In other small shops, or at the market, there may not be an orderly queue. Under these circumstances, it is necessary to gauge how things are being managed. Even though there is what looks like an anarchic huddle in the charcuterie/ fromagerie/boucherie/marchand de vin, is there actually a first come first served policy? If so, you should engage in resolute eye contact with the sales assistant when it comes to your turn, and be ready with ‘En fait, c’est à moi’ in case someone tries to push in. If, on the other hand, it’s total anarchy, just stare the assistant in the eyes until he or she looks your way for a second, then blurt out ‘Bonjour’ and your order before anyone else can get a word in. Bizarrely, under these circumstances, respecting the law of the jungle reassures Parisians and keeps them calm.
There is, however, one way to annoy Parisians even while standing passively in line, with the right change, a patient smile on your face and only nine items in the ‘ten and under’ supermarket queue. That is if it is getting near the cashier’s break time and he or she tells you, ‘Après vous, c’est fermé’ (‘After you, I’m closing my till’). This means that you have been entrusted with the moral responsibility of telling anyone who stands behind you, ‘C’est fermé après moi.’ Personally, I usually remember to say this once or twice and then forget, and have to annoy the three people behind me by telling them the bad news. These days, if I hear the fatal phrase ‘Après vous, c’est fermé,’ I either bow out and go to the back of another line, or accept my fate and stay facing backwards until I’m served—this helps me remember to tell approaching customers that there’s no point joining my queue, and also makes me look so weird that few people want to risk it anyway.
In the street
It’s the most frequently repeated piece of advice, but it’s valid—even if you can’t speak French, don’t launch straight into English or any other language when addressing a Parisian. The most gifted, multilingual Parisian will pretend not to understand you unless you start the conversation with bonjour, or bonsoir after about 5 p.m. (see ‘Essential Phrases’ below).
Don’t dress as though you’re going to the beach (even if you are on your way to Paris Plages**. Bikini tops are not considered acceptable streetwear, except by ogling men.
Don’t hail an occupied taxi. This will only confirm the taxi driver’s view that most of his clients are idiots. It’s not entirely the arm-waver’s fault, though, because Parisian taxis’ light signals aren’t very clear. If a taxi is free, the white light on its roof is completely lit up. If it is taken, the tiny orange light below the white light is lit up and the white light is not. The problem being that, in daylight, both of these lights are practically invisible. Fortunately, France is introducing a new system, whereby the roof light will be green if the taxi is free and red if it’s not. Though this might take some time to have an effect, because drivers are being allowed to keep their old white light until they have to buy a new car.
It is also a given that if an unoccupied taxi driver doesn’t like the look of you, he won’t stop anyway. And that even if he does stop, he might wind down his window, ask you where you’re going, and drive away if he doesn’t want to go there.
Don’t step on to one of the pedestrian crossings that have no traffic lights and expect an oncoming driver to stop of his or her own accord. Stepping out in front of this car, even if it is some way off, will get you, at best, yelled at, and at worst run over and yelled at.
Warning: do not ask this Parisian ‘Où est le Sacré Coeur?’ When Parisians see tourists gazing blankly at a map of the city, they don’t think, ‘Huh, tourists,’ they think, ‘Thank God they’re not going to ask me for directions.’ If, in a dire emergency, you do need to ask, always remember to say ‘Bonjour’ first, thus avoiding a painful snub.
Similarly, if cycling anywhere except in a cycle lane, always assume that you are invisible to car drivers, or that they want to kill you. Even cycle lanes are not always safe, because many of them share space with bus lanes. Bus drivers resent this, because Bus is written on the road in large letters and they assume that this gives them a monopoly. Taxis and motorbikes can also use bus lanes, and they see cycles as rivals for their hard-won privilege. And anyway, if you look closely, the cyclist painted in cycle lanes looks as though he’s been squashed by a bus or taxi. In short, if cycling near any motor vehicles, prepare to die messily.
Don’t smile randomly at passers-by. You might think you’re being friendly and showing how pleased you are to be visiting their city, but they will think you’re either mad, laughing at them, or asking for sex. Of course, if you do want sex, all you have to do is smile at
