“Why?”
Another breath. Deep. Calming. Since putting down the book last night, he framed most of his decisions by following Scrooge’s example. It took courage to admit his own fault and apologize to the Cratchits. Clark needed to find some courage of his own. With gentle fingers, he tugged on the end of his red scarf. Kate took the hint and turned her head back towards him. It still waited on her knees, as if her misery weighed too much to keep her head upright, but it was a step in the right direction.
And if this was the last time she’d ever let herself get caught dead in his presence, at least he’d have one last chance to look at her beautiful, bewitching eyes.
“So I could stop feeling things for you. So I could put you in a little box and forget you. Because I’ve never been in love before and falling in love is terrifying for someone like me. I like being in control. I like knowing exactly where I’m going and when I’m with you… You’ve turned everything upside down for me. It scared me. It still scares me, but—”
Once he started talking about her, he found it impossible to filter himself, but one purposeful look from those striking eyes silenced his rambling.
“I’ve never been in love before either.”
“Really?”
He found it hard to believe on two levels. One: no one in the world carried as much love inside of her as Kate Buckner. How in the world had no one ever unlocked it and treasured it before? Two: she’d never fallen in love before and yet she chose him? Impossible.
“No better time than Christmas, huh?”
A dreamlike haze settled across her face, only to be torn away with a shake of her head.
“No. No.” She held up her hands, brushing away invisible cobwebs. “You’re not smooth talking your way out of this. I have to protect myself.”
Yesterday, Clark would have shouted. Been indignant. Rejected her and all she stood for. Today, he slid down to the step below where she was sitting so he could look up at her, all while softening his sympathies.
“I’m sorry. Is that what you want to hear? I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’m sorry I shut you out and threatened to take away everything you love out of spite. And if you never want to see me again, I will walk out of this town forever but I can’t do that until I know I’ve made it right. Until you’ve had your Christmas and until you know you’ve changed my life.”
“That sounds a little dramatic,” she said, even as she hugged his heavy wool coat closer. He didn’t blame her for thinking it a bit farfetched. When had a man ever changed in one night?
Oh yeah. In A Christmas Carol.
“It’s not dramatic. I mean it. I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true.”
You saw me yesterday, he implored silently. You saw me when I couldn’t even see myself. Please see me now. Unlike Clark, she only hardened, a caustic undertone taking over her entire being as she tightened her arms across her chest. Did she feel the need to hold herself together? Did she feel as close to shattering into a million tiny pieces as he did?
“You’re telling me you did all of this so you could get me back? Like…to win me?”
“No, I did all of this so you’d know you changed me. After what I did…” Clark loved the way she talked with her hands. When it came to his own twitches and ticks, he despised the way his hands flexed, an instant tell at how nervous he was. “I know I don’t stand a chance. I have too much to learn about being a good man to deserve someone like you. I just needed you to know and leaving a sad voicemail at 2:30 in the morning wasn’t splashy enough.” Kate fiddled with her velvet skirts, but Clark spied her blinking furiously. Did she have a tell of her own? “Now can I ask you a question?”
“One,” she conceded.
“Why are you so upset? I know I hurt you, but you stormed out of A Christmas Carol, and I honestly thought that was the one thing you’d never do.”
With a furrow of her brows and a sigh telling him she only answered because she promised she would, Kate laid herself bare. At this point, he couldn’t tell if he made any progress with her or if she only hated him all the more now for all of his confessions.
“Last night, I swore off of you. And Christmas. So, to wake up this morning and be here with all of this,” she motioned to the green dress gracing her body. When Clark saw it on the rack, he couldn’t help but think, is that really the dress she obsessed over? He understood the appeal as soon as she waltzed into his view. She made a plain green frock glow brighter than any emerald. “It sort of makes me feel like Charlie Brown. The second I start believing in you, you’ll pull away the football and I’ll be on my behind wishing I had never tried at all.”
“I’m not going to pull away the football.” In a moment of stupid bravery, he placed one of his hands atop hers. “I swear.”
“Can I tell you a secret?”
“Do you trust me with one?” he asked, afraid of the uncontrollable undertones of bitterness in the question.
Her hand moved beneath his, sending up red flags and storm warnings in every corner of his body. She’s taking her hand away. She hates me. She’s going to tell me to get lost and I’ll be stuck with this big, dumb, broken heart. Then, she turned her hand over and properly held his. The
