“I…I think so, aye. ’Tis happened to me ever since I got away.”
Kate inhaled deeply, enjoying the freedom of being able to fill her lungs with air. He watched her with such remorse that her heart broke.
“If anything had happened to ye, if I had…with my own hands… Ye, the woman I love… I wouldna be able to live with myself…”
The woman he loved… All the tension in her body released, and she sighed. “I know, Ian. I know you didn’t mean it. I think it’s PTSD.”
“What?”
“A post-traumatic stress disorder. You can’t help it. It’s like a mental illness in a way, although treatable. It’s not your fault, Ian. Many soldiers get it after a war. It’s no surprise you have it.”
Her neck and throat already felt much better, although still sore. She crawled towards him and he backed up.
“Nae, Katie, better stay away.”
She chuckled. “You aren’t going to hurt me now that you’re awake.”
She sat on the blanket with her legs crossed and opened her arms to him. “Come here.”
He hesitated a moment. “Are ye certain, lass?”
“Yes, I’m certain. Come.”
He exhaled and came to her. He lay on the blanket and put his head on her lap. The weight of his head pleasant on her legs, she gently brushed his hair and the side of his face with her palm. He closed his eyes.
“Tell me about the dream,” she said.
“’Twas on the ship. I had to kill the captain so that he wouldna take me to Baghdad. I thought if I never landed there, I’d never become a slave. I’d have a chance with ye. The chance to spend a lifetime with ye.”
Kate’s chest throbbed. He wanted a lifetime with her. And she wanted a lifetime with him, too.
“I thought, if I killed just one person, him, I wouldna need to kill so many more innocent ones. I wouldna need to become a monster.”
Kate shook her head. “You’re not a monster.”
“I almost killed ye. I killed that unarmed lad while getting ye away from the damn Sassenachs, and don’t even recall attacking him. How can I nae be a monster?”
“You’re just wounded in your soul, and healing. You’re a good man. The best man I’ve ever known.”
He rubbed her thigh gently. “Ye’re too kind for saying that, lass. I dinna deserve ye.”
She shook her head. “No, that’s definitely not true. You deserve every good thing in your life and more. You’ve suffered enough.”
Unlike her.
At least, that was what she’d grown up believing.
Kate stroked his scruff. “Would you feel better if I told you about my nightmares?”
“I dinna want ye to relive something that frightens ye.”
“It’s nothing like yours.” She chuckled. “Compared to your struggles, mine were minor.”
He looked up at her. “I want to ken everything about ye.”
“Okay. Well. In my time, people have developed vaccines. It’s medicine that helps prevent certain dangerous diseases. Parents need to take their children to a doctor to have them vaccinated. Some choose not to—it’s a big debate… Anyway, my mom was not someone who opposed vaccination. She just…didn’t have time to take my sister and me.”
“Aye. Ye said her work was heavy.”
“Yes. And so, one day—I was already seven or eight—I got whooping cough. It’s a sickness that can be prevented with vaccination. And not just me, my two-year-old sister, too. I still remember lying at night, in a fever, coughing my guts out. Wanting my mom. Realizing, she didn’t want me. She didn’t care about me. She didn’t love me.”
Like Kate knew no one would. She was unlovable, unworthy of care. Even though Ian said he loved her now, he’d come to the same conclusion. So it was good that their relationship would soon end, no matter how wonderful it was now.
“She shouldna have been yer mother. Not caring for her bairns… There’s no one more loving or caring that I ken, Katie, than ye.”
She flushed a little. “I don’t think so. I often think there’s something about me that people find cumbersome. Eventually, she realized she had to take us to a hospital. We spent a couple days there, but she took us home because she couldn’t afford to pay more medical bills. The doctors said the illness was already advanced enough that there was nothing they could do to heal it that she couldn’t do at home—steam, soup, air humidifier. She lost one job because she stayed at the hospital and at home caring for us, then had to find two more to pay the bills that she got because of us. Anyway, I know now she was doing the best she could. I took care of my sister my whole life. I know what it means to have someone depend on you for everything. Especially as a single parent with no one else to help. But still… I sometimes dream about that hospital, lying there alone. Mom isn’t there, and doctors and nurses pass me by. I cough and cough and cough, and no one can hear me or wants to see me.”
He rose from her lap and took her in his arms. “Lass…”
His arms were heavy and warm around her, like a protective shield.
Kate leaned against his chest. “See, I also have nightmares. Everyone does.”
“Aye. But nae everyone tries to kill another human being.”
She looked up at him and cupped his jaw. “It’ll pass, Ian. If only you can forgive yourself. And let yourself live. At least for now. For tonight.”
“Aye.” He kissed her briefly. “For tonight. And every night with ye.”
His face grew somber and gathered that darkness with the edge of desperation she’d seen in his most violent moments.
“But if I try to hurt ye again, I want ye to use the knife and do what I showed ye. Aye?”
Kate’s skin chilled at the thought. She’d never be able to do that.
“Promise me,” he said. “That’ll give me peace of mind.”
Kate swallowed. He looked intensely at her, waiting. If it would give him some peace of mind, she’d promise him, but she’d never
