‘Why me?’ I say.
‘Why you what?’
‘You can have any girl. You’re wealthy, handsome. Beautiful, really.’ It’s sheer nerves, terror on speed, that fuels the dangerous things I say in these moments. ‘Why . . . why did you come back for me?’
I am not special. I am not anything. I’m the poisonous rotten apple — not the princess.
‘Why you, huh? The answer to that would fill a book.’
He presses against me, hard and unrelenting, digging his fingers into my arms. I’m afraid to look at the only light source available — his dark moonlit eyes.
My forehead against his, I say, ‘Why, Shepherd? What is it about me that makes you think I’m worth all this trouble and pain? Most people would have run off by now. Why do you stay?’
‘Because I’m in love with you.’ He says it without pause or thought, like it’s second nature to say it. A thousand butterflies explode inside my tummy and turn into shooting stars. ‘Because the second I set my eyes on you, the world told me it was wrong. Still keeps telling me these feelings I’ve got for you are wrong — twisted. And the sick bastard that I am, well, that just sucks me right in to you like a fucking blackhole. I know you love me back, Amy. I heard it. Burnt it into my soul. You said it. And you can’t ever take it back.’
Shepherd was never good. I know that. He wasn't a good person even when I was a little girl, even though he took care of me for a while. He would have hurt me eventually and probably enjoyed it, but I don't think he was born a monster. He was just an animal until the gang showed him how to be a bad, scary beast. Showed him what he could do. He wouldn't have gone to prison, wouldn't have come back the way he is, but they helped him do it. And now, now he's just my monster. And he’s everyone else's enemy.
I love him.
But will he still love me?
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I turn my head to the side so he can’t see this love burning in my eyes. He grips my chin and tugs it back, forcing me to look at him.
‘Haven’t I fucked the truth into you?’
‘I’m scared.’
‘Amy, wake up and see what I am. Darkness to fight your darkness. Evil to fight your evil. I’m all darkness, all evil, and I did what I did all those years ago to protect you. I did that. So here I am, your evil, your darkness. Now that you have me, you need to get used to the idea.’
Lies tear us apart, and the truth gets lost in the hurt.
‘I love you, Amy. It started when I was nine. The second you said Hello, I fell in love with you. Now every time you say Hello, I fall in love with you all over again. I know I’ve hurt you — I still hurt you. Lying and hurting are my ways. I’m a monster, not a gentleman. I’m the fucking dragon not the hero. But I’m your evil who’ll fight evil for you, so you need to quit locking me out. I’m not going anywhere. Whatever it takes, Amy, baby, whatever it takes to save you, I’ll do it.’
He isn’t the knight in shining armour. He is the wicked dragon determined to blow fire into the darkest corner of my world. And he will either save me, or turn me to ashes.
‘I forgive you for lying, Shepherd,’ I whisper into the darkness.
I forgive you because my lie is the biggest lie of them all.
I will tell him. Just not yet. There’s something I need to do first.
It isn’t that I doubt him, it isn’t that I won’t — it’s that I can’t doubt him. Not anymore. Can’t because if I doubt Shepherd then my heart will die. Then I may as well live my life in a cage, the one in which I go mad from all the checks that keep me locked up. Because if Shepherd, the man who’s teaching me to become the girl I wish to be, would willingly destroy our future to get revenge . . . then this love we keep is a lie.
I let my head fall against his chest. He wraps his big arms around, cocoons me. I feel the whole weight of his body press into me. His strong arms are like armour against the pain I’ve kept locked inside my damaged heart. Then I start to sob and shake, and I feel sad for Elizabeth, again. For all the other girls.
I breathe Shepherd in, addicted to his toxic love, the protective scent of nicotine and musk overpowering the sickly stench of horror. I breathe him in, and try to lock it in my heart.
I’m at breaking point, Shepherd. The time is up. The jury’s out. It’s time to move my feet.
I’ve been a fool, unloving you. You’ve been the brave one. The heart on my sleeve. And I’ve been the hard one. So hard to please.
Please don’t give up on me.
51
YOU
I’M WEARING MY WARMEST clothes — my swallow jumper and a padded jacket, with Shepherd’s white T-shirt underneath — but still the air nips, and my shoes are quickly sodden from the slushy grass.
The
