33 Salut is a wonderful word, because it can also be used to say goodbye. Though care should be taken when pronouncing it (‘saloo’) so as not to confuse it with salaud (‘salo’), meaning bastard.
34 If the two people about to kiss are wearing glasses, it is polite for the man to take his off, to avoid an embarrassing clash of frames.
35 That sounds unfortunate. By ‘rub cheeks with male members’, I mean kiss the male relatives of your French girlfriend, of course, and not their genitals. Even in France that would be excessive.
36 For more on interminable French meetings, see the Second Commandment.
A List of Useful French Insults
(To see how to get the best out of saying con, you might
like to read the short section on French pronunciation
in the Fifth Commandment.)
Con (‘ko’ – with closed ‘on’ sound). Bloody (male) idiot, moron, twat, dickhead, etc. General insult aimed at a man.
Don’t jump to hasty conclusions if you are called a con – it can be a term of affection. If you make a good joke or do something wacky, the French might say ‘t’es con’, meaning you’re daft, but in a good way. And in the south of France, conversations are peppered with con or putain con (literally, ‘whore bloody idiot’), which aren’t insulting at all – they’re just embellishments, like ‘d’you know what I mean’.
Conne (‘kon’). Bloody (female) idiot, cow, etc. General insult aimed at woman. Note: conne is never used affectionately.
You can escalate con and conne by adding gros (pronounced ‘grow’) for a man, or grosse (pronounced ‘gross’) for a woman – meaning fat. France is still a fattist country.
Salaud (‘sa-lo’). Bastard.
Salopard (‘sa-lo-PAAARR’). A more fun way of saying bastard.
Salope (‘sa-lop’). Bitch, female bastard.
To make these even more fun to say, the French sometimes string them out by saying ‘espèce de salopard’ or ‘espèce de salope’ (pronounced ‘es-pess da . . .’). Literally this means ‘sort of bastard/bitch’. It is up to the recipient of the insult to decide which sort they are and take offence accordingly.
Enfoiré (‘o-fwa-ray’). Stupid bastard, dickhead (literally, an old word meaning covered in merde).
Tête de noeud (‘tet danner’). Dickhead (an exact literal translation).
Tête de con (‘tet dako’). Dickhead (literally, head that looks like female genitalia).
Va te faire enculer (‘vat affair ong-koolay’). Fuck off, bugger off (literally, go and get yourself sodomized).
Va te faire voir (‘vat affair vwar’). Get lost, fuck off (literally, go and get a seeing to). The French sometimes, and usually when joking, add ‘chez les Grecs’ – by the Greeks – presumably a politically incorrect reference to that nation’s alleged sexual habits in ancient times.
A List of possible retorts to the
above insults
Ta gueule (‘tag-eul’ or, more effectively, ‘tag-EEEUUUL’ – rhymes with ‘girl’). Shut your gob.
Ta gueule, connard (‘tag-eul konAAARRR’). Shut your gob, you dickhead.
Elle t’emmerde, ma gueule (‘el tom-mayor-d, mag eul’).
Literally, My mouth shits on you. Retort to ‘ta gueule’.
Casse-toi (‘kass-twa’). Get out of here.
Dégage (‘day-gaj’). Get out of here.
Pour qui il se prend, celui-là? (‘porky eel s’pro s’lwee la’) or, if it’s a woman, Pour qui elle se prend, celle-là? (‘porky el s’pro sell-lah’). Who does he/she think he/she is? Retort to Casse-toi or Dégage.
Finally, if you’re fed up with the exchange of insults, it’s best to turn away, sighing philosophically, and say: Tu me fais chier (‘toom fay shee-ay’). You’re boring me to death here (literally, you are making me shit).
As boredom – ennui – is the worst possible state to be in according to the French existentialist philosophers, this implies that you are setting yourself above this lowly exchange of insults. Even if what has really happened is that you’ve used up all your obscene vocabulary.
Some not-too-polite words
for English speakers
Rosbif (‘roz-beef’). English person (literally, roast beef. This is often used affectionately.)
Angliche (‘ong-leesh’). English person (humorous French pronunciation of ‘English’. Can also be used affectionately.)
Ricain (‘ree-ka’). American (abbreviation of ‘Américain’).
Amerloque (‘ammer-lock’). American (a condescending version of ‘Américain’).
Since the Iraq War and the coining of the word ‘globalization’, slang words for Americans have been used much less affectionately in some sections of French society. But see page 257 for the real French attitude to Americans.
French men are incorrigible romantics: ‘My darling, missing you
terribly, wish you were here at the conference, your loving husband.’
THE
11TH
COMMANDMENT
Tu Diras ‘Je T’aime’
THOU SHALT SAY ‘I LOVE YOU’
THOU SHALT SAY ‘I LOVE YOU’
FALLING IN LOVE WITH A FRENCH PERSON IS FRAUGHT WITH danger. I didn’t realize this until it was too late and I was dumped for not saying ‘je t’aime’ often enough.
The French say it a lot. It pops out as often as a smoker’s cigarette packet. It’s as if they suddenly think, oh, I’ve got nothing to do, I know, I’ll say ‘je t’aime’. This is undeniably very pleasant when you’re on the receiving end. You bring someone a cup of coffee and they say ‘je t’aime’. You think, wow, what would have happened if I’d brought a biscuit as well?
But after a while it can be counterproductive. They’ve said it so often, and at such incongruous times, that you start to think, OK, I heard you the first time. Or worse, who are they trying to convince? Which is a terrible thing to think when someone is saying the magic Aword. But you can’t economize with your own outbursts of ‘je t’aime’. If you try to save them for special occasions, you’re done for. As I learnt when I was dumped.
‘You’re not romantic enough,’ she told me. ‘You never say you love me.’
‘I do,’ I protested. ‘I just say it less often than you. Like, less than once an hour.’
‘You never
