She really doesn’t have anything to apologize for. She may have been unwilling to see just how bad my relationship with our mother actually is, but that’s not the case anymore.
She got a front row seat to just how dysfunctional and messed up it is. Maybe now she’ll back off a little.
Do my mother’s comments still hurt? Yes.
I’d be lying if I said they didn’t. They sting like nothing else could. But then again, I’ve always felt this…disconnect with my mother dating all the way back to when we were kids. It’s something I’ve learned to live with. And something I don’t want to think about now especially after everything that’s just happened with Levi.
“I think it’s romantic,” Mya says tucking her feet under her on the couch.
“Really?” I ask
“Yeah,” Mya says nodding. “I mean it’s always been blatantly obvious, ever since we were kids, how much he cares about you. Maybe he just suppressed his feelings and now they’re finally coming out.”
“Or maybe this is just some temporary lust filled situation that could come back to bite us in the ass and ruin our friendship,” I blurt out.
The more I’ve thought about this in the time between Levi leaving and Imani and Mya getting here the more concerned I’ve gotten. That singular thought has been festering in my mind, growing, and spreading to life in my mind. Thinking back on it, I cannot believe how quickly I gave in to the idea of trying a relationship with him despite my fears. But that’s what he does to me. He obliterates any rational thoughts I may have with a single touch.
What if he’s only feeling lust? I mean I could see his attraction very clearly, but I don’t want to ruin our friendship if that’s all it will ever be.
I decided a long time ago, that repressing my feelings for Levi was the best way to go. I’d rather have him in my life as just a friend than in no way at all.
“That’s crazy Mia. I’ve seen the way he is with you. I don’t think he’d risk losing you just to get laid. He can probably get laid anytime he wants,” Imani says.
I shoot her a sour look my stomach turning.
“Gee thanks for putting those images in my head.”
Imani sighs, “Okay, that came out wrong, what I’m trying to say is that I don’t think he would risk your friendship simply because he wanted to get laid. He must feel something stronger for you. Who knows, maybe that kiss you shared woke him up.”
I break eye contact and focus on my hands as I mull over their words.
“But I love him guys. Like I’m in love with him and I have been for a long time. I’ve been able to keep those feelings in check for so long. If we do this, he’s bound to figure it out and that could send him running in the opposite direction and I can’t…I can’t handle not having him in my life at all. As pathetic as it sounds, I’d rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all.”
“It’s not pathetic Mia. It’s love. That feeling makes people do things they sometimes wouldn’t ordinarily do. Love involves putting others before yourself. You’ve been putting Levi before yourself for a long time now. It’s time to take a leap.”
“Yeah, Levi obviously cares deeply for you. Hell, that’s more than I can say for my boyfriend at this point,” Imani mumbles.
My head snaps up to look at her. She’s staring out the window with this faraway look on her face.
“Okay, what’s going on with you and Max?” I ask.
Her head shoots up and around towards Mya and I, her blue eyes are wide.
“Crap, did I say that out loud?”
“Yes, you did. You’ve been throwing around hints for a while now and I haven’t pushed because I figured you’d tell me when you were ready.”
Imani stares at me for a moment and then she does something I’ve only ever seen her do once in all my years of knowing her. She burst into tears.
I sit stunned for a second and then I jump into action. Getting out of my seat I rush over to her throwing my arms around her as she continues to cry.
Mya comes up on her other side with a box of tissue in her hands and concern on her face.
Imani lays her head on my shoulder and I just rub her back and let her get it out. My heart hurts for her. She’s usually so bubbly and energetic and positive. I hate that whatever’s going on has made her this sad. It makes me want to go find Max and throat punch him.
After a few minutes, Imani composes herself enough to grab a tissue and dab under her eyes.
“Sorry about that. I didn’t realize how much I was holding in and once I started, I just couldn’t seem to stop.”
“You never have to apologize for letting your feelings out sweetie. I’m your best friend, I’m supposed to be here for you.” I hand her another tissue.
Her eyes water with fresh tears and I feel mines start to water to in reply. I hate to see her hurting so much.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
She sighs, dabbing at her eyes some more. “Max and I have been having…problems lately. He seems so disconnected from me. Every time I try to initiate a conversation it turns into an argument. I know he’s under
