*
‘Listen,’ Autumn said, ‘I know this is the wrong time and place, but there will never be a right time, and there might not even be another place. I just want you to know how I feel. I mean, I know that you like me, a little, and I don’t expect you to… I just… I just wanted you to know.’
She felt stupid and awkward. He was a man, yet nothing like any previous boyfriend. He was older, and he’d lived life, seen things, done things. She was naive to everything he’d known. She didn’t expect him to respond to her. He didn’t show his emotions in the same way. He was guarded. He had to be for his job. She didn’t expect him to say anything, really. She just wanted him to know.
‘Nigel Farlow killed my wife and Marie, my daughter,’ Nathan started.
He took a breath, as if steeling himself for what was to come. He still held her hands, but his grip was tighter, like he needed reassurance.
‘He was a good soldier, a colleague… a friend. But he was turned. It happens,’ he continued.
‘What d’you mean?’ Autumn asked. She spoke quietly, not wanting to interrupt him.
‘In my line of work, you get offered all sorts of opportunities. Ways to boost your income, so to speak. Nigel took them. I found out he was passing intel to other sides, other countries, terrorist groups.’
‘What happened?’
‘I gave him a chance. At first, I didn’t believe it. He was a staunch member of the unit, dedicated, one of the best soldiers I knew. So, I tested him. I let him “find” something, information I’d made up, and he passed the intel on to a terrorist group. They had no reason not to believe him. They went looking for an operative on their wish list, and instead, they found a team from Section 7 ready to take them in.’
Autumn nodded, willing him to continue.
‘I confronted him, gave him a chance to explain. I wanted to hear that he was in some sort of trouble, financial, or maybe they were blackmailing him. I wanted to hear anything but what he told me.’
His hands shook in hers, and she held them, tried to stop the trembling.
‘He said I should try it. That he had made more money in a few months working for them than he had in his whole career in the army,’ Nathan said with a shake of his head.
‘Then what happened?’
‘I pretended I was interested, said I would think about it. Then I went straight to my senior officer and told him everything.’
Autumn brought his hand to her mouth and kissed the tips of his fingers.
Nathan sighed. ‘Once my claims were substantiated, he was court-martialed.’
‘So he should have been. He put peoples’ lives at risk, passed information to terrorists,’ Autumn stated.
‘Yeah, well, he was pissed. Not just from being kicked out of the army, but from losing his income from the terrorists he was in league with. He lost his connection to intel, so he had nothing to offer them.’
‘What happened?’ Autumn asked, sensing what was to come.
He shifted where he sat, trying to get comfortable, but also trying to prepare himself for what he was about to tell her. It was common knowledge what had happened, reported several times over. There had been documents written about it, but he had never spoken about it to anyone. Shrink after shrink had tried to get him to open up, tried to explain that letting go was moving on, but he couldn’t.
‘It was an ordinary morning, just an ordinary Tuesday morning. I was home. I’d been home for a week, and we were just getting back into the family routine. We’d had breakfast. I was going to put up a new swing we’d bought for Marie while Carolyn went to work. Carolyn was taking Marie to pre-school on the way. She kissed me goodbye, Marie put her arms around my leg and wouldn’t let go until I’d thrown her up in the air, and… then they left. I remember drinking a mouthful of coffee and picking up the paper, then…’
Tears spilled from his eyes and fell down his cheeks in torrents as he dragged his mind back there.
‘What happened?’ Autumn urged him on.
‘There was a huge explosion. The kitchen window blew in. I was knocked off the chair… but I got up and I ran outside. I ran to them, because I knew… I knew,’ he said, wiping his face with his forearm.
She tried to draw him into her arms, but he pulled back. He wasn’t ready. He had started this now, and he needed to finish it.
‘The car was on fire… what was left of it, and they were… gone, just… gone. There was nothing left. I opened the doors. I searched for them, but there was just… pieces, pieces of them… my wife, my daughter… my family,’ he wept.
‘Oh, Nathan,’ Autumn said, reaching up to stroke his hair.
‘I thought about throwing myself in there with them, because I knew. I knew this was because of me, because I’d done the right thing. This was Nigel’s revenge. And the worst thing about it all was, I couldn’t even say “it should have been me” because it wasn’t meant for me. It was always meant for them. He’d meant it for them because he knew that would kill me more.’
*
She watched him fall apart before her eyes, his guard down, his sorrow flooding out of him. His shoulders vibrated with the emotion, as all those years of hurt broke to the surface. He reached for her, took her hand and buried his head against her chest. She cradled his upper body, smoothed her hands over his hair, softly, letting him cry,
