“I accept your apology, babe. It’s so good to hear your voice, and let’s not forget I abandoned you before too. We’ve both fucked up. We’ve both pushed each other away instead of talking things out.”
“It’s good to hear yours too, and you’re right. We have to start communicating. I don’t want to be in this position again. But enough about that, how is Walker? Did he get my letter?” I haven’t heard excitement like this in so long from her, if I could bottle up and save it for the hard times, I would.
“Yeah, he about killed me when he ran into the dorm and hugged me so tight I thought he was gonna squeeze me to death, but it was the tears that did me in.”
“I caused that.” She sounds resigned.
“We both did,” I remind her, not wanting her to fall in the trap of negative self-talk. Maybe I’ve done a little research myself. “There were things I could have done differently, and I didn’t.”
“We’re gonna talk about it,” she says with firmness. “A few weeks from now I’ll be able to invite you into my therapy session, and I hope you’ll come.”
“I’ll do whatever it takes to get you back to me, Mandy. My life…” I look for the words to express what I’ve been feeling, how lost I’ve been without her, and they don’t come as easy as I once thought they would. “It isn’t a life without you and Walker in it. Perfection doesn’t exist, but the three of us? When things were good, they were close.”
“I agree, and I know Walker will need to be part of the conversation too, but I want to make sure our relationship is strong before we bring him into this. He’s been through a lot, D, things I never wanted him to deal with, situations I never wanted him to see. Right now, I have a chance to fix things, and if I don’t do it now, I’m afraid I’ll never get another shot.”
“Then we’ll do our best to make sure this is what our family needs. We won’t stop until we all feel good about it, even if it means we’re still talking to people about our shit fifteen years from now. I’ll do whatever it takes to have my family together, babe. I can’t go on without you again.”
“I can’t go on without you again either.” I hear someone talking in the background. “I gotta go, my time is up. Caelin got that phone specifically for me. Keep it on you? I’m not sure when I’ll get other chances to call. I know how you ignore most calls,” she giggles. “I wanted one you would know not to ignore. I sent Dad a letter, I’m glad to know he did what I asked.”
“It’s attached to my body now,” I assure her.
“I love you, Dalton Barnett, so much. Thank you for being the man that you’ve never had to be. Thank you for being the person you are, the husband I don’t deserve, and the best dad to Walker.”
“You know none of that is true, babe. You make me a good man. Before you, I didn’t even know what it meant. I love you too, and I hope I get to talk to you again soon.”
“You will. Tell Walker I love and miss him.”
The call is ended before either one of us can say anything else. My fingers grasp the phone tighter, like it’s my lifeline to her. I’m sitting here with a huge smile on my face as I think about hearing her voice.
It’s been so long since I heard a smile in it that I almost couldn’t remember what it sounded like.
Now I know, and I promise myself I’ll never let either one of us forget it again.
Chapter Thirteen
Mandy
“How did your conversation with Dalton go?”
I hold my phone call with him close to my chest, not wanting to share it with anyone, even Dr. Crawford, even though she’s the one who’s brought me far enough to be able to recognize most of my bad habits.
“It was good,” I allow.
“Just good?”
Taking a deep breath, I trudge ahead, trying to explain with a limited vocabulary how hearing his voice made me feel. “It was as if a cloudy, rainy day was pushed aside and the sun shined, birds sang, and a rainbow appeared. I had no idea how much I missed him.”
“You didn’t want to tell me all of that.” She makes a note on her pad of paper. “Thank you for pushing past it.”
“It’s just…” I situate myself on the couch, pulling my leg up under me. “It’s always felt like everything involving my relationship has included more than the two people in the relationship. My brother is best friends with Dalton, Dalton and my brother run Heaven Hill together, and before that Dalton was under my dad. I understand this may be hard for you to get, but hang with me.” I do my best to explain the dynamics of the club to her. “So Dalton and I, we purposely moved far enough away from the clubhouse as we could and still be a safe distance, in case something went down. But it never seemed to help. Drew, my brother, and my dad have never truly respected our marriage.”
It feels good to say those words out loud, especially when I’ve thought them for so damn long.
“How do you mean?”
“With Drew, even before he was the president of the club, no one wanted to bother him because he has twins, and Charity, his wife, is a lawyer with a thriving practice. I know about the practice,” - I push my finger against my chest - “because I run the damn thing. She’s the boss, but I make sure
