things to lose,’ I say.
His eyes are all pupil. ‘I said, are you scared of me?’
I close my eyes for a moment. I cram a mental fist in my mouth to stop from screaming. Hurtful tears threaten to leak down my cheeks.
I just hurt so much.
I open my eyes and stare into the black void that is dark as a grave.
‘No I’m not.’
‘After all the things I've done to you?’
There are worse monsters to be afraid of . . .
‘You’ve helped me, Shepherd. That’s what you’ve done.’
‘I know. It's probably a good thing you don't love me as much as I love you, but how much do you hate me?’ He speaks in a quiet but calm voice, as though he says, ‘I love you,’ on a regular basis. I’m sure he’s never said it before.
‘Not as much as you want. You anger me sometimes, but not enough to want you dead. Most of the time.’
He roars with laughter, jarring the table. It makes me jump in my skin.
‘You said it. They're not opposites,’ I say. I’m practically stuck to my seat. I look up at him. ‘Sometimes they're so close together it scares me.’
He walks around the table to my chair. Stands behind me, not speaking. I put my hand on the edge of the table to steady myself, to stand, listening to his breathing. Going faster, heavy on the inhale. Smelling me.
I can feel his heart beating through his black shirt. I want to sink down again into him.
‘I'm glad you came here, but you need to go, Amy. Right now.’ Voice a low rumble, he says, ‘You know what I think about, Amy? I think about how the next time you won't come into my room to see me, I can walk into your room and carry you to your bed. I can rip your dress off, throw you down on the carpet and fuck you until you're screaming, begging for me to stop. Hell, I can keep you in my bed and fuck you for days.
‘That's why I don't come to see you anymore, because it's just a matter of time before I break my promise to leave you alone. There's no way I can keep that promise forever, but tonight, it's still under control. So you better leave. While you can.’
My heart caves in. I’m struck blind. ‘I want to stay.’
I want to stay and tell him the truth, but what does this mean for us? It means I’m further away from him . . .
I’m caught between a rock and a hard place.
I look at those black diamonds that’s his eyes. He’s so handsome that the truth is ready to spill out on the tip of my tongue. Shepherd, the
