“An anticipation,” Sam clarified. “Of something dangerously thrilling to come.”
“Exactly.”
He thought: I know just what you mean.
* * *
When the meeting was over, and everyone had cleared the table and placed their dishes in the dishwasher, the pummeling in Sam’s chest signaled what was near. The Ericsons were saying good-bye, walking toward the door and wishing Arianna a restful weekend. Sam lingered behind them, dawdling in the kitchen just to the right of the foyer, with a hand in his pocket. He fingered the edge of the paper folded there.
“You guys go ahead,” Sam called as Emily held the door open for him. He wished he could think of a convincing reason to stay behind, instead of nervously waving.
Emily shrugged and waved, and then the door closed. Arianna reached up above the doorknob to lock the bolt, and it clicked loudly into place.
They were alone.
She turned her wheelchair around to face him. “What’s up?”
Sam sat back down in one of the kitchen chairs and motioned for her to come over.
How do I do this? he thought, panicking. Hadn’t he rehearsed this moment all of last night? Hadn’t he lost sleep over it, imagining exactly what he would say?
“Are you still hungry?” she asked, wheeling up in front of him. “I have a lot more food you could take.”
“No, thanks, I’m fine.” He cleared his throat. “I just wanted a moment with you.”
She nodded as if she understood. “I’m glad.”
“You are?”
“Yeah. I’ve been thinking about something that happened a while ago between us. It was kind of an unspoken thing, and I was planning to talk to you about it, but then we got so distracted—”
“Yes,” he interrupted. “I think I know what you’re talking about.” His heart raged against his rib cage. In the lab, that look they had shared, loaded with meaning— Now, finally, she was acknowledging it.…
She sighed. “So it’s bothering you, too? I should have talked to you about it sooner. I knew you were mad at me and I just ignored it until it seemed like you were over it, and that was wrong of me. So I’m sorry. And I never apologized properly for upsetting you either.”
Sam frowned, feeling disoriented. He saw her lips moving and her remorseful expression, heard the strange words that pelted his eardrums. When was he mad? And then he understood. This was not about them; it was about the outsider who had invaded his lab and her heart, and in doing so, threatened all that Sam held dear.
He grimaced, not trusting his voice. In his pocket, his hand closed tightly around the folded piece of paper; its edge pierced his skin, a thin but stinging blade.
“I’m sorry I didn’t consult with you before I took him there,” Arianna continued. “It was impulsive and potentially dangerous, and I admit that. I guess I got so swept away by how badly I wanted to show him that I didn’t think of you or Patrick or Ian, and how you guys would feel about it. I should have shown you more consideration.”
Sam nodded. He pulled his hand out of his pocket and noticed tiny beads of blood across his palm.
“Are you still mad?” she asked. Worry spread across her face, rendering it even more innocent, and more lovely.
“Not anymore,” he said.
“I should have apologized a lot earlier.”
“Probably.”
She bit her lip. “Better late than never, right?”
“Yeah.” Sam paused. “So how are things going with him?”
She ventured to smile. “Amazing. He’s so supportive. I don’t think I could ask for more.”
Sam glanced behind her at the front door. It had never looked so welcome; and yet, he glanced back into her dark blue eyes, compelled by a savage impulse to watch the end of the crash, the final horrific moment of combustion.
“Do you love him?”
Eagerness crept into her smile—there was no mistaking such a look, one that Sam knew well from his days of teaching: It was the recognition of an easy question.
“Definitely,” she said.
He felt strangely detached, as if he were following a script written as punishment for his foolishness.
“Good,” he murmured. “I want you to be happy.”
It was the gut-shredding truth.
She grabbed one of his hands with both of hers. “Oh, Sam, I’m so glad you feel that way! I was worried you didn’t approve, and your opinion means the world to me. I’ve always felt…” She looked down, smiling almost shyly. “Well, that you’re like a second father to me. I know you hate being sentimental, but it’s true. Even beyond saving my life, which is—well, there are no words for that … but I’m so lucky just to have you in my life. I see us as family, don’t you?”
Sam nodded, smiling at the sheer irony of his idiocy.
“And, I know this is impossible, but if there is anything I could ever do to repay you at all, you have to tell me.” She shook her head, looking stunned. “I still can’t believe it. And beyond me, what this could mean for so many more people … You should be all over the news right now! Like the next Pasteur!”
“Galileo’s more like it,” he muttered.
“Except you’re not under any kind of arrest.”
“No. But if I were, it would be by the same people.”
She shivered. “Scary.”
“It’s goddamn infuriating is what it is.”
“We ought to find a way to tell the world what you’ve done.”
He nodded, though glory was the furthest thing from his mind.
“But, hey,” she said, “what was it that you wanted to talk to me about?”
“Oh, we already covered it.”
“So you also wanted to get that off your chest?”
“Yep.”
“I’m honestly surprised you stayed behind to talk about it,” she said, throwing him a teasing look. “But I’m glad you did. It’s so much better to clear the air.”
“Yeah. I should be getting back to the lab.” Sam rose, letting go of her hands.
“Okay. And call me if you need or want anything. I can have someone bring stuff to
