The tears still run down my face in rivers of pain, but I to take my first deep breath since I got off the phone.
He has always been able to do this for me—calm me down, console me when no one else in my life was able to keep me from completely losing myself. I press my eyes close, causing more tears to fall, and drop my forehead to his. I stand there for a minute, soaking up the feeling of security.
And I know how weird this sounds, relying on an animal like this, but ever since I can remember, when I needed to leave whatever situation was happening in my home, I’d come to see him. He was my refuge, the one place I knew my mother wouldn’t bother to come look for me. I was at peace surrounded by horses. And Whisky has always been able to read me as well as I learned to read him. He knows when I’m upset. He was the only one who ever listened, even if he never understood a word I said.
I straighten and try to wipe away my tears before I open the stall door and slip inside, securing it behind me. As soon as I turn around, Whisky is in front of me, patiently waiting for me to do what I unconsciously knew I needed in my father’s guest bedroom.
I drop my head as I walk toward him and lean against his shoulder. I softly stroke his side with my hand not in the sling. I bury my face in his neck, the tears continue to slowly drench it. With his warmth surrounding me, I stop trying to hold back the sorrow. I cry for the loss of my childhood, the love I’ll never receive from my parents, the hope I’ve had left in my heart that one day I’ll find a place I truly belong.
“I don’t know how much longer I can do this,” I whisper, knowing no one but the horses can hear me. “Deep down I thought coming here would give me a second chance with him, but what if Veronika is right? What if the only reason I’m here is because he gets something out of it? Am I that horrible neither one of them is able to love me?”
I sniff, trying to get the words out through my closing throat when Whisky’s head drops, and his warmth surrounds me fully. Knowing it’s a horse showing me this kind of compassion instead of either of my parents makes me cry even harder.
“I don’t understand. I tried to be better, leave all the childish antics I used to get his attention behind me. I tried to become a good person who doesn’t let the opinion of others define her actions. And still, nothing. Why does my family hate me so much?
“I know I’ve done all of this to myself,” I keep whispering. “I should have fought her back then and not let everyone believe I was the one driving. But you know how she gets. By the time I was conscious she’s already told the lie to everyone who’d listen. What was I supposed to do? No one was going to believe me anyway. And now everyone here thinks I’m reckless enough to endanger the lives of others. I never stood a chance to show them the real me before they formed their opinions.”
I press deeper into the only living being in this place to offer me comfort and ramble on. I can’t seem to stop myself—all the ugly, the hateful, the vulnerability inside of me spilling to the one who’ll listen without judgment.
“They all hate me. And why wouldn’t they? I was a horrible child. I was everything people like Destiny say I am. But I changed. Why can’t they see it?” I take a deep breath, trying to get my emotions under control. “Maybe I am truly not worth it. Maybe Mark was right when he said those words to me after I walked in on him fucking Danielle. Maybe I am just not worth the effort.”
No.
My therapist’s voice rings in my head. Reminding me I’m spiraling, letting the negative thoughts take over. So, I take a step back and try to redirect my thoughts like she taught me, to come to my senses, as she called it. I take in my surroundings instead of focusing on my thoughts. I inhale another deep breath, this time concentrating on the smells around me, the sawdust and straw in the stalls, the unique smell of horse and manure, the clean air that smells like snow. I listen to the sounds, the swish of Whisky’s tail as he stands patiently in front of me, so in contrast to Lucifer’s impatient stomps two stalls away. For a minute, I focus on what’s around me and not on the darkness inside of me.
It’s one of the tricks I learned to stop my negative thinking and ground myself in the present. It’s what helps me whenever I’m about to give up on trying, and it helps me this time.
The pain isn’t gone however, it lingers in every cell of my body, but I can finally breathe without the tears clogging my throat. I can let go of the tension the phone call with my mother caused in my muscles.
A small smile graces my lips when I look at the only friend who’s never let me down and is always there for me, no matter what.
I lift my hand to scratch his forehead when I hear a noise and freeze. I look around me, trying to figure out where the noise has come from, but I can’t see anything but the horses in their stalls.
It was probably just the wind, I tell myself.
That’s when I realize I’m shivering in the cold winter air and decide to
