Autumn shook her head. ‘I pushed you away, too, because I wanted him back. You couldn’t be him, so I didn’t want you. That was my child psychology, and I just continued it into adulthood.’
‘What he does, Autumn, is so valuable. That’s why I fell in love with him. He fights for what’s right. He fights against terrorism, for truth and honesty. He fights for people who can’t fight for themselves. He takes risks, and he goes into hiding because he’s the best at his job. He’s saved thousands of lives. He’ll continue to save thousands of lives, but he has to do that away from us, to protect us. That was why I didn’t want you pursuing a career in the music business to begin with. It was best if you grew up out of any spotlight. Despite faking his death, it was also important to avoid people ever knowing who your father really was.’
‘But I pushed and pushed, didn’t I? Flunked out of everything, and concentrated on driving you crazy writing music, sending CDs off, joining those singing groups, auditioning for musicals.’
‘We’d changed our names. I couldn’t order you not to choose the life you’d set your heart on. And, Autumn,’ Alison said, ‘you are so talented, so very, very talented.’
Her mother continued to hold her hands, stroking her thumbs across the back of them.
‘You never told me what you thought of my music,’ Autumn said.
‘I know.’
‘I never knew if you were proud of me. I thought all the awards were just publicity for you. You never really seemed interested in me.’
‘I am interested, Autumn. I just… lost sight of what was important. And, because I knew what it was like to lose someone so precious, I felt, if I got too close, I might lose you, too. I know how that sounds, but sometimes, we do very foolish things for self-preservation. I think I thought you were better off without my interference.’
‘I was so lonely,’ Autumn admitted.
‘Oh, Autumn,’ Alison said, reaching forward and pulling her daughter into her arms.
Autumn closed her eyes and sucked in the scent of her mother. It was a shot of expensive perfume and a wave of hair conditioning product, but it was the essence of her, and she had not been in such close quarters with it since before her father had left. A lone tear escaped and slithered down her cheek.
Alison drew herself away, dabbing at her eyes with the handkerchief. She sniffed and tried to recompose herself, then reached onto the table for the file she’d brought in.
‘I really shouldn’t be doing this, Autumn,’ Alison started. She smoothed her hands over the thick wad of paper bound by a thin cardboard covering.
Autumn didn’t say anything. She had no clue what her mother was about to do, but she had had no idea her mother was going to behave like a normal person when she entered the room. Anything could happen.
‘I could lose my job if anyone finds out about this… but I thought it would be important to you.’ Alison hesitated for a moment, holding onto the file, then she passed it to Autumn.
The weight of the document sent her hands to her lap, and she struggled to contain all the papers within it.
‘I know I didn’t believe you, but there was so much going on, I suppose I didn’t have time to think about it. I was concerned for your safety. I couldn’t see anything else,’ Alison said.
Autumn opened the file and swallowed down a boulder of sentiment as she encountered a photo of Nathan. It was a head shot, and he was dressed in his army uniform, a cap on his head. He looked no different, maybe a few years younger, but apart from that, she was looking into the eyes of the man she loved. She touched the photo with the tips of her fingers, traced the line down the side of his face, stopping at his chin.
‘Everything you need to know about Scott Pemberton is in that file. I thought it might help somehow,’ Alison told her.
Autumn raised her head to regard her mother.
‘Scott,’ she whispered.
‘Yes, that was his real name.’
Autumn nodded, her fingers not leaving the photo.
‘I’ve had the cameras turned off in here, so you take as long as you like with the file. When you’re done, just press that button under the desk and call for me.’ Alison got to her feet.
Autumn looked back to the photo, drinking in everything about his face. The hazel eyes flecked with more gold than blue, the firm jaw, the full lips. They had such little time together, but the intensity of her feelings for him had not just taken her by surprise, they had overwhelmed her.
Autumn looked up into her mother’s eyes. ‘I loved him, Mother.’
Alison’s lips trembled at her daughter’s admission, and she nodded her head.
‘Have a think about the spare bedroom,’ Alison said. ‘We could get a piano. I think there would be space.’
*
Autumn pored over the file, reading every report, every article, every attendance note or notarized telephone conversation, every memo. Reading about him reminded her that he had been real. He’d been exceedingly brave in his career, and if he hadn’t gone against the grain and earned himself the reputation of someone who would break the rules, it was likely he would have been highly
