“So you don’t believe we have souls?”
“I believe that we have the power to think and love and hope—if you want to call that a soul—but not that it’s an entity within our bodies.”
Trent recalled Dopp’s fury over her remorseless performance of abortions. “So if these cells are just a primitive mass, with no soul or rights, then early abortions are ethical, too.”
“Yes. I used to perform them because I think a pregnant woman should be able to decide the fate of the cells within her own body. The religious right wing, far from being pro-life as they claim, would prefer a woman to sacrifice her life to an embryo within her, even if it threatens her health to give birth. They are the same people who would prefer me to die, rather than research cell clusters for a cure. I am pro-life, in the real sense of the term, and so are you. Human life is sacred, not because of a supernatural infusion, but because of the unique capacity of our minds to reason—to think, to love, to create. So your instincts were correct—my life is more valuable than an embryo. This makes the research moral, and it makes you rational, Trent, not criminal.”
He closed his eyes for several seconds, feeling her words lift his guilt. All that remained was a fleeting regret for his self-torment. He opened his eyes.
“I couldn’t imagine you as a murderer.”
“That’s one thing you don’t have to worry about.” She smiled and pulled him against her. “Now does it all make sense?”
He nodded. And now my love for you finally makes sense, he thought: it’s not wicked, but a response to what I have always valued most, but never realized—the joy of living, personified in you.
“But I’m worried,” he said. “You’re taking such a big risk—”
“Oh.” She waved her hand. “I don’t think the DEP will find us. We just passed another inspection a few weeks ago.”
He felt sick. “So this means that the whole DEP is a moral fraud.”
“Completely. They’re nothing but religious thugs forcing their ideology down science’s throat.”
Trent felt strangely disassociated from his identity, as if he were viewing himself from the other side of the mirror, judging actions he had never thought to judge.
“Do you think they are malicious?” he asked, fearing her answer. “The people at the DEP?”
“Somebody must be evil to prefer me to die, and the millions of people like me. But I think most of them probably believe that what they are doing is right, even as they destroy all the boundaries between church and state. At best they’re misguided.”
He nodded. “Let’s forget them.”
“Sounds good to me.”
They stretched out under a throw and she nuzzled into his shoulder. He felt fiercely protective as he wrapped his arms around her, feeling the slow beat of her heart against his ribs. They lay inhaling parallel breaths, and he sensed that she did not often relinquish herself to the comfort of another’s arms. To think that she was fighting a two-front battle, both with slim odds, was agonizing; but then—to think that he was her opponent! His heart squeezed with shame.
I’ll quit tomorrow, he thought. I’ll never have to face Dopp again.
He owed nothing; he could give two weeks’ notice and let the door slam behind him. Then he could focus on making her life as enjoyable and full as she deserved—and maybe someday, hopefully long after she was out of danger from the DEP and from disease, he would tell her everything.
But wait. Even if he quit the case, it didn’t mean they would.
Dopp wouldn’t put the case to rest until he exhumed the gritty truth; so they would find another strategy without Trent—which would force him to tell her about the investigation. But then, if the stress didn’t kill her, she might never look at him again. The thought of losing her as a result of his own unwitting betrayal made him groan. In his arms, Arianna shifted but did not open her eyes.
He mulled over his options, trying to steady his heartbeat so it wouldn’t startle her awake. Even if she came to accept his initial lying, what if Dopp discovered his disloyalty? A traitor to the U.S. government—that would be the end of him. Not to mention that if he quit, he would be dangerously ignorant of Dopp’s next move.…
No, he realized, I can’t quit. I can’t let them get to you.
His path—despite its perilous double deception—was clear. It was his only feasible option.
One day, he thought, when it doesn’t matter anymore, I’ll explain; and you won’t be angry, because you’ll understand what I saved you from.…
He kissed the top of her head, cashmere against his lips. She did not stir. Even the light of the living room couldn’t hold off the exhaustion pulling his eyelids shut.
* * *
A vibration somewhere around his hips nudged him awake. She must have felt it, too, for her head snapped up, hitting his chin.
“Ow,” he muttered, opening his eyes.
“Sorry—oh my God, what time is it?”
He shrugged, turning his stiff neck from side to side. Wan light streamed in, shining into Arianna’s eyes. She threw the blanket off their legs and
