He needed somebody who could shoulder the kind of burden that he carried. Who could deal with the kind of grief they’d been through. It was tough to find someone who could.
They had lost so much, all of them.
Logan needed somebody who would be able to understand that.
And what about you? What do you need?
She deflected that question. She didn’t want to think about it. She didn’t need to think about it. She had been honest when she had said to Logan that she wasn’t in a space where she felt like she needed anyone at all. And she didn’t think it was a double standard.
She was twenty-three. She didn’t need to worry about it, not yet.
And anyway, there was something about thinking about it that reminded her too much of the yawning void she had felt after her parents had died.
She wasn’t alone anyway. She had all of them in such a deep, profound way.
When Elliott left, she turned to Iris. “See?” she practically chirped. “I was right. He’s nice.”
“I guess,” Iris said.
“What?”
Iris shook her head. “It’s nothing. You’re right. He’s nice. And... perfectly sensible.”
“That’s a good thing,” Rose said, suddenly feeling the first twinge of uncertainty over the whole thing. Because it had gone well, but Iris didn’t seem overjoyed or giddy or anything like that, and the fact that Rose seemed more excited about it than her sister didn’t seem quite right. “Isn’t it?”
“Of course it is,” Iris said. “I mean, we all know how difficult life can be, right? Making sensible choices when it comes to the men that you date is arguably the most important thing somebody who’s been through the kind of experiences we have can do.”
“Of course, our sister is marrying an ex-convict at Christmas.”
“Our sister the police chief,” Iris said, shaking her head.
Rose found her gaze wandering back over to Logan and his mystery lady.
“Yeah, I would rather not see that,” Iris said, her lip curling. “Too much like watching a family member hook up.”
Rose pondered that. And she decided that must be the truth. It must be why it felt like there was a rock in her stomach. “Yeah,” she said. “Yeah.” Affirming it. That was what it was. Definitely like if she were watching one of her cousins, or even worse, Ryder, trying to get it on with a random girl.
She had walked in on Ryder and Sammy making out before anyone had known they were together, and she had felt decently emotionally scarred by that. Since Sammy felt like a sister and all. It had felt like a violation of everything she believed to be true about their dynamic, and the family dynamic. So she imagined that had to do with the discomfort that she was experiencing at the moment.
“Why can’t we do that?” Rose asked.
“Because I don’t like blondes,” Iris said dryly.
“You know what I mean. Why did they get to do that? Why don’t we?”
“You don’t want to,” Iris said sagely.
“Maybe I do,” Rose said. Privately, the idea of approaching some random guy and dancing with him made her want to jump out of her skin, but she wasn’t going to admit that now. Not since she had made it an issue.
She just... She’d never met someone who made her want to do that. Had never seen someone on the other side of the crowded bar and felt enticed to cross the room to talk to them.
“Well, go right ahead,” Iris said. “I would support you.”
She had to wonder if what Iris had said earlier was true of her too, as she sat so resolutely rooted to her chair. If there was something inside of her that made her feel a lot more...cautious about all of it. To her, love felt like a precious commodity. Not something vast and infinite, but a shiny gem you might run out of. She had been so young when her parents had died. So much of what she was had been shaped around that tragedy. And around all the things and experiences she hadn’t had since.
Logan had been sixteen. So while she knew he had been profoundly affected by losing his mother, he had also been a good bit of who he was by the time it had happened.
Rose hadn’t even begun to become who she might be.
She wondered if she still hadn’t.
For a moment she wondered what would happen if she did walk up to one of the men on that dance floor. Wrapped her arm around his neck and smiled. If she led with a bold joke, which she had no problem doing with men she knew. Of course, she didn’t do it to be flirtatious with them. But what if she did?
Except... Suddenly in her mind she had a clear picture of replacing that blonde in Logan’s arms.
She squeezed her eyes shut.
“Okay,” she said. “I don’t really want to. And you can call Elliott. You’re right. He’s nice.”
“I think you’re the one who said that,” Iris said. “So you’re just saying that you’re right.”
Rose shrugged. “Life doesn’t hand us wins, Iris, you have to seize the ones that you’re owed.”
“I’m not saying that you have a win,” Iris said. “But given that I haven’t actually...gone out with anybody in...”
Rose bit her lip.
Iris narrowed her eyes. “You’re not going to say something about how I never go out?”
Rose shrugged mutely.
“You’re just trying to behave so that I don’t defy you for the sake of it.”
“I don’t have it in me to behave. Not for any reason at all.”
The blonde touched Logan’s face. Rose turned away. “I’m ready to go.”
Iris looked at her skeptically. “Are you okay?”
“I’m great. I’m really glad that you hit it off with Elliott.”
“Hitting it off might be overstating it. But I am willing to give him my sourdough recipe. Which isn’t nothing.”
“Good. Well, I’m glad of that.”
They slipped out of the bar, after settling her tab with
