Too afraid to hope.
Yet, here I stand, looking at the moonlight reflecting off the lake in front of me, the darkness settling around us like a security blanket keeping the ghosts out, letting hope creep in. I stopped hoping for anything in my life when I believed my father replaced me.
And I like it, this feeling of hope.
I hear soft footsteps walk up to me and a steaming hot mug appears in front of me.
“I made you some peppermint tea.” Kade hands me the mug before his arms hug me from behind.
With a sigh, he leans his jaw against the side of my head while I sip the tea he prepared for me. “I like you here, in my space.”
I stiffen involuntarily before I force my muscles to relax again, slightly freaked out hearing his thoughts mirror mine. I wish hearing any of this, or picturing an idyllic future with someone, wouldn’t freak me out to the point I have to stop myself from running out the door.
Doing this is perfectly normal, right? Spending time with a great guy, getting to know him. Giving yourself permission to fall in love. And yes, I realize with trepidation, that’s exactly what I’m doing.
Love is a scary concept, something fragile and easily taken away.
It means I have to be vulnerable with someone, let them see everything I’m usually trying to hide, the darkest parts of me. Exposing that insecure girl inside of me is not something I’ve ever done before with a man, definitely not with my cheating ex.
I want to believe Kade is different, that he won’t judge me for my past sins. And most of me does—after all, he’s already seen the darkness I’ve tried to hide for years and has been understanding. But he’s also the guy who judged me before he knew me. What if something triggers him and he reverts to his old self?
Not that there is much left to expose—he already knows the worst—the drinking and smoking when I was young. Not fighting my mother after that night Adam nearly died to set the record straight. Thinking the worst of my father.
But I’m human, and anxiety is a tricky bitch who sneaks in through the cracks without our knowledge, and we only realize she’s in there after she’s caused as much havoc as she can.
He doesn’t know the extent of the abuse my mother has subjected me to. What if he doesn’t want to deal with all these scars? With her? I don’t think I can ever just cut her out of my life for good, as much as I want to.
“What is it?” Kade’s voice is tense, like he’s bracing himself for my response. Something he tends to do whenever he can’t predict my reaction to something.
For a moment, I debate whether to deflect and distract, evade the chance to be rejected by someone I’m starting to care for. Instead, I decide to do the opposite and not beat around the bush. I don’t turn around though, unable to look at him while I utter the question my heart is desperate to know the answer to. “What are we doing, Kade?”
“Do you mean currently or in general?”
I sigh, knowing he wants me to say it out loud. Not just infer it into a rather vague question out of cowardice. I hate when he figures me out. “Are we just having fun? I mean, is it just sex and nothing more? I know you hinted at something different two days ago to Dad, but I’d understand if you just said that because he was giving you a hard time at Gram’s. A lot happened that day.”
“I meant what I said.”
When his words register, a warmth of happiness spreads through my chest, and I can’t help the goofy smile forming on my face. “Okay.”
“What about you? You going to run off as soon as Whisky is healthy and ghost my ass?”
“I don’t plan to,” I say and mean it. I enjoy spending time with him. He makes me feel safe to be myself. Something I’ve only ever felt with Dakota and Bob. I never thought I’d find that with a man.
“Good. Not that I’d let you go without a fight. I’d chase you down and make you see reason.”
All the tension leaves my body, and I melt into his heat. The serenity of this place surrounds us and for the first time all day my mind quiets. No thoughts running through my head, no anxiety rearing its ugly head.
It’s something I only ever achieve when I’m riding, the rhythmic movements of the horse have always managed to banish the negativity.
I rarely let my guard down, so I don’t realize it until it’s too late and my mouth starts talking without my brain’s input. “I’m terrified,” I whisper and vaguely register his body still behind me. “I’m terrified this is all a dream, and I’ll wake up any minute. Like it’s all too good to be true, you know? No one is ever this lucky to get everything they never voiced they wanted.”
I take a deep breath, dreading and at the same time hoping Kade interrupts me since it seems like I can’t stop myself. “What if you decide I’m not worth putting up with after all? Or if Dad realizes Veronika is right, that I’m only ever causing trouble for everyone? And technically she isn’t wrong; drama just seems to follow me around. I can’t blame you all if you decide to not deal with any of this. I’m a mess more often than not—”
“Stop,” Kade’s whisper interrupts me, finally deciding to put a stop to my ramblings. I doubt they made much sense.
He doesn’t turn me around to face him, something I would have expected
