He doubted whether he could even endure to meet with her under his parents’ roof. Pride as well as delicacy militated against it. Julia already knew that he came from humble circumstances, but to know a thing and to see it with one’s own eyes were two different matters. He hated to think of beautiful, elegant Julia entering those cramped quarters which, despite his sister Susan’s best efforts, could not appear as anything but shabby. He was glad he was not there when she walked into their tiny parlour for the first time, to witness the look of surprise, or consternation, or worse—even distaste—that must have crossed her face. He could not sit with Julia, nor greet her calmly, or converse as though they were merely cousins, with the eye of every person in his family upon them!
Fond as he was of his father, William knew him to be uneducated outside of his profession, coarse and ungenteel, while his mother was vocal in her opposition to the match—he cringed to think of the welcome Julia must have received from them.
William resolved to keep to his duties while Julia was in Portsmouth, and spend as much time as possible away from his home, afraid that seeing her would weaken his resolve.
The day after his return happened to be Sunday, and the Prices and their unwelcome guests were all to attend church at the Garrison Chapel together.
William had sometimes pictured in his mind the day when he would take Julia’s hand at the Garrison Chapel. It would be a beautiful day, with a mild, freshening breeze, sunny but not too hot. The minister would pronounce them man and wife. His entire family, his brothers and sisters would fill two pews, and his brother officers would form a guard of honour outside the church, and he and Julia would run under the arch of their outstretched sabres. That was how it was to be.
But instead, this cold and blustery day, he sat, highly conscious of the presence of Julia and Edmund in the pew in front of him, and he tried to keep his eye fixed on the pulpit through the entire service, and did not raise his voice to sing the hymns, but only mumbled under his breath, the better to hear her sweet voice. Afterwards, his mother went for her usual walk, and the rest of the family followed.
A brisk and near-freezing wind greeted the family upon their exit from the chapel, and Julia naturally turned to William, and held out her arm for his escort. Edmund gave all his attention to Mrs. Price, and the young couple soon fell behind the others.
Although they were in a public place, there would be no more opportune time, or place, for William to repeat what he had already written, and so, with a voice trembling with emotion, he said: “Miss Bertram, I asked you to wait for me, without making a proper proposal for you. I was wrong—selfish. I never should have asked it of you. Years may go by before I might be able to make a home for you, and no matter what, I will always be plain William Price, and you are Sir Thomas Bertram’s daughter, and I ought never to have formed expectations on you.”
Julia looked at him, pleadingly, as he continued: “So I must release you from your promise, and I want you to meet—” he blinked back tears which the cold wind was starting from his eyes,” —meet someone you could care for. You needn’t regard what we said to each other when we were just a boy and a girl. It was like a type of play-acting, amongst the hedgerows, it wasn’t real, and we mustn’t bind ourselves to it.”
“William,” exclaimed Julia, shaking her head in disbelief. “It is not the custom in this country for a man to propose marriage and then withdraw the offer. It is too cruel, it is—it is dishonourable!”
“Miss Bertram,” William repeated more firmly. “I am sorry you will think so much the worse of me, but perhaps it is for the best. Perhaps in the end, you won’t regret giving me up, if you don’t think of me as a gentleman. My feelings—” but he broke off. It would only be increasing her pain, and his, for him to tell her how much he loved her.
“You are making the choice for me, William! Do you not think I know, do you not think I understand, what it means to be a sailor’s wife? I am a grown woman now, and I know my own mind. It is not for you to determine what I can endure and what I cannot.”
“But I could not endure it, Julia, I could not!” William burst forth. “I could not bear to force you into a life of anxiety and loneliness, watching and waiting for me to come home—or worse, take you with me and expose you to danger and hardship. You are the daughter of a baronet, and I am merely a lieutenant, with no-one to help me rise through the ranks. You deserve a better life than the one I can offer you, and there is the end of it.”
“William,” Julia whispered with passionate intensity. “You do not persuade me. You cannot prevent me from loving you. You cannot prevent me from waiting for you. You can only break my heart, or come back for me one day.”
William had to turn away to collect himself. The urge to take her into his arms, to kiss and comfort her, was unbearably painful.
“I release you from your promise, Miss Bertram, for I
