I loved those sessions. I’m glad I was able to arrange that, because I needed a palate-cleansing moment. Jermaine and I did “The One” together. I wanted “The One” to be the lead single, but Doug chose “Through the Rain.” It was a serious ballad, and Doug thought it would work because it was kind of a sob story, the sort of triumphant Oprah Winfrey moment I needed in the wake of the Glitter debacle. It was a good song, but it didn’t perform as well as it could have. The label was really invested in the “adult contemporary” genre, which I could do in my sleep. But personally, I had always preferred the so-called “urban contemporary,” whatever that means.
I went back to Capri, to the gorgeous studio on the top of a hill. It was so great: there are no cars, there is no pollution, the air and the energy are very clean. I didn’t have kids at the time, but kids could run around freely there because it was so safe. You can only get there by ferry, and so it made for the perfect hideout for me to hunker down and record. People came out to visit me. Lyor brought Cam’ron out there for a day to record “Boy (I Need You).” Cam snuck in some of that purple (cannabis), and he administered very effective shotguns (I don’t inhale directly—the vocal cords, dahling). We got fully festive and watched Mel Brooks’s History of the World: Part I (one of my all-time favorite movies) and laughed our asses off.
One of the songs I love on Charmbracelet is “Subtle Invitation.” That song is a great example of how I often take the small moments that happen in life and channel their larger significance so that my music can connect to people all around the world who are going through different experiences and coming from different situations and positions. Though the song was about a brief and fleeting fling, it wasn’t a resentful song. It was for anyone who could relate to experiences of losing a love but keeping the door open to it.
See it’s hard to tell somebody
That you’re still somewhat attached
to the dream of being in love once again
When it’s clear they’ve moved on
So I sat down and wrote these few words
On the off chance you’d hear
And if you happen to be somewhere listening
You should know I’m still here …
If you really need me, baby just reach out and touch me
—“Subtle Invitation”
Another important song for me was “My Saving Grace”:
I’ve loved a lot, hurt a lot
Been burned a lot in my life and times
Spent precious years wrapped up in fears
With no end in sight
Until my saving grace shined on me
Until my saving grace set me free
Giving me peace
Giving me strength
When I’d almost lost it all
Catching my every fall
I still exist because you keep me safe
I found my saving grace within you
—“My Saving Grace”
Charmbracelet was a real fan favorite. The Lambs have always wanted “Justice for Charmbracelet,” and it was actually a really good album. It featured Jay-Z and Freeway on “You Got Me,” Cam’ron on “Boy,” and Westside Connection on “Irresistible.” Joe and Kelly Price joined me on the “Through the Rain” remix. The album was a real transition from what I’d left behind into a new chapter. Universal supported me and stuck by my side; it didn’t feel like the hostile battle zone that was Sony during Tommy’s reign. Commercially, Charmbracelet wasn’t massively successful, but Doug didn’t give up on me—and thank goodness, because liberation was just over the horizon.
It was around 2003, after Charmbracelet had been released.
I recall that time as a rare moment when I felt freeish and rather unattached. I was kind of seeing a guy, but just seeing, nothing else. I just wanted to have fun. That night it was Cam’ron, Jim Jones, Juelz Santana, and Tots—and me. We’d been hanging out all night—clubbing, cocktails, you know, that whole thing—and we ended up back at my place, up in the Moroccan room. Many things start in the Moroccan room. When I first traveled to Morocco, the country spoke to me. I was inspired by the flavor of everything, the colors, the fabrics, the textures, the smells, the lushness, the exoticness, the glamour it was giving. It was all so mysterious and sensual. The restaurants, the homes, the hotels, they were all fantastically designed, all ultra-comfortable yet dramatic. You must keep it dramatique—Dramatique!—for me to love it, dahling.
I wanted to re-create that rich, glamorous feeling in my home—to create a beautiful place where I could make an easy escape. Silk pillows everywhere, leather tufts, embellished little tables, hammocks, ornate lanterns. I brought in fabulous North African accouterments to make my own urban oasis, the exotic cherry on top of my beloved penthouse.
It was the height of the ghetto-fabulous fashion era, and we were living it—diamonds and denim galore on all the boys. (Cam’ron was probably wearing a powder-pink leather and flamboyantly furry ensemble. He was in his pink phase.) I’m certain I was in some scandalous micro designer frock. So we’re all dressed up and sprawled out amongst a cacophony of cushions. It was almost dawn, and in the IMAX-like view from the wall of windows, the night sky was changing like a mood ring to shades of purple and pink. The whole aura of the room was purple; after all, Dipset (known formally as the rap supergroup the Diplomats) loves everything purple.
All of a sudden, Cam burst out, “Let’s go uptown!”
We were still feeling festive, so it sounded like an inspired idea.
