“I’m sorry,” he said, meaning it in more ways than one. “That’s rough. Has it been long?”
“Ten years,” she said. “He was an officer with this department and died when he wrecked his cruiser chasing a man who had just robbed a convenience store and pistol-whipped the clerk.”
He thought for a moment.
“You joined the department after that?”
He marveled at her courage, Most police wives hated what their husbands did. One of the many reasons was that a police wife feared for her husband’s safety. Most would run as far away from law enforcement as they could if the same thing happened to them as had happened to Jen.
“I had always wanted to be a cop.” She looked at him for the first time since they’d got in the car. “I got talked out of it, first by my parents, later by Jake. He was already on the department when I met him. I think that was his biggest attraction for me, the fact that he did what I wanted to do. I got to live vicariously through him.”
She smiled. Will felt his heart do a flip-flop.
“After a while, it wasn’t enough.”
“That caused problems?”
She laughed. It was a soft, husky sound that ignited a fire within him. He wondered if she laughed like that in bed, if he could make her feel so good that she would laugh that way for him.
“Did it ever! I started pushing to join the department—or any department, for that matter—about two years after Brandon was born. Jake had other ideas. He hadn’t thought police work suitable for me before, and he sure didn’t think so after I became a mother. There were a lot of fights the year before he died.”
The last was said softly and sadly. As they approached the Jefferson city limits, he glanced over at her again. She was looking down at her hands, a sad smile on her face.
“I felt guilty about that for a long time. It took about six months of counseling before I could accept that what I wanted to do for a living was valid, and I didn’t have to apologize or feel guilty for it.”
She paused, wondering why she was confiding so much in this man. She looked at his strong, handsome profile, wondering if maybe she were testing him to see how he reacted. Maybe he was one of those macho types who didn’t believe a badge was the proper accessory for a woman. But whether he was or wasn’t, why should she care?
“It also helped me accept that our fights didn’t kill him,” she continued. “Of course, I knew that logically, but it’s amazing how some totally illogical part of your mind can make you think that.”
“Children often feel that way when a parent or sibling dies. We adults con ourselves into believing we’re smarter than that.”
“That’s pretty much what my therapist said.”
“Just think of the money you could have saved,” he said, chuckling, “if you’d known me back then.”
For a second their eyes met, then he focused his attention back on the busy highway. Jen’s breath quickened. She had no doubt in her mind that had she known him immediately after Jake’s death, she would have felt even guiltier. Because had she known him, she suspected she could have forgotten that Jake ever existed.
She leaned back and closed her eyes. I’ve come a long way, she thought, to have a thought like that. It had taken her a lot of time and a lot of introspection to finally admit that had Jake lived, they would probably have divorced.
Oh, certainly she had been madly in love with him once, but it was the love of a young girl awed by the strong, virile, take-charge kind of guy on whom she had placed the label of “hero.” He had loved her because she saw him that way. Theirs had not been the love of equals, and eventually it wouldn’t have been enough for her.
That was one reason she’d avoided commitment since Jake’s death. Not many men existed who could truly love a woman as an equal. And since there was no way under the sun that she was going to give up her independence, she was afraid of what would happen to any relationship she became involved in. Independent or not, she could still suffer a broken heart.
But more than potential damage to her heart, there was Brandon to consider. If she did become involved in a serious relationship, it would have to be with someone Brandon liked and who liked Brandon. She wouldn’t be the only one hurt if it didn’t work out.
She stole a quick glance at the hunk behind the wheel, wondering if she could just have a casual thing with this man—a couple of dates, some good times, nothing more. But as she ran her eyes over him, noting the confident way he held himself, his strong hands on the steering wheel, and his thigh muscles pressing against the cloth of his suit pants—not to mention the very enticing bulge in the crotch of those pants—she doubted she would be able to keep it casual. His maleness excited her in a delicious and dangerous way that could become addicting. And the best way to avoid addiction to any substance was to take Nancy Reagan’s advice and “just say no.”
Of course, there was the probability that he was married or at least seriously involved with someone. He was too attractive to be unattached. That would make it much easier for her to deny herself the pleasure she was certain he could provide.
“In case you’re wondering, I’m not,” he said.
“Not what?”
“Married. Or involved with anyone.”
He smiled at her astonished expression and knew he’d been right about what she’d been thinking.
Jen opened her mouth to insist that she didn’t care one way or the other but snapped it shut again. No matter what she said, it would only make things worse. It would be a case
