Then I’m back to being afraid. Because it’s set in stone. I can’t breathe without him. And that scares me to death.
The lies, the secrets . . . I’m scared it’ll be me who destroys his heart.
48
ME
Don’t want to hurt you, Amy. Wish I could turn you into a princess and hell, magic you happiness.
It seems a cruel realisation. It seems stupid. It seems impossible. How am I supposed to make Amy happy when I don’t understand the meaning of the word?
I’m sure there’s more to it, but the closest I’ve felt to happy is being inside Amy or on top of her or fuck, just next to her, with my arms around her, with her lullaby echoing in my ears.
I don’t know how to say it, don’t know how to explain this epiphany I’ve got — and . . . I just want something, to give her something. The pain in her voice, I understand. It’s the same pain I feel when she’s gone, the same pain I feel when I realise how woefully inadequate a fucking human being I am and how Amy deserves better. But goddamn it, all I want is to make her happy. But I don’t know how. I just don’t know how.
I look at my princess. She’s a scared little rabbit. Hell, she needs to get that I’ll always protect her. She never has to be afraid of me.
Fuck, don’t doubt me, Amylocks.
I’ll make sure Amy knows with the certainty that the moon will orbit the fucking Earth, that I’d put a bullet in my own head just to save her, wrangle her from the grip of the Devil, and beat the fuck out of myself for having left her in the woods to fend for herself.
When she lifts herself up from the bed, she gets dressed quickly and then tries to leave my bedroom.
I’m losing her . . .
Why did I have to fucking lie to her?!
Amy is always running. Always hiding. But fuck if there’s anywhere I can’t follow her.
I grip her wrist, tug her into me, and wrap my other arm around her.
‘Amy, baby, don’t hate me — not now. It’s what I wanted, but hell, it’s the last thing I want.’
I want to possess every inch of you.
‘The truth is,’ I say, ‘the truth is I feel too much when I’m with you.’
Looking at her sets a feeling on fire inside me against the darkness. I kiss her for it.
‘Did you lie about loving me, once upon a time?’ My voice is guttural, raw. ‘Was it a lie, Amy? Because I need you to love me again.’
I smell lemon drops.
The smell is everything I breathe.
‘It wasn’t a lie,’ Amy says breathless.
‘I will never hurt you,’ I whisper against the swell of her cheek.
I kiss her hard, her tits flat against my chest. I try to wrap her body around mine and hold onto her, forever.
‘I want you so badly, Amy, it fucking hurts,’ I say against her lips. I gasp, taking my mouth from hers long enough to unbutton her dress all the way down. I bend my head to kiss her tits, letting my body crash against hers. We both hit the wall with a thud as I jam the hard shape of my cock into the softness of her belly with a primal groan.
I feel her shuddering against me as my hand slips between us in a rush to undo my belt and fly. I don’t bother to take off my trousers or my boots. My heart is pounding as hard and fast as hers is. This will happen fast, and I want it fast.
I’m impatient, crazed with the need for another fix. My fingers grind against the cotton of her panties as my tongue invades her mouth, my other hand pinching her nipple through the lace of her bra. My entire body is stiff with want. Every muscle tight as our mouths twist against each other’s. Biting kisses between grunts and groans, until finally I crook a finger between her legs and yank the crotch of her panties to one side.
Amy moans my name when she feels the rounded head of my cock slide up through her wet slit, over her plump clit, and my body jolts as the sparks fly inside me.
Amy squirms between my body and the wall, unable to keep still, her body begging mine to make her whole.
Just knowing how she tastes and feels under my tongue makes the head of my cock weep with pre-cum, and I feel my balls tighten.
I can’t wait any longer. I grip my cock and move it down towards her slick pussy, pausing abruptly. I take her under the chin with my other hand, lifting her head and making her open her heated eyes and look at me.
‘Don’t hate me, baby girl.’ I am so out of breath, it’s a whisper. Every nerve ending in me crying out for gratification and cursing myself for delaying it to demand such a stupid thing.
She looks at me. ‘I can’t ever hate you, Shepherd.’
‘I love you, Amy,’ I whisper, as my mouth crashes over hers again, kissing her fiercely as I plunge the head of my cock into her with a sudden and vicious drive I know she’s wet enough to take.
I’m too wide for her tight pussy, but I always make her fit me. Her body takes to my shape and size so well, it’s like she’s custom made for me, and only me.
I fuck her there, against the bedroom wall. She keeps moaning and shuddering, so when each inch of my length slides inside her, it all unravels something in me that I can’t name. But I live for it. Live
