There’s a fine line between love and madness. I don’t expect the world to get it. Shepherd did the cruel things he did because he wanted me for himself. He needed me to be his. Who doesn’t want to be loved that much? So madly. So passionately. That they’ll risk everything.
We swim naked. The Norwegians on the rocky beach pay us no mind. Their children scoop glass jellyfish from the water and arrange them in geometric shapes upon the rocks.
We swim out beyond the beach to where a line of yellow buoys mark the end of the safe area. We tread water, kiss.
Shepherd vanishes below the surface. I feel the water eddying from his body as he kicks downwards, see his solid shape slip out of view.
Shepherd reappears beside me. ’Swim down with me, Amy. Don’t want my mermaid princess to miss all the whiz-bang. All the shock and awe, baby.’
‘Under the water? Do I need to keep my eyes open?’
‘It’s salty, but yeah, you need to keep your eyes open. Come on. Don’t be afraid of the dark.’ And he vanishes again into the blue.
I take two deep breaths, then follow him down, find him shadow clinging to the chain that tethers the nearest buoy. I swim to him. Sudden shock of white against clear-green water. The salt stings my eyes, and the water distorts Shepherd — all dark eyes and ink, his body far away.
I sometimes contemplate his tattoos. The basket, the mermaid. What they meant when he got them, and what they mean now — but he’s never said and I’ve never asked. Some things never change.
He points up and around, and for a moment together we watch the sunlight twinkling through the green. Then I look back down. I see his chest pass my face, then the shock of his cock, and he is gone. I look up and see him silhouetted at the surface, darkly handsome in the light.
I let go of the chain. The water swooshes me up like magic.
‘Kinda transcendent, eh?’ Shepherd says.
‘Kind of magical. Do you think Max loves it here?’
I promise with all my heart, Daisy, I will love Max like my own son. Shepherd and I will protect him from the monsters. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you from yours. I hope you’ve found happiness in that perfect place up above the sky. You’re not dead, not to me or to Max. You’ve just walked on ahead of us. Rest in peace, little Daisy.
Shepherd must see the pain in my eyes, and so he kisses me. ‘Max is gonna smash life here, baby. I’m gonna make sure of it.’
When I was nine, I made a happiness machine. I look at Shepherd. I look at his eyes lit up like a star. I think the happiness machine wasn’t broken, after all.
He turns over in the water, and slips away from me. I breathe in and follow him under the blue.
I find him at the same place on the chain. We bring our faces close to each other and kiss. Bubbles leak from the side of Shepherd’s mouth. He pulls himself down the chain, kicking with his feet. Then he isn’t there.
I don’t panic.
I follow him on down the chain, hand over hand.
Sharp bolts of cold water to breasts, face and body. Everything mud-dark. Everything winter. Keep calm, I think, you must keep calm. I look up and can’t see the surface.
I can’t see what is right in front me.
And then I remember.
The night Shepherd confronted his father, we went straight to the police station. My father was arrested. He pleaded guilty to historical child abuse. My DNA proved it. I was the result of his rape of Elizabeth. He also pleaded guilty to attacking her. He is in prison now, and will be for life.
The Wedding Day film was one of my father’s own creations. He was the cameraman.
As for the woman who I thought was my mother, I won’t mourn her death. I still don’t understand why she would protect her husband before her own child.
I had no idea how close I’d been. The trips to Pleasurepark, the gift of the camera. But somewhere inside, I must have sensed what was happening. I think it was the reason my mind got broken. The never-ending checks were my way to distract myself from the horrifying truth.
I pull myself farther down the chain. Calm hand over calm hand. You cannot breathe deeply because you cannot breathe, but you can keep calm. Shepherd is there. He is there, and he will protect you.
Darkness to fight your darkness. Evil to fight your evil.
My hand finds his hand before I can see him, an edgeless form in the darkness. I bring my face very close to his, find the outline of his eyes and read in them that all is perfect. He smiles, draws his fingers to my face, kisses me.
I hold him very tight for a moment and he wraps a leg around mine. Then I feel him uncurl from me. His shadow passes and vanishes.
The sounds: metal chainlinks tightening. Distant cracks and clicks. An alien pressure against my eardrum. A wave, I think. Is that what a wave sounds like this far under?
I let go of the chain. I’m light, I have no up, no down. For a moment I wonder, should I kick? Keep calm, I think, you must keep calm in the dark.
Then the pressure against my eardrums lessens, and the coldness of the dark water is below me. I see again the sun through the surface. The light. There is Shepherd too, and then there’s me, my head above the water, breathing again, smiling again.
We sit naked on the rocks, drying
