“What is it, Sawyer?”
I look down at the tops of my shoes, trying to figure out how to tell Berlin that her picture is splashed all over the front page of some sleazy tabloid, and her sex life has been laid bare for all the world to see.
“Sawyer?”
The note of concern in her voice sends a lance of guilt through me, even though it’s not my fault. Well, not entirely. I can’t control what the paparazzi does. They’re scumbags, and they make their living by exposing the tawdry details of people’s lives. By the same token though, I know this. I am normally more careful about what I do in public. I’m usually more aware of my surroundings.
But being so close to Berlin allowed my hormones to override my common sense and judgment. It’s a rare occurrence, but not completely unheard of. I’d allowed myself to think more about fucking Berlin in that moment than in maintaining my public image. And now I’m paying the price for it. Or rather, Berlin is paying the price for it. I’m used to living my life in the eye of the sleazy tabloids – she’s not.
“Sawyer, you’re kind of freaking me out right now,” she says.
“So, I take it you haven’t seen the news this morning?” I begin.
“Sure, I glanced – trouble in the Middle East. Big surprise,” she frowns, clearly confused. “Couple of politicians under investigation for corruption – even less of a surprise –”
I take the Ledger out of my bag and toss it onto the desk in front of her. “No, I mean that – news. If that’s what people call it.”
The paper trembles in her hands as she picks it up and unfolds it. I watch her eyes widen as she scans the picture on the front page, taking in every detail of it. Her mouth trembles, and she lets out a stuttering gasp.
“W – what is this?” she whispers.
“It’s us, out by the lake the other –”
She slams the paper down on the desk hard enough to rattle the pens in her cup. “I know what this is,” she snaps. “How did this happen? Who took this?”
“I – I don’t know,” I admit. “I guess some piece of shit paparazzi must have followed us out there. I didn’t see him. That’s my fault. I’m usually more careful.”
She runs her hand through her hair, a look of both fear and anger on her face. “I – I can’t believe this,” she stammers. “I can’t believe this happened.”
“I just wanted you to hear it from me first, Berlin. I didn’t want you to have to see that shit,” I say seriously. “I’m sorry about this, Berlin. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
She lets out a long, trembling breath. “It’s not your fault,” she replies, her voice little more than a whisper. “I know you didn’t mean for this to happen.”
She stares at the paper and looks – maybe for lack of a better word – scared. I don’t know what she might be afraid of, whether it be her friends or father finding out, or something else. But seeing the paper has definitely rattled her.
“What is it?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “Nothing. It’s nothing,” she insists. “We’ll – talk about this later.”
“Berlin, I –”
“No, I can’t deal with this right now, Sawyer,” she says. “I need to prepare for my deposition.”
“Okay, no worries.” I get to my feet. “We’ll talk later.”
She nods distractedly, and although she tosses the Ledger in the trash basket, I can see her eyes still lingering on it as well as her mind spinning. I would give anything to know what’s going through her head right now.
“So, call me later?” I ask.
She nods. “Yeah, I’ve got a pretty stacked schedule coming up, but I’ll call you soon.”
She looks up at me, and there’s a sudden awkwardness in the air. Part of me thinks I should give her a hug and a kiss before I go. But that might be more of a thing for people in relationships – which we are not just yet. At the same time, I don’t want to leave her office without acknowledging that she’s somebody special to me. And for her part, Berlin looks at me like she has no idea what should be done in this weird space between us right now.
I walk over and plant a kiss on the top of her head and lay my hand on her shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze.
“Everything’s going to be okay,” I whisper softly.
I just hope she believes me. Hell, I hope I believe myself.
She nods and gives me a weak smile, obviously not as reassured as I’d hoped she’d be. With a small nod, I turn and leave her office – only to be greeted by the weight of a thousand eyes on me. In all the time I’ve been making unannounced visits to this office, this is the first time anybody has seemed to notice me. And now it’s like everybody in the Public Defender’s office suddenly recognizes me. Gee, I wonder why.
Fuck. Does everybody read those trash tabloids?
Chapter Twenty-One Berlin
“Give me a fucking break,” I mutter to myself.
I slam my office door behind me to make a point – and so I don’t have to listen to that insipid fucking giggling. Every single day for the last two weeks since that article in the Ledger came out; I’ve come into my office to find “Afternoon Delight” by the Starland Vocal Band playing on my computer on an endless loop. Apparently, the PD’s office is filled with comedians.
I’m not in the mood for it today. I still haven’t really unpacked all of the emotional garbage floating around in my head from having my sex life splayed out all over New York for everybody to see and consume. I’ve been avoiding everybody like the plague since
