The reason she still had her ring on.
Except, now that the moment had arrived, she knew with horrible certainty that going back to Simon was not an option.
Sitting here facing him, a mere metre away, she realised she didn’t feel anything for him anymore. Probably hadn’t really for years. He was a nice guy and she liked him, he was a good friend, but where was the zing? There was no leap of her pulse or a delicious squirming feeling down low.
She thought back to the massage Marcus had given her and felt like a thousand worms had been released inside her, a really inappropriate surge of heat in her belly. If Marcus had been sitting a metre from her, her system would be in a complete dither.
‘Why?’ she asked finally.
‘I was stupid. I think we’d been together so long that I needed a break to make me realise just what I had. I love you...we love each other.’
No. They didn’t. Just hearing the words come out of his mouth brought an immediate rejection to her lips.
God, why had it taken her so long to see?
‘No, Simon, we don’t,’ she said gently. ‘We’ve been together for ever. We like each other. We’re best friends. We’ve been through some tough times together. But we’re a habit. That’s not love. Not love as it should be when you’re thinking of entering into a marriage.’
‘And yet you’re still wearing your ring,’ he said, reaching across the desk, taking her hand and rubbing the diamond with his thumb.
‘That’s because until this moment I really believed we would reconcile. I’ve been counting on it since you called it off. Waiting for it. But now it’s here I realise that I don’t want it. You did us a favour, Simon. And I think you know that, too, deep down. I think you walked two months ago because we weren’t fulfilling you either.’
She watched him digest her statement. She couldn’t believe the words coming from her mouth or that saying them didn’t leave her devastated in the least. His dear face and his nice smile were so familiar to her and she’d never imagined it would end like this or that she would feel so disconnected from him. She’d just always assumed that they’d be together for ever.
He’s an idiot.
She remembered Marcus’s words and found herself yet again comparing the two men. Similar looks but complete opposites! Skater boy engendered none of the things that she so admired in her fiancé. Ex-fiancé. In fact, her feelings for Simon seemed bland when she compared them to the storm of emotions that Marcus evoked.
Simon stirred her loyalty, Marcus stirred her hormones.
Sure, it was purely physical — his smell and his blue eyes and his dimples and his laugh and the way his leg muscles bunched and relaxed as he walked and the fascinating strip of chest hair that disappeared behind his waistband. The way he never seemed dressed. They were fascinating but not a basis for a relationship.
Yet, they couldn’t be ignored, either.
She didn’t think Simon had ever worn a shirt unbuttoned in his whole life.
Madeline focussed on him again, sitting before her, looking genuinely contrite, and knew even a week ago she would have taken him back in a flash.
But that had been then.
Now Marcus had awoken her sexuality and it felt like she was a whole new woman. No way could she ever just settle for going through the motions again.
‘Have you...have you met someone else?’
Madeline started guiltily at his question. ‘No,’ she denied a little too quickly, and swallowed as images of Marcus massaging her practically naked body sprang into her mind.
She hadn’t. And she refused to feel guilty when she’d done nothing wrong. Those erotic dreams came to mind. No, damn it. People were allowed their fantasies.
‘I wouldn’t blame you if you had,’ he said gloomily. ‘I can’t believe how badly I’ve stuffed this up. I do still love you, you know.’
‘Sure.’ Madeline nodded. ‘And I you. But we don’t love each other the way you’re talking about. I love you as a friend. As someone who helped me through some very bad times and knows me probably better than anyone. But that’s not enough, Simon. Not anymore. And if you were really honest with yourself, you’d know that, too.’
‘But maybe if we gave it another try...’
She sighed. ‘OK, Simon, answer me this. What did you feel when you first walked through the door? When you saw me again, for the first time?’
He thought for a moment. ‘I felt home.’
‘Exactly,’ she said gently. ‘After two months apart all you felt was a sense of coming home? You should have felt love and passion and anticipation. You should have heard a symphony in your head. You should have felt like tearing all my clothes off.’
Unbidden, her mind formed an image of Marcus. Now, there was a man whose mere presence made her want to rip fabric.
‘And you didn’t because we just don’t have that type of relationship, Simon.’
‘That’s just lust, Maddy. That’s not important. Not as important as a deep, enduring love.’
‘It is important if you don’t have it, Simon.’ She felt for him. He looked miserable. ‘Don’t you want it, too? Don’t you think you deserve it, Simon? Because you do. You deserve to be with someone who can’t keep their hands off you.’
He smiled a weak smile. ‘That would be nice.’ A few moments passed and then he asked, ‘What did you feel when you saw me?’
‘Surprise,’ she said. ‘And then none of the things that I expected to feel. Like, yes, thank God he’s back. Or, God, he looks so good he’s making my eyes ache and if I don’t kiss him right now I’m going to die. I didn’t feel anything like that.’
He nodded slowly as he got to his feet. Madeline did, too.
‘I’m sorry, Simon.’ She shook her head and shrugged. ‘Are you going to be OK?’
‘Of course,’ he said, smiling sadly. ‘I know you’re right. I
